My jokes

My dad has the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

I lost my dog. I probably shouldn't have named him "rape."

Are you George Floyd?

'Cause baby, you take my breath away... OOF!

So I was digging in the garden and I found some treasure. I was gonna tell my wife when I remembered why I was digging in the garden.

Today I found out that my cat got hit by a car accident. Well, I guess I'm gonna play ninja fruits on my hands again. It's not like anyone will notice.

Literally every movie:

"I love you." "I love you, too."

My life:

My 'friends': "Hey, Hailey likes you!" Him: "Wtf, I have a girlfriend, sorry not sorry." His friends: Spreads the word throughout the whole goddamn country. 😶

My friend was told by her doctor that she was morbidly obese.

As if she doesn't have enough on her plate.

Can I put my balls in your jaws?

Are you my pantry? Because you look like a snack ;)

What's the difference between a Lambo and 200 children in my basement? One screams; the children don't.

Me and my grandpa went on a road trip, and he died. That was the last thing we did together, and I will never forget his last words: “WAKE UP YOU DUMBASS!”

Mom: You need to grow up. You're so immature.

Me: *glares* Get out of my castle....

Mom: It's a pillow fort.

Me: Why can't I have an imagination! ?

Mom: You're almost 19 years old.

Me: Not good enough... OUT!

There is this cute Russian girl in my class, yet she hasn't asked me out for vodka.

I went to a stand up show with the person who made my life a joke.

My eggs are just like my dad... nonegg-istent.

So I painted my laptop black, hoping it would run faster... Now it doesn't work.

One day at school, I made fun of a girl who lost her hair from cancer, and my parents made me shave my head.

The next day at school, I made fun of an orphan.

The only difference between my grandma and the Twin Towers is that they collapsed faster than my grandma.

What's the difference between my arm and legs? Nothing. I slit both of them.

I would like to die like my Islamic father, in his sleep, but not like the rest of the people in the plane or those in those identical towers.