My jokes
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two; one to screw in the lightbulb and one to SUCK MY COCK!
This is my fidget spinner, I got it in my Easter basket.
Took my receipt to the sperm bank so I can get this comeback.
My water was leaking, so I used Flex Tape. Now I don't know where to shower. Thanks, Phil!
I'm 34 and I went on a date with my 19 year old girlfriend. I got heckled with "you're a paedophile!" and "you sick F...!" Completely ruined our 10th anniversary!
My grandfather told me I’m too reliant on technology, so I unplugged his life support and called him a hypocrite. I doubt he ever said that to anyone ever again.
My dad is Al-Qaeda, and he even took a plane trip to New York in 2001.
My love life.
Today in 3rd grade English, the teacher asked the kids a question, "What turns on when you take your clothes off?"
Little Elsa blushed and screamed, "You can't ask that!"
The English teacher repeats the question and Elsa screams, "I'll tell my parents on you and get you fired!"
Finally, Little Tim raises his hand, "The shower, ma'am."
The English teacher clapped her hands, "Good job, Tim, and as for you Elsa, you do not have the body for that."
I wanted to fall off a cliff, sadly, there aren't any cliffs near my house.
My dad may be working, but the coping mechanisms sure aren't!
(To a thief) If you like taking things, how about you take my life?
A man asks God, "Hello God, why did you make my wife so dumb?"
God replies, "So she would love you..."
How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
Must be more than 9, my basement is still dark!
Son: Mom, I did the test and I have cancer!
Mom: YOU HAVE CANCER?!
Son: Mom, as my zodiac symbol...
Mom:....
My science teacher was talking about natural selection.
At one point, she asked me to name the first person to theorize about it. I said, "Eric Harris." It was on his shirt.
If you don't get the joke, look up "Eric Harris natural selection."
My wife's dyslexic, but hey, nobody's perfect.
My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women. I think she is overreacting.
She asked why I broke up with the last girl, and I said,
"It didn't work out."
She told me to be more specific, so I said,
"I just told you, she didn't exercise."
What’s the difference between a dumpster full of dead babies and a Lamborghini?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
My girlfriend broke up with me this morning, and we just started dating yesterday.
Now she's having a breakfast.