My jokes

If anyone's gonna be fuckin' my sister, it's gonna be ME!

My dad smashed my PS5, so I smashed his wife.

I was hunting at night for deer, and then I found one and shot it. I realized the deer I shot was actually my ex...

I asked my friend if they will show me something retarded. He said, "Go look in a mirror." I said, "Thank you."

What did the lady say to Michael Jackson on the beach?

"Excuse me sir, but you're in my sun."

What do my dad and Nemo have in common? They both can’t be found.

I got a phone call from a guy labeled "assassin" saying my life will end soon. I seriously doubt that he w- *gunshot*

I was crying at school and telling my friends that my grandpa died. Then I told them I still remember his last words. They wanted to hear them. They are: "you still holding the ladder?"

My dad died in 9/11.

But he was the pilot.

A plane is going to crash. There are four passengers and only three parachutes. All the staff are safe and are gone, leaving the passengers. Ryan Reynolds is the first. He says, "My fans need me," and jumps. Donald Trump takes another and says, "I am the smartest president," and jumps, leaving one. There is a pope and a boy left. The pope says, "Child, my life is over and yours has just begun, take the last parachute." The boy replies, "Don't worry - Donald took my backpack."

When you know that everyone thinks you're a hoe.

WHEN Y'ALL ARE MY HOES!

There is this cute Russian girl in my class, yet she hasn't asked me out for vodka.

My eggs are just like my dad... nonegg-istent.

I went to a stand up show with the person who made my life a joke.

Mom: You need to grow up. You're so immature.

Me: *glares* Get out of my castle....

Mom: It's a pillow fort.

Me: Why can't I have an imagination! ?

Mom: You're almost 19 years old.

Me: Not good enough... OUT!

Me and my grandpa went on a road trip, and he died. That was the last thing we did together, and I will never forget his last words: “WAKE UP YOU DUMBASS!”

How many dead babies does it take to put in a new light bulb? Not thirteen, cuz my basement is still dark. Let's try fourteen.

A policeman just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous! My dogs don’t even own bikes!

I lost my dog. I probably shouldn't have named him "rape."

What's the difference between my arm and legs? Nothing. I slit both of them.