My jokes

The other day I went to a museum. My friend and I went to the Holocaust section, and he got choked up when he saw the Anne Frank picture. I asked him, "Why are you sad? It's just an ashtray."

What’s the similarities between a pillow and your mom?

They’re both in my bed.

I was out to dinner with my 19 year old girlfriend. I, being 47, had many people shouting at me and calling me a creep.

It really ruined our 10th anniversary.

I took my 5 year old son to ride some roller coasters. I think he didn’t like it because I challenged him to a no hands contest.

He said, "But I don’t have any." He wanted to know what dark humor is. Now he knows what it is and what it feels like.

You know how bad of a person you are when you figure out how long you wait to smash. For me and my girlfriend, it was between the first plane crash and the last tower falling.

My great grandfather died in 9/11.

He was such a good pilot.

I like my women how I like my scotch: 11 years old and mixed with Coke.

I saw my wife at the dam yesterday, which sucks because I wanted her to flow further down.

One time my dad was an orphan, so I questioned where he learned to parent.

After an intense workout, I finally have the body I've always dreamed of.

It's in my basement.

Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when I push my autistic brother down the stairs.

What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

I've never had a lentil on my face.

My sis told me that onions are the only food that can make you cry...

So I threw a coconut at her.

My friend asked me if I wanted to hang out by the tree later. I said, "Yeah, I was gonna hang there."

I will remember my biker buddy's last words: "Why did you cut in front of me?"

I asked my lab partner for sodium hypobromate, but he said, "Na Br O."

A scarecrow said this job isn't for everyone.

But hay! It's in my jeans!

Do you want to buy my Hoover?

I mean... it's just collecting dust.

What’s something you can say about vacation, but not about your girlfriend?

Next time I’m bringing all my friends.

A deaf couple wants to know when to have sex.

The wife says, "If you want to have sex, squeeze my tits once. If you don't want to have sex, squeeze my tits twice."

The husband says, "OK, if you want to have sex, pull my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull my dick 437 times."