My jokes
I know the voices in my head aren't real, but man, do they have some good ideas.
TEST QUESTION: what looks like half an apple?
My cousin: the other half.
I have an exam next week, so I called my ex and asked if she had any cheating tips.
My name is Ethan, and I don't find this funny.
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
"Where's my tractor?!"
My cousin said being gay was such a pain in the ass and I asked him why and I said, "Cuz you get buttfucked?" and he said, "No, I get made fun of." and I said, "Why? Cuz you get buttfucked?" and he said, "No, turd." Then I said, "Wow, at least I'm not the one with real pains in my ass, bro."
I asked my lab partner for sodium hypobromate, but he said, "Na Br O."
A scarecrow said this job isn't for everyone.
But hay! It's in my jeans!
My grief counselor died just the other day.
He was so good though, I didn't care.
My boy, I think it is about time that I leave this world. Now draw your weapon and kill me now!
*draws a picture of his "epic" sword*
"What... WHAT... WTH ARE YOU DOING SIMPLETON? I DIDN'T MEAN THAT KIND OF DRAW!"
My son, who is into astronomy, asked me how stars die. I said, "Usually from an overdose."
Don't you just hate it when your grandmas always complaining about things getting stuck between her false teeth, like my foreskin?
A teacher says, "If you have one dollar and your parents give you 5 dollars, how much do you have?"
Everyone raised their hands except for a little girl in the front, but the teacher called on her anyway.
The girl said, "My parents left me, so I would have one dollar."
Ever seen the show Naked and Afraid? That’s what I call hide-and-seek with my uncle.
My mom tells me and my sister to stop fighting. "Mom! You and Dad need to stop!"
My friend had an allergic reaction after he ate a peanut.
We got his EpiPen to help him when Penaldo appeared because he heard the word "PEN". He tried stealing the pen, but I said, "No pens for you," and "Brentford". He cried and ran away. Shame on you, Penaldo the fraud!
A: Why are you so sad?
B: I was watching porn, and all of a sudden my wife opened the door.
A: Ok, I see, but is that really such a big deal?
B: I mean, she opened the door in the movie!
I was in a motivational seminar about depression the other day, and she said I could be anything I wanted to be if I put my mind to it. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and do it, even if it's messy.
Person 1: “Hey, today was great!”
Person 2: “What happened?”
Person 1: “I ran into my ex today.”
Person 2: “What’s so great about that?”
Person 1: “I was in my car.”
I hope Stephen Hawking's an organ donor because I need new parts for my go-cart.