My jokes

My wife told me I could never, ever build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!

I am whooping my doge's a$$. If you like, you can free him.

I'm sorry, orphans, that you're getting bullied. Oh, I have to go, my MOM's calling me. We're going on a road trip to go to a FAMILY reunion!

Hey dude, can you spell IHOP?

Sure, man. I. H. O. P.

Wait, you ate my pee!!!

What is the difference between a dead body and a Lamborghini?

I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

If her age is on the clock, she can sit on my cock.

Two boys were at a lake, and they went to a bush and saw a naked lady.

One ran away, the other one followed the one who ran and asked why he ran. The boy answered, "My mum told me if I saw a naked lady I would turn to stone. I ran away because I felt something get hard."

I asked my friend how long I can be in the sky. He said if you are emo, then forever.

I broke up with my girlfriend because she wouldn't stand for the pledge. She was in a wheelchair.

My mom: If your friend jumped off a bridge, would you?

Me: No.

Attack on Titan music starts playing in my head.

My friend wants to do martial arts, but he's disabled, so I guess it’s partial arts.

My great-great-great grandpa killed Hitler.

I got a new Lego airplane set from my friend... oddly, there were also two towers included in the box as well.

My wife told me to treat her like a princess, so I got drunk and drove through the tunnel.

Cremation is my only hope for a hot, smoking body.

I asked my orphan friend what his movie is, he said "Spiderman: No Way Home." I said, "Probably because it's so relatable, right?" He started crying. I don't know why.

My late grandpa was always popular with women. One day, before he died, I asked him what his secret was. He said, "I inherited a watering hole."

Bewildered, I replied, "What does that have to do with anything?"

"I could easily get anyone wet because I was well endowed."

A girl came to my house. She said, "Where are your parents?" I started crying.

The Twin Towers are like my dad, they are never coming back.

Your hairline goes so far back that even God said, "I learned about it in my days."