My jokes

I was tickling my step brother's balls, and then it hit me: why is he laughing?

My therapist once said, "time heals all wounds." So I stabbed him. Now we wait...

Once I tried to tell my friend a joke about dead people... but it went six feet underground...

Advertisement: "What's in your wallet?"

Me: "The same amount of money as there is my will to live... ;_)"

My dad just found out and told my mom about one of their friends, Chad, who just murdered his wife, Claire. After doing that, he turned the gun on himself and committed suicide right after.

My mom's reply: "Jesus, Chad will do anything to get out of cleaning his mess, won't he?"

I like my women the way I like my coffee, and I don't drink coffee.

I think my family is racist.

I brought a black girl home, and my wife went crazy and told me to pack my bags, and my kids were upset.

I bought my blind friend a house on the edge of a cliff.

They died of happiness and a 30 story fall.

My friend was pissed off with me. I was sniffing his sister's knickers. It was worse that they were still on her. It was worse the family were there. It made the rest of her funeral really awkward.

Last Halloween, I went dressed as a woman. When I rang the doorbell, an elderly woman opened it, and I made a grunting noise and knocked the bowl of candy out of her hands.

She immediately called the police and told them exactly what happened. The officer pulled me aside and asked me a few questions. First, he asked if my parents were here, and I said nothing. Concerned by my answer, he then asked if I was okay, so I said nothing. He asked me what my name was, and I responded, "Hellen Keller."

In my free time, I like to help blind people.

Verb, not adjective.

My sister argued with me that you can't make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!

My boss had the heart of a child.

In a jar. On his desk.

Toto is at school and asks if he can go to the bathroom. The teacher says no.

Then, she asks Toto, “Where is the biggest river in the world?”

“Under my bench,” he replies.

A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?"

"Yes," replies the murderer, "Can you please hold my hand?"

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

A man comes home and hears his wife talking about having sex at the club. The man busts into the club with a revolver and says, "WHO TF FUCKED MY WIFE?" Well, everyone looks over and is quiet, and someone in the back says, "Mate, you don't have enough bullets."

Chuck Norris: "I block bullets with my beard." Abraham Lincoln: "I catch bullets with my skull."

The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, "Honey put down the knife, we were only talking about getting a divorce."

I'll never forget my grandpa's last words.

"Are you still holding the ladder?"