My jokes

Advertisement: "What's in your wallet?"

Me: "The same amount of money as there is my will to live... ;_)"

Once my friend was saying something dumb, and I was like, "I Campbell-eve you just said that."

Son: Dad, I had sex for the first time.

Dad: Would you like to talk about it?

Son: Sure.

Dad: Sit down and let's talk about it.

Son: I can't, my butt hurts.

My dick was in the book of world records.

But then the librarian asked me to take it out.

I asked a kid at my work where his parents were. He started crying. Man, I don't know what I did. I'll ask another kid at the orphanage.

I was walking down the street and saw a kid and I said, "Are you an orphan?"

He said, "Yeah, what gave me away?"

I said, "Your parents at first."

I tried to high-five my emo friend, but he just left me hanging.

Help, my ADHD is so bad that not even I can focus in a concentration camp.

Friend: "UR LIT BRO!!"

Me: "That's what my sleeve said to my arm."

Someone at school asked what makeup I was wearing.

I said, "a smile."

They are now following me around asking if my mental health is okay.

My plan to avoid them is to not go to school.

Going to school is mandatory in this country.

Can you guess my plan?

My initials are K.M.C.

Which could also stand for "Kill Main Character".

Which I am planning to do in this book I’m writing.

I’m writing an autobiography.

My dad’s nickname for me is ‘Tiger’.

Now, my wrists look like a tiger.

My wife told me to stop being an idiot.

I told her, "Which one do you want?"

My girlfriend died in Tokyo during a tsunami. I was sad, but my friend told me, "Don't worry, there are plenty more in the ocean."

I hooked up with my German girlfriend. It was really distracting when she kept saying her age.

My dad told me he only drinks on days that start with a "T":

Tuesday, Thursday, today, tomorrow.

I asked my mom what is dark humor. She said "see them boy over there in the wheelchair, ask him to walk." I said, "but I’m blind." She responded, "Exactly."

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women. I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl, and I said,

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific, so I said,

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.

My best friend is transgender; she transitioned from a man into a woman. I think it's courageous of her to take a pay cut like that.