My jokes

My mom tells me and my sister to stop fighting. "Mom! You and Dad need to stop!"

Why can't orphans go to the hospital? Because it is a family hospital. Sorry for the long break in between my jokes. I just had some family stuff, but I am back.

Don't let mistakes drag you down. My dad made one mistake, but it ended up fulfilling the 5-year plan of heat energy generation in less than a millisecond.

My mom asked me if I was okay, so I replied, "I will be," and jumped out the window!

My cousin said being gay was such a pain in the ass and I asked him why and I said, "Cuz you get buttfucked?" and he said, "No, I get made fun of." and I said, "Why? Cuz you get buttfucked?" and he said, "No, turd." Then I said, "Wow, at least I'm not the one with real pains in my ass, bro."

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

"Where's my tractor?!"

TEST QUESTION: what looks like half an apple?

My cousin: the other half.

I have an exam next week, so I called my ex and asked if she had any cheating tips.

I can go to Walmart and scan my wrists. It'll say "antidepressants." ✨

What's the difference between me and my pencil sharpeners? Nothing, we're both broken.

I know the voices in my head aren't real, but man, do they have some good ideas.

One day my mom told me to take out the trash, and I did. The next day, mom asked me, "Where is your sister?" and I said, "A garbage truck took her." Mom started running to try and get the truck before it left.

My son, who is into astronomy, asked me how stars die. I said, "Usually from an overdose."

My wife went to Niagara Falls and fell. She broke every bone in her body.

One year later, she recovered. She slipped on an orange peel and died.

My dad and I were fishing one day.

That’s where he met my stepmom.

(demons in my head) I laugh to meet them...

Someone stole my grass today. I went to the police, and they said: "What's wrong?" I said, "How could you tell something was wrong?" They replied, "You were looking forlorn."

A scarecrow said this job isn't for everyone.

But hay! It's in my jeans!

My boy, I think it is about time that I leave this world. Now draw your weapon and kill me now!

*draws a picture of his "epic" sword*

"What... WHAT... WTH ARE YOU DOING SIMPLETON? I DIDN'T MEAN THAT KIND OF DRAW!"

Do you want to buy my Hoover?

I mean... it's just collecting dust.