My jokes

My therapist once said, "time heals all wounds." So I stabbed him. Now we wait...

My mum once told me, "How do you spell Mississippi?" and I said, "Misisipi." But she said, "No, it goes mi-ss-i-ss-pp-i," and I laughed when she said "pp." Then she said, "Why are you laughing?" I tried saying, "You said pp," but I was laughing too hard.

What does my dad and Nemo have in common? They both can't be found.

I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before kicking the bucket: "Hey, wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"

My teacher: If you could go anywhere, where would you go?

Me: Demon Slayer.

My teacher: Why?

The quiet kid: TO GET EATEN BY A DEMON OR BECOME ONE!!!

I was in a haunted house today. Nothing scared me until I reached the last room, where I saw the scariest Halloween ghost I've ever seen. He took my pens and ghosted. I was told that I saw Pristiano Penaldo and I was lucky enough to see him because he performs once in a blue moon.

I was going to tell my dad a joke, but he still hasn't come back with the milk yet.

My dad is so good at instruments, he said he loves to finger "a minor."

I like my women like I like my wine. 16 years old and locked in a basement.

I was playing football with my friends, and I got tackled and got a penalty. Suddenly, the ground started shaking, and Penaldo emerged from the mud. He took the penalty, but since it wasn't Andorra, he missed. Shame on you, Penaldo!

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

I tried to come up with a funny pun about squirrels, but all my ideas were nuts.

I was happy for once, and my family was happy I was happy, but that all changed when they found out I was thinking about bridges and humans.

Hickory dickory dock. My wife avoids my cock. She's losing her and having an affair. So I had to slap Chris Rock.

I was tickling my step brother's balls, and then it hit me: why is he laughing?

Once my friend was saying something dumb, and I was like, "I Campbell-eve you just said that."

Once I tried to tell my friend a joke about dead people... but it went six feet underground...

Advertisement: "What's in your wallet?"

Me: "The same amount of money as there is my will to live... ;_)"

I was laughing my ass off when the 12-year-old child realized the door to my basement was unlocked, and he didn't need to cannibalize his two friends in a desperate attempt for survival. 🤣🤣🤣

Hey guys, wish me luck on my game Al-Nassr vs. Raed Al-Raed. I have 604 million followers on Instagram, but we are not gonna be able to beat that. Can we get to 69 followers, please and thankyou?