My jokes

What vegetable is good for your memory? A carrot, because the last time I had one shoved up my ass, I never forgot about it.

Son: Dad, I had sex for the first time.

Dad: Would you like to talk about it?

Son: Sure.

Dad: Sit down and let's talk about it.

Son: I can't, my butt hurts.

I tried to high-five my emo friend, but he just left me hanging.

Help, my ADHD is so bad that not even I can focus in a concentration camp.

My dick was in the book of world records.

But then the librarian asked me to take it out.

I asked a kid at my work where his parents were. He started crying. Man, I don't know what I did. I'll ask another kid at the orphanage.

Someone at school asked what makeup I was wearing.

I said, "a smile."

They are now following me around asking if my mental health is okay.

My plan to avoid them is to not go to school.

Going to school is mandatory in this country.

Can you guess my plan?

My initials are K.M.C.

Which could also stand for "Kill Main Character".

Which I am planning to do in this book I’m writing.

I’m writing an autobiography.

My dad’s nickname for me is ‘Tiger’.

Now, my wrists look like a tiger.

I was walking down the street and saw a kid and I said, "Are you an orphan?"

He said, "Yeah, what gave me away?"

I said, "Your parents at first."

Friend: "UR LIT BRO!!"

Me: "That's what my sleeve said to my arm."

My best friend is transgender; she transitioned from a man into a woman. I think it's courageous of her to take a pay cut like that.

I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.

I asked my mom what is dark humor. She said "see them boy over there in the wheelchair, ask him to walk." I said, "but I’m blind." She responded, "Exactly."

I like my women the way I like my coffee, and I don't drink coffee.

I was in the mood for some dark meat, so I called my black friend.

My dad went out for milk. It's been 15 years and I still have to eat my cereal dry.

Your teeth are so spread out my mom can drive her car through the gap in your teeth.

My dad just found out and told my mom about one of their friends, Chad, who just murdered his wife, Claire. After doing that, he turned the gun on himself and committed suicide right after.

My mom's reply: "Jesus, Chad will do anything to get out of cleaning his mess, won't he?"

Are you my depression, because I’m falling for you?