My jokes

I had the worst day of my life. My 13 year old ex got killed and I got fired from my job as a police guard. Did I mention that we were in Syria?

What did the cow say when he lost his tractor?

"Where's my tractor?"

I was going to make a depressing joke, but my parents already did.

I got fired from a pickle factory for getting my finger caught in a slicer. They only gave *her* the day off with pay... unfair!

I asked my wife to embrace her mistakes.

She gave me a hug.

My girlfriend asked me whether I was having sex behind her back, and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

Suck my pp!

My wife is not only gone like gonorrhea, she is also gone because of my (and now her) gonorrhea.

I told the last person I slept with I was pregnant. He freaked the fuck out but calmed down after he realized it was April Fools'.

The look on my cousin's face was hilarious.

I know this is a really bad poem, but I'll do it anyway 'cause I have nothing else to do.

'Twas so pretty a night, with people all asleep. Everyone's dreaming of that candy apple treat, and a palace. But alas! No, it's all a dream. Even eating ice cream, it's all a dream! Why can't I have this? Why can't I have that? BUT NO! It's just hitting you like a bat. YOU JUST HAVE TO HAVE IT, you say to yourself. All for me, all for me, and et cetera. It goes on and on. But why wish for riches? You're already rich enough. If you have a device, then take my advise, if you were poor you would have spent the money on food, like honey, not something that... OF ALL THINGS IS GOOGLE!

Like I said, it's really bad. :(

My therapist told me time heals wounds, so I stabbed him, and now we wait.

Q. What does a Russian girl do when she gets unexpectedly pregnant?

A. Has an abortion.

My sister told me only onions make you cry, so I always hit her back when she hit me, but I hit her with a shoe only to catch her cry.

Ever had a migraine? Yeah, sorry that’s my fault. Couple years ago, all my grains got loose.

I taught my dog how to play the trumpet on the London Underground over the weekend.

He went from Barking to Tooting in just under 20 minutes.

I got to work.

Ben: Oh no, my boss is here. I hate my job and I'm terrified of my boss.

Ben: Uh, hey, hey Mr. Boss.

Boss: Have a nice day.

Ben: Ok, bye!

Boss:??

Can you guys check out my joke, please?

Bully: My d*ck is longer than your password. Me: I don't have a password. So you *won't* have a d*ck after I tear it off you.

"Jimmy Jimmy, Yes Papa,"

"Give away my Money, No Papa,"

"Telling Lies, OK, Ima Check my Bank Account."

When I'm cutting my grass, want to know what it reminds me of? My arms and legs.