My jokes

I like my women like I like my wine. 16 years old and locked in a basement.

I was playing football with my friends, and I got tackled and got a penalty. Suddenly, the ground started shaking, and Penaldo emerged from the mud. He took the penalty, but since it wasn't Andorra, he missed. Shame on you, Penaldo!

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

I tried to come up with a funny pun about squirrels, but all my ideas were nuts.

I was happy for once, and my family was happy I was happy, but that all changed when they found out I was thinking about bridges and humans.

Hickory dickory dock. My wife avoids my cock. She's losing her and having an affair. So I had to slap Chris Rock.

I was tickling my step brother's balls, and then it hit me: why is he laughing?

Once my friend was saying something dumb, and I was like, "I Campbell-eve you just said that."

Once I tried to tell my friend a joke about dead people... but it went six feet underground...

Advertisement: "What's in your wallet?"

Me: "The same amount of money as there is my will to live... ;_)"

I was laughing my ass off when the 12-year-old child realized the door to my basement was unlocked, and he didn't need to cannibalize his two friends in a desperate attempt for survival. 🤣🤣🤣

Hey guys, wish me luck on my game Al-Nassr vs. Raed Al-Raed. I have 604 million followers on Instagram, but we are not gonna be able to beat that. Can we get to 69 followers, please and thankyou?

My girlfriend called me pedophile today.

Big word for a 12-year-old.

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women. I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl, and I said,

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific, so I said,

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

My dad told me he only drinks on days that start with a "T":

Tuesday, Thursday, today, tomorrow.

My wife told me to stop being an idiot.

I told her, "Which one do you want?"

I bought my blind friend a house on the edge of a cliff.

They died of happiness and a 30 story fall.

My friend was pissed off with me. I was sniffing his sister's knickers. It was worse that they were still on her. It was worse the family were there. It made the rest of her funeral really awkward.

Last Halloween, I went dressed as a woman. When I rang the doorbell, an elderly woman opened it, and I made a grunting noise and knocked the bowl of candy out of her hands.

She immediately called the police and told them exactly what happened. The officer pulled me aside and asked me a few questions. First, he asked if my parents were here, and I said nothing. Concerned by my answer, he then asked if I was okay, so I said nothing. He asked me what my name was, and I responded, "Hellen Keller."

In life, it’s either yeet or get beat, and I clearly failed yeeting as a child, as my dad beat me.