My jokes

My dad smashed my PS5, so I smashed his wife.

I was hunting at night for deer, and then I found one and shot it. I realized the deer I shot was actually my ex...

What did the lady say to Michael Jackson on the beach?

"Excuse me sir, but you're in my sun."

What do my dad and Nemo have in common? They both can’t be found.

My dad died in 9/11.

But he was the pilot.

I got a phone call from a guy labeled "assassin" saying my life will end soon. I seriously doubt that he w- *gunshot*

I was crying at school and telling my friends that my grandpa died. Then I told them I still remember his last words. They wanted to hear them. They are: "you still holding the ladder?"

If anyone's gonna be fuckin' my sister, it's gonna be ME!

Guess how I got away from my mom saying I can't play Fortnite? I took my stuff and I ran to Iran.

I like my coffee the way I like jokes about my coffee, I don't.

A plane is going to crash. There are four passengers and only three parachutes. All the staff are safe and are gone, leaving the passengers. Ryan Reynolds is the first. He says, "My fans need me," and jumps. Donald Trump takes another and says, "I am the smartest president," and jumps, leaving one. There is a pope and a boy left. The pope says, "Child, my life is over and yours has just begun, take the last parachute." The boy replies, "Don't worry - Donald took my backpack."

So I painted my laptop black, hoping it would run faster... Now it doesn't work.

I found a chest of gold in my garden the other day. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it.

Then I remembered why I was digging in my garden.

What's the difference between my arm and legs? Nothing. I slit both of them.

The only difference between my grandma and the Twin Towers is that they collapsed faster than my grandma.

When you know that everyone thinks you're a hoe.

WHEN Y'ALL ARE MY HOES!

I lost my dog. I probably shouldn't have named him "rape."

Today I found out that my cat got hit by a car accident. Well, I guess I'm gonna play ninja fruits on my hands again. It's not like anyone will notice.

Literally every movie:

"I love you." "I love you, too."

My life:

My 'friends': "Hey, Hailey likes you!" Him: "Wtf, I have a girlfriend, sorry not sorry." His friends: Spreads the word throughout the whole goddamn country. 😶

Can I put my balls in your jaws?