My jokes

Hickory dickory dock. My wife avoids my cock. She's losing her and having an affair. So I had to slap Chris Rock.

My therapist once said, "time heals all wounds." So I stabbed him. Now we wait...

My dad brought me some sunglasses, but it still wasn't enough to keep my son out of my life.

My mum once told me, "How do you spell Mississippi?" and I said, "Misisipi." But she said, "No, it goes mi-ss-i-ss-pp-i," and I laughed when she said "pp." Then she said, "Why are you laughing?" I tried saying, "You said pp," but I was laughing too hard.

Advertisement: "What's in your wallet?"

Me: "The same amount of money as there is my will to live... ;_)"

Once I tried to tell my friend a joke about dead people... but it went six feet underground...

I asked my mom what is dark humor. She said "see them boy over there in the wheelchair, ask him to walk." I said, "but I’m blind." She responded, "Exactly."

My best friend is transgender; she transitioned from a man into a woman. I think it's courageous of her to take a pay cut like that.

I told the last person I slept with I was pregnant. He freaked the fuck out but calmed down after he realized it was April Fools'.

The look on my cousin's face was hilarious.

I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.

I was laughing my ass off when the 12-year-old child realized the door to my basement was unlocked, and he didn't need to cannibalize his two friends in a desperate attempt for survival. 🤣🤣🤣

My initials are K.M.C.

Which could also stand for "Kill Main Character".

Which I am planning to do in this book I’m writing.

I’m writing an autobiography.

My dick was in the book of world records.

But then the librarian asked me to take it out.

I was walking down the street and saw a kid and I said, "Are you an orphan?"

He said, "Yeah, what gave me away?"

I said, "Your parents at first."

I asked a kid at my work where his parents were. He started crying. Man, I don't know what I did. I'll ask another kid at the orphanage.

I tried to high-five my emo friend, but he just left me hanging.

Someone at school asked what makeup I was wearing.

I said, "a smile."

They are now following me around asking if my mental health is okay.

My plan to avoid them is to not go to school.

Going to school is mandatory in this country.

Can you guess my plan?

My dad’s nickname for me is ‘Tiger’.

Now, my wrists look like a tiger.

Once my friend was saying something dumb, and I was like, "I Campbell-eve you just said that."

Hey guys, wish me luck on my game Al-Nassr vs. Raed Al-Raed. I have 604 million followers on Instagram, but we are not gonna be able to beat that. Can we get to 69 followers, please and thankyou?