My jokes

My doctor gave me 1 year. So I shot him.

The judge gave me fifteen. Problem solved!

I think my family is racist.

I brought a black girl home, and my wife went crazy and told me to pack my bags, and my kids were upset.

My girlfriend died in Tokyo during a tsunami. I was sad, but my friend told me, "Don't worry, there are plenty more in the ocean."

I hooked up with my German girlfriend. It was really distracting when she kept saying her age.

I was walking down the street and saw a kid and I said, "Are you an orphan?"

He said, "Yeah, what gave me away?"

I said, "Your parents at first."

My son was thrown out of school for letting a schoolgirl wank him off.

"That's the third school this year..." I said to my son, "... Maybe teaching isn't for you."

I was in the mood for some dark meat, so I called my black friend.

My dad went out for milk. It's been 15 years and I still have to eat my cereal dry.

Your teeth are so spread out my mom can drive her car through the gap in your teeth.

Are you my depression, because I’m falling for you?

I tried to high-five my emo friend, but he just left me hanging.

I was in a haunted house today. Nothing scared me until I reached the last room, where I saw the scariest Halloween ghost I've ever seen. He took my pens and ghosted. I was told that I saw Pristiano Penaldo and I was lucky enough to see him because he performs once in a blue moon.

My dad is so good at instruments, he said he loves to finger "a minor."

I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before kicking the bucket: "Hey, wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"

My teacher: If you could go anywhere, where would you go?

Me: Demon Slayer.

My teacher: Why?

The quiet kid: TO GET EATEN BY A DEMON OR BECOME ONE!!!

What does my dad and Nemo have in common? They both can't be found.

A: Why are you so sad?

B: I was watching porn, and all of a sudden my wife opened the door.

A: Ok, I see, but is that really such a big deal?

B: I mean, she opened the door in the movie.

I was going to tell my dad a joke, but he still hasn't come back with the milk yet.

Once my friend was saying something dumb, and I was like, "I Campbell-eve you just said that."

I was tickling my step brother's balls, and then it hit me: why is he laughing?