My jokes

My dad went to go get milk. He came back 7 years later, and we had to send him back because he got the wrong milk.

"This morning, I came out my front door to see my neighbor frantically trying to scrub off the word "PEDO" that had been spray-painted on his front window."

"What's been going on, John?" I asked.

"Fucking kids," came his mumbled reply.

The dirty bastard!

My battery lasted longer than your sad, depressing life.

So, my girlfriend left me. I took her wheelchair, and she came back crawling.

I was crying because my dad was cutting onions...

Onions was a good dog.

Simplest way to tell if dogs are better than cats: My dog is named Curiosity, and your cat is dead.

When I was in middle school, I was on my bus and people were doin' hairline jokes, and I heard this guy say, "Your hairline goes back to... uhhhhhh... 2042?"

My cousin asked me, "What do you think was going through Hitler's mind right before he died?"

I told him, "Probably a bullet."

Hey, I just found out my toaster is waterproof! :D

Today was the worst day ever! My brother got run over, and I lost my driver's license!

Good night, sleep tight, wake up bright in the morning light, to do what's right, with all your might.

If I had a garden, I would put your tulips against my tulips... 🌷

I hate when my brother dates other people.

Just kidding! 😵😵😵😵

My granddad killed Hitler.

My relatives always teased me during weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"

But they stopped when I did the same to them during funerals.

"Mixed vegetables is just special ed class, change my mind."

"I hope my death would make more sense than my life."- Joker

I started crying when my dad was chopping onions.

Onions was such a good dog!

If I send a clown to deliver flowers to my wife...

...is that a romantic jester?

My roommate's diary says I have boundary issues.