My jokes

My dad went to get milk from Tesco’s.

He never came back.

Wow, my own joke. Category: I problem won’t remember this.

"Sticks and stones break my bones."

A crowbar does it so much quicker.

Little Johnny sits on a chair. He notices he is sitting on something. Then he sees a plastic di**. He asks his mom, "What's that?" and Mom didn't know, so when his dad comes home from work, he sees him with the plastic di** and says, "Son, why you messing with my personal toy?"

My first name is Al and my last name is Coholic :) #yuengling.f/wat

I went to self-checkout at a store and I scanned my products, but the scanner wouldn't scan the barcode on my arm.

My wife and I just decided we don't want to have children.

So if anyone wants them, our contact information is below.

My ceiling fan isn't the only thing that's going to be hanging tonight.

I wish my nails were emo so that they would cut themselves.

A man robs a bank and asks a woman, "Did you see that?"

She says, "Yes." So the man shoots her.

He leaves the bank and sees a couple. He asks, "Did you see that?" The husband said, "No, but my wife did!"

My BFF asked me: "You know why it took Carlos 3 days to move on?"

I said: "Why?"

My BFF says: "Well, it's because he was already cheating!"

I said: "KNEW IT!"

I can go to Walmart and scan my wrists. It'll say "antidepressants." ✨

God, my dad got so pissed during 9/11.

All that work wasted.

I asked my mom why dad was so pale and sick. She said, "Shut the fuck up and keep digging!"

My grandma was telling me to be positive, as I was going in for an AIDS test.

What did the emo kid say to the cashier? ... "Scan my wrists."

An orphan asked if they could move into my house yesterday. I said, "Don't you have a family?"

My friend showed me his broken finger, and I said, "JESUS!" He said his name is Jake.

What's big, bounces, and makes little kids cry?

My donation to the orphanage :)

What do you call a kid named Caitlyn?

My best friend.