My jokes

Hey guys, can we stop making these jokes? If my mom sees this, I will never see the sun again.

Oh . . .

:(

Continue.

Some dude: Water you thinking?

Me: You're drowning in my head.

We wrote letters to a kid with cancer.

My letter read, "It's a bumpy road, but soon you will have a straight path."

People didn't realize it was meant for his heart monitor. Lol.

So the coach got mad at me because I'm the only one on my team who is only a bit on the spectrum, and I was just keeping the ball to myself. The coach pulled me aside and said, "Pass to others." I said, "Why?" And he said, "There's no 'I' in 'team.'" I said, "Yeah, but there's an 'm' and an 'e.'"

When I was recently standing in front of a huge puddle with my buddy, I remembered how he tricked me a week ago. So I tricked him...

The greatest doctor, smartest man, young geek, and inspiring preacher are on a plane. The pilot dies of a heart attack and is confirmed by the doctor. But, there are only 3 parachutes on the plane. The doctor takes one and says,

"People need me for my excellent medicine!" and jumps out. The smart man grabs one and shouts,

"People are in need of my great knowledge!" and jumps out. There is only one more parachute on the plane. The preacher says to the geek,

"You are too young. Take the final parachute and go." The geek instead says,

"No, there are two parachutes left, the 'smart' one took my backpack."

I went to see my grandfather in the hospital because I wanted to get to know him better before he passed, maybe take a selfie with him. But when I got there my phone died, so I unplugged a vacuum to plug in my phone. And it turns out he only knows Spanish, so when he kept saying, "Me desconectaste el soporte de mi vida," I thought he wanted water. But when I got back with the water he was asleep, and now my phone was charged, so I translated what he said. And it was, "You unplugged my life support." That's when I called the doctor...

Good news is, I got one sick selfie!

"I told my kids not to spend all day at a computer, but then I realized I do that myself."

Someone said to stop hurting myself, but I'm still trying to cut my arms off.

My sister is really disrespectful, and her famous words are, "You're not my parent!" The next time she says this, I'm going to respond back with, "You're right, because I would have worn a condom to protect from you being born unlike my dad did!"

Suc my dic

My life is the joke.

My son said that bully needs a pounding, then I say, "Yeah, right, that is what I said and did to your mother." My son opens his mouth and freezes. I guess he knew what I was talking about.

My mum.

My friend told me an EMO joke once, and I said, "EMO jokes aren't funny, cut it out!"

Hi, my name's Dixy.

Dixy Normis.

My sister is pregnant, I'm gonna be a dad.

Yeah, you can call me daddy, son.

Watching porn.

Watching porn blow my dick like a basset horn.

Hi, my name is Jeff.

My initials are K.M.C.

Which could also stand for "Kill Main Character".

Which I am planning to do in this book I’m writing.

I’m writing an autobiography.