My jokes
I was playing laser tag with my ex, but I (wink) didn't realize I had a real gun.
My girlfriend called me a cocksucker, but hey, 20 dollars is 20 dollars.
What does a Chinese guy say to his lover? “You’re the ying to my yang!”
What’s strong enough for a man, but made for a woman?
The back of my hand.
I had a JFK joke, but it went right through my head.
Memes
I was walking down the hallway at my job when I saw a kid crying.
I asked him where his parents were, and he kept crying.
Man, I love working at the orphanage.
Call me a worn-out sweater because I’m hanging on by a thread.
That’s about to become a rope around my neck.
My wife told me to contact more of my feminine side.
I crashed the car and fucked my trainer.
I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”
"Pull down your pants, pull out my willy, stir your guts round like a hot bowl of chili."
I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.
I got LEGOs for Christmas, and my friend got her father's headstone.
My sister said to roast her, but my mom said I'm not allowed to burn trash.
What's the hardest thing when working with the severely mentally handicapped?
My dick.
My mother-in-law would have been on one of the planes that crashed on 9/11.
Had I known in advance, I would have bought her the ticket.
My 19-year-old girl killed a butterfly. I said no butter for you.
She then she killed a cockroach. I told her nice try.
An ICE agent tells a Mexican that he can get his green card if he can use green, pink, and yellow correctly in a sentence. The Mexican thinks for a minute and says, "My phone goes green, green, and I pink it up and say yellow."
I’m going to open my own Mexican restaurant and call it boarder patrol.
I was thrown out of the charity food kitchen on my first night of volunteering.
All I said was, "Hurry up, some of us got homes to go to..."
The other day I went to a museum. My friend and I went to the Holocaust section, and he got choked up when he saw the Anne Frank picture. I asked him, "Why are you sad? It's just an ashtray."