My jokes

I asked my lab partner for sodium hypobromate, but he said, "Na Br O."

A nickname to call your short GF:

Little ankle biter Master Yoda Hasbula My little Ewok

My girlfriend gave me the best blowjobs, then she grew teeth.

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to change the bulb and one to suck my dick.

My favorite place to make a bonfire? Orphanages, of course, silly!

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest, telling her we can get married once she makes her way out.

Cremation. My final hope for a smokin’ hot body!

My son came up to me and said, "Dad, I'm depressed."

I pointed to the spare room and said, "Hang in there, son."

Whenever I go to bed, my wife disappears, but whenever I turn on the lights at night, she’s back in bed.

What does my arm have in common with paper?

They both can be cut.

My grandma always said, "Slow and steady wins the race."

She died in a fire.

My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction, so I packed up my stuff and left. Right?

I joined ISIS to help my self-esteem issues.

Everyone kept telling me, "You’re the bomb!"

My wife said I didn’t listen to a single thing she says.

What a weird way to start a conversation!

An ICE agent tells a Mexican that he can get his green card if he can use green, pink, and yellow correctly in a sentence. The Mexican thinks for a minute and says, "My phone goes green, green, and I pink it up and say yellow."

What did the trans woman say after finally telling her parents about her surgeries?

“It felt really good to get that off my chest.”

One time my dad was an orphan, so I questioned where he learned to parent.

What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

I've never had a lentil on my face.

My dog is called Syndrome. He jumps up at me and I shout, "Down, Syndrome! Down, Syndrome!"

I learned my dad got into a car crash this morning.

And my driver's license got revoked too.