My jokes

My dad and I were fishing one day.

That’s where he met my stepmom.

My wife went to Niagara Falls and fell. She broke every bone in her body.

One year later, she recovered. She slipped on an orange peel and died.

Someone stole my grass today. I went to the police, and they said: "What's wrong?" I said, "How could you tell something was wrong?" They replied, "You were looking forlorn."

(demons in my head) I laugh to meet them...

Do you want to buy my Hoover?

I mean... it's just collecting dust.

I will remember my biker buddy's last words: "Why did you cut in front of me?"

I used to think that I had a Japanese friend, but it was just my imagi-asian.

I don't like consistency. Last night, I spent three hours looking at a room and thinking, "I need a flower pot here, and the couch should be on the right." Eventually, the police arrived and led me away from my neighbor's window.

I learned my dad got into a car crash this morning.

And my driver's license got revoked too.

I told my therapist I feel suicidal. He charged me in advance.

Call me a worn-out sweater because I’m hanging on by a thread.

That’s about to become a rope around my neck.

What’s something you can say about vacation, but not about your girlfriend?

Next time I’m bringing all my friends.

A deaf couple wants to know when to have sex.

The wife says, "If you want to have sex, squeeze my tits once. If you don't want to have sex, squeeze my tits twice."

The husband says, "OK, if you want to have sex, pull my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull my dick 437 times."

I regret my abortion.

I didn’t know child labor was an option.

I think one of my dads might be gay.

Hi, I am just wondering who went into my account, 'cause I've changed my password, by the way.

What do you call an autistic person? Names.

I'm autistic myself, so don't go crying in my comment section.

When I was in middle school, I was on my bus and people were doin' hairline jokes, and I heard this guy say, "Your hairline goes back to... uhhhhhh... 2042?"

White girl: So this crystal cures my depression and helps me lose weight?

Me holding a rock of meth: YES!!!

My dad died in 9/11. He was a great pilot.