My Jokes

My 19-year-old girl killed a butterfly. I said no butter for you.

She then she killed a cockroach. I told her nice try.

An ICE agent tells a Mexican that he can get his green card if he can use green, pink, and yellow correctly in a sentence. The Mexican thinks for a minute and says, "My phone goes green, green, and I pink it up and say yellow."

I’m going to open my own Mexican restaurant and call it boarder patrol.

I was thrown out of the charity food kitchen on my first night of volunteering.

All I said was, "Hurry up, some of us got homes to go to..."

The other day I went to a museum. My friend and I went to the Holocaust section, and he got choked up when he saw the Anne Frank picture. I asked him, "Why are you sad? It's just an ashtray."

The image shows a phone screen displaying a text conversation. The first message reads "FBI Agent: Do it bro". Followed by the user: "My dog just ran away", "Yah" and "I still have a boyfriend". In between, the FBI agent texts "I'm so sorry to hear that" and "I'm here if you need anything". The last message by the user reads "And I still have my dog."

I taped a picture of Bill Cosby to my gun. Now it’s an assault rifle.

You're so bald that your hairline is receding faster than my bank account after a trip to Las Vegas.

Yesterday, there was a blackout on my street.

So I sold them.

My great grandfather died in 9/11.

He was such a good pilot.

What’s the difference between my ex and a unicycle?

A unicycle can only take one person at a time.

Today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.