My jokes

My wife said I didn’t listen to a single thing she says.

What a weird way to start a conversation!

My grandma always said, "Slow and steady wins the race."

She died in a fire.

I’m not saying my life’s a joke. I’m saying it’s the punchline no one asked for.

I saw an advertisement for colored pens and how they write. They take a blue pen and write "blue," a yellow pen and write "yellow." I was inspired too.

I took a pen, filled it with my blood, and wrote "AIDS."

I like my women how I like my scotch: 11 years old and mixed with Coke.

I saw my wife at the dam yesterday, which sucks because I wanted her to flow further down.

You know how bad of a person you are when you figure out how long you wait to smash. For me and my girlfriend, it was between the first plane crash and the last tower falling.

You're so bald that your hairline is receding faster than my bank account after a trip to Las Vegas.

What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

I've never had a lentil on my face.

My girlfriend went to the doctor for a broken arm, and they told her it should be better in about two months. I asked her what they said. She said, "It should be better in about two months." I then asked her, "What did the dentist say?"

I don't like consistency. Last night, I spent three hours looking at a room and thinking, "I need a flower pot here, and the couch should be on the right." Eventually, the police arrived and led me away from my neighbor's window.

A nickname to call your short GF:

Little ankle biter Master Yoda Hasbula My little Ewok

What does my arm have in common with paper?

They both can be cut.

My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction, so I packed up my stuff and left. Right?

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest, telling her we can get married once she makes her way out.

Cremation. My final hope for a smokin’ hot body!

My son came up to me and said, "Dad, I'm depressed."

I pointed to the spare room and said, "Hang in there, son."

One time my dad was an orphan, so I questioned where he learned to parent.

Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when I push my autistic brother down the stairs.

I was out to dinner with my 19 year old girlfriend. I, being 47, had many people shouting at me and calling me a creep.

It really ruined our 10th anniversary.