My jokes

I was laughing my ass off when the 12-year-old child realized the door to my basement was unlocked, and he didn't need to cannibalize his two friends in a desperate attempt for survival. 🤣🤣🤣

I bought my blind friend a house on the edge of a cliff.

They died of happiness and a 30 story fall.

My friend was pissed off with me. I was sniffing his sister's knickers. It was worse that they were still on her. It was worse the family were there. It made the rest of her funeral really awkward.

Last Halloween, I went dressed as a woman. When I rang the doorbell, an elderly woman opened it, and I made a grunting noise and knocked the bowl of candy out of her hands.

She immediately called the police and told them exactly what happened. The officer pulled me aside and asked me a few questions. First, he asked if my parents were here, and I said nothing. Concerned by my answer, he then asked if I was okay, so I said nothing. He asked me what my name was, and I responded, "Hellen Keller."

In my free time, I like to help blind people.

Verb, not adjective.

My sister argued with me that you can't make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!

My boss had the heart of a child.

In a jar. On his desk.

I woke up one night and it was really dark in my room. Then my TV started to float out the window. I said, "Drop it, nig-"

Toto is at school and asks if he can go to the bathroom. The teacher says no.

Then, she asks Toto, “Where is the biggest river in the world?”

“Under my bench,” he replies.

I'll never forget my grandpa's last words.

"Are you still holding the ladder?"

A man comes home and hears his wife talking about having sex at the club. The man busts into the club with a revolver and says, "WHO TF FUCKED MY WIFE?" Well, everyone looks over and is quiet, and someone in the back says, "Mate, you don't have enough bullets."

The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, "Honey put down the knife, we were only talking about getting a divorce."

Chuck Norris: "I block bullets with my beard." Abraham Lincoln: "I catch bullets with my skull."

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?"

"Yes," replies the murderer, "Can you please hold my hand?"

My friends and I were talking about this really ugly girl at our school. For some reason, she had the same name as me.

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But if I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.

Bill Cosby on rape: "But, I heard, 'my body, my choice.'"

What's black and white and red all over? The prisoner I just hit with my car.

I, for one, wish Donald Trump was President again. It's been a while since we had a presidential assassination.