My jokes
My mom asked me if I was okay, so I replied, "I will be," and jumped out the window!
TEST QUESTION: what looks like half an apple?
My cousin: the other half.
I have an exam next week, so I called my ex and asked if she had any cheating tips.
when you see a depressed kid, you walk up and say "wassup my lil barcode"
What's the difference between me and my pencil sharpeners? Nothing, we're both broken.
Why can't orphans go to the hospital? Because it is a family hospital. Sorry for the long break in between my jokes. I just had some family stuff, but I am back.
Don't let mistakes drag you down. My dad made one mistake, but it ended up fulfilling the 5-year plan of heat energy generation in less than a millisecond.
I know the voices in my head aren't real, but man, do they have some good ideas.
I can go to Walmart and scan my wrists. It'll say "antidepressants." ✨
My cousin said being gay was such a pain in the ass and I asked him why and I said, "Cuz you get buttfucked?" and he said, "No, I get made fun of." and I said, "Why? Cuz you get buttfucked?" and he said, "No, turd." Then I said, "Wow, at least I'm not the one with real pains in my ass, bro."
My name is Ethan, and I don't find this funny.
Person 1: “Hey, today was great!”
Person 2: “What happened?”
Person 1: “I ran into my ex today.”
Person 2: “What’s so great about that?”
Person 1: “I was in my car.”
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
"Where's my tractor?!"
My wife went to Niagara Falls and fell. She broke every bone in her body.
One year later, she recovered. She slipped on an orange peel and died.
My son, who is into astronomy, asked me how stars die. I said, "Usually from an overdose."
My dad and I were fishing one day.
That’s where he met my stepmom.
Someone stole my grass today. I went to the police, and they said: "What's wrong?" I said, "How could you tell something was wrong?" They replied, "You were looking forlorn."
(demons in my head) I laugh to meet them...
Do you want to buy my Hoover?
I mean... it's just collecting dust.
I don't like consistency. Last night, I spent three hours looking at a room and thinking, "I need a flower pot here, and the couch should be on the right." Eventually, the police arrived and led me away from my neighbor's window.