"I hope my death would make more sense than my life."- Joker
My Jokes
I started crying when my dad was chopping onions.
Onions was such a good dog!
If I send a clown to deliver flowers to my wife...
...is that a romantic jester?
There is a feminist group in my town.
It is called Gal-Qaeda.
(I actually got this from The Simpsons, so credit to the show.)
My roommate's diary says I have boundary issues.
Hi, I am just wondering who went into my account, 'cause I've changed my password, by the way.
I love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day!
Hey girl, are you a drill sergeant, because you have my privates' attention.
My father is like Houdini. When he heard his girlfriend was pregnant, he disappeared.
They toss and turn to the sound of thunder, but I got watermelon to soothe my slumber!
Yo, everyone! My sis is pregnant, and I’m gonna be a dad!
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and my uncle? Nothing, they both steal children.
What do you call an autistic person? Names.
I'm autistic myself, so don't go crying in my comment section.
Once my dad left to get milk, then I realized we own a cow.
So who did it? the I.S.S. teacher said.
1 hour before:
So let me get...
Random person: Wait, what? You BROKE UP WITH HER!
Me: I SWEAR, JHONNY, THIS IS THE 3RD TIME YOU BUTT INTO MY CONVERSATION! SO... HERE... YOU... GO! *punches*
Jonny went to school one day, and later that day his dad got a call saying he needed to pick up his son because he had had sex with a teacher. When Jonny got home, his dad was so happy he went out to the store and bought him a bike. When they bought the bike, Jonny was offered to ride the bike, but he declined it and replied, "My butt still hurts."
A man walks up to Lil Johnny one day and asks, "If you had one wish, but that wish will be granted to everyone on Earth... what would it be?"
So Lil Johnny thinks real hard and long, then said, "Well, I would wish for me to shit myself."
The man is shocked and asks why, and Lil Johnny replies, "Well, I would be on the toilet. I think everyone else would just be confused!"
Two boys are wandering in the woods, playing games.
Suddenly, they come across a naked lady, and one of the boys starts running. The other chases after him and asks: "Why did you start running?"
The boy replies with: "My mom said if I ever see a naked lady, then I would turn to stone. And I can already feel a part of me turning hard."
People say I should be proud of my autism, but truth be told, I'm only in it for the help in class.
I went to see my grandfather in the hospital because I wanted to get to know him better before he passed, maybe take a selfie with him. But when I got there my phone died, so I unplugged a vacuum to plug in my phone. And it turns out he only knows Spanish, so when he kept saying, "Me desconectaste el soporte de mi vida," I thought he wanted water. But when I got back with the water he was asleep, and now my phone was charged, so I translated what he said. And it was, "You unplugged my life support." That's when I called the doctor...
Good news is, I got one sick selfie!
