My jokes

A nickname to call your short GF:

Little ankle biter Master Yoda Hasbula My little Ewok

Call me a worn-out sweater because I’m hanging on by a thread.

That’s about to become a rope around my neck.

I used to think that I had a Japanese friend, but it was just my imagi-asian.

I don't like consistency. Last night, I spent three hours looking at a room and thinking, "I need a flower pot here, and the couch should be on the right." Eventually, the police arrived and led me away from my neighbor's window.

My girlfriend went to the doctor for a broken arm, and they told her it should be better in about two months. I asked her what they said. She said, "It should be better in about two months." I then asked her, "What did the dentist say?"

What's the difference between a Corvette and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a Corvette in my garage.

My favorite place to make a bonfire? Orphanages, of course, silly!

I hope you know CPR, because you are taking my breath away!

I work in a garage, and yesterday a gay person came up to me and said, "Why won't my car go straight?"

My grandma always said, "Slow and steady wins the race."

She died in a fire.

Cremation. My final hope for a smokin’ hot body!

My son came up to me and said, "Dad, I'm depressed."

I pointed to the spare room and said, "Hang in there, son."

Whenever I go to bed, my wife disappears, but whenever I turn on the lights at night, she’s back in bed.

My ex-boyfriend threatened to kill me because I was suicidal.

I wanted to tell him, "Well, can we get what we both want?" I was already planning on dying anyway.

I hate it when a couple has a minor quarrel, and the girlfriend updates her Facebook status to ‘single.’

I mean, I fight with my parents all the time, but I never update my status to ‘orphan.’

My (at the time) boyfriend told our chemistry teacher that blood is corrosive to steel.

Anyways, my sharpener isn’t working because the blade has been too badly damaged from something else...

Roses are red, my mental health is blue, Karen got no mom like you.

My grandpa said, "You kids rely on too much electronics." I said, well we will see about that. *unplugging life support* me: *oops*

I decided to take my mother-in-law out the other day. I love being a hitman.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I've got a bouquet in my pants for you.