My jokes

What did the trans woman say after finally telling her parents about her surgeries?

“It felt really good to get that off my chest.”

One time my dad was an orphan, so I questioned where he learned to parent.

What's the difference between a Corvette and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a Corvette in my garage.

What’s the similarities between a pillow and your mom?

They’re both in my bed.

A deaf couple wants to know when to have sex.

The wife says, "If you want to have sex, squeeze my tits once. If you don't want to have sex, squeeze my tits twice."

The husband says, "OK, if you want to have sex, pull my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull my dick 437 times."

I’m a cashier at a grocery store, and when I’m bored, I draw on my hands with a pen. Well, this guy walks up to me and says, “You know, I got mental illnesses from drawing on myself.”

And so, without thinking, I said, “Well, I’ve already got those, so I think I’m fine...” 😳 He looked concerned. Oops lol.

I regret my abortion.

I didn’t know child labor was an option.

I love the way the Earth rotates.

It really makes my day!

They toss and turn to the sound of thunder, but I got watermelon to soothe my slumber!

Hey girl, are you a drill sergeant, because you have my privates' attention.

My roommate's diary says I have boundary issues.

My father is like Houdini. When he heard his girlfriend was pregnant, he disappeared.

Hi, I am just wondering who went into my account, 'cause I've changed my password, by the way.

My grandpa is a great hero. He's the one who shot Hitler.

I had a cake for my gender reveal party. I cut it, and the inside was yellow...

I was crying because my dad was cutting onions...

Onions was a good dog.

My dad died in 9/11. He was a great pilot.

When I was in middle school, I was on my bus and people were doin' hairline jokes, and I heard this guy say, "Your hairline goes back to... uhhhhhh... 2042?"

Simplest way to tell if dogs are better than cats: My dog is named Curiosity, and your cat is dead.

My mum said take out the trash, so I took my sister.