My jokes
Are you George Floyd?
'Cause baby, you take my breath away... OOF!
My dad has the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
So I was digging in the garden and I found some treasure. I was gonna tell my wife when I remembered why I was digging in the garden.
How many dead babies does it take to put in a new light bulb? Not thirteen, cuz my basement is still dark. Let's try fourteen.
A policeman just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous! My dogs don’t even own bikes!
Can I put my balls in your jaws?
Today I found out that my cat got hit by a car accident. Well, I guess I'm gonna play ninja fruits on my hands again. It's not like anyone will notice.
Literally every movie:
"I love you." "I love you, too."
My life:
My 'friends': "Hey, Hailey likes you!" Him: "Wtf, I have a girlfriend, sorry not sorry." His friends: Spreads the word throughout the whole goddamn country. 😶
My friend was told by her doctor that she was morbidly obese.
As if she doesn't have enough on her plate.
Are you my pantry? Because you look like a snack ;)
What's the difference between a Lambo and 200 children in my basement? One screams; the children don't.
My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.
Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting "9"!
That’s the best I’ve done so far.
My friends hate when I make skeleton jokes. I guess I need to put more backbone into it.
Me and my grandpa went on a road trip, and he died. That was the last thing we did together, and I will never forget his last words: “WAKE UP YOU DUMBASS!”
I went to a stand up show with the person who made my life a joke.
My eggs are just like my dad... nonegg-istent.
Mom: You need to grow up. You're so immature.
Me: *glares* Get out of my castle....
Mom: It's a pillow fort.
Me: Why can't I have an imagination! ?
Mom: You're almost 19 years old.
Me: Not good enough... OUT!
There is this cute Russian girl in my class, yet she hasn't asked me out for vodka.
I would like to die like my Islamic father, in his sleep, but not like the rest of the people in the plane or those in those identical towers.
I was visiting an orphanage and started to pull in close to the building. My car hit 3 speed bumps, and it caught me off guard. I got out of my car, looked under my tire, and saw three orphans wedged in my tire. I started to get worried, but then I thought to myself... nobody will miss them.