My jokes

A deaf couple wants to know when to have sex.

The wife says, "If you want to have sex, squeeze my tits once. If you don't want to have sex, squeeze my tits twice."

The husband says, "OK, if you want to have sex, pull my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull my dick 437 times."

What do you call an autistic person? Names.

I'm autistic myself, so don't go crying in my comment section.

I regret my abortion.

I didn’t know child labor was an option.

I love the way the Earth rotates.

It really makes my day!

They toss and turn to the sound of thunder, but I got watermelon to soothe my slumber!

Hey girl, are you a drill sergeant, because you have my privates' attention.

My roommate's diary says I have boundary issues.

My father is like Houdini. When he heard his girlfriend was pregnant, he disappeared.

Hi, I am just wondering who went into my account, 'cause I've changed my password, by the way.

My grandpa is a great hero. He's the one who shot Hitler.

I had a cake for my gender reveal party. I cut it, and the inside was yellow...

I was crying because my dad was cutting onions...

Onions was a good dog.

My dad died in 9/11. He was a great pilot.

When I was in middle school, I was on my bus and people were doin' hairline jokes, and I heard this guy say, "Your hairline goes back to... uhhhhhh... 2042?"

My mum said take out the trash, so I took my sister.

My battery lasted longer than your sad, depressing life.

My relatives always teased me during weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"

But they stopped when I did the same to them during funerals.

If I had a garden, I would put your tulips against my tulips... 🌷

Secretly, I’m a woman catfishing gay men on Grindr. When a notification from the app went off, my son told me, “I’ve heard that sound. Daddy has that game, too!”

I hate when my brother dates other people.

Just kidding! 😵😵😵😵