My jokes

What does my dad and Nemo have in common? They both can't be found.

I like my women like I like my wine. 16 years old and locked in a basement.

I was tickling my step brother's balls, and then it hit me: why is he laughing?

I always keep anti-fungal spray with me... because I don't want to share my girlfriend with anyone.

Why do the twin towers and my mom have in common? They fell over.

I was happy for once, and my family was happy I was happy, but that all changed when they found out I was thinking about bridges and humans.

My therapist once said, "time heals all wounds." So I stabbed him. Now we wait...

Advertisement: "What's in your wallet?"

Me: "The same amount of money as there is my will to live... ;_)"

Once I tried to tell my friend a joke about dead people... but it went six feet underground...

My only friend who actually cares: "Stop making suicide jokes, I’m really concerned!"

Me: Okay, I’ll cut it out.

My girlfriend died in Tokyo during a tsunami. I was sad, but my friend told me, "Don't worry, there are plenty more in the ocean."

I hooked up with my German girlfriend. It was really distracting when she kept saying her age.

I always enjoy family reunions.

It's always a good time meeting up with my exes.

I bought my blind friend a house on the edge of a cliff.

They died of happiness and a 30 story fall.

My friend was pissed off with me. I was sniffing his sister's knickers. It was worse that they were still on her. It was worse the family were there. It made the rest of her funeral really awkward.

Last Halloween, I went dressed as a woman. When I rang the doorbell, an elderly woman opened it, and I made a grunting noise and knocked the bowl of candy out of her hands.

She immediately called the police and told them exactly what happened. The officer pulled me aside and asked me a few questions. First, he asked if my parents were here, and I said nothing. Concerned by my answer, he then asked if I was okay, so I said nothing. He asked me what my name was, and I responded, "Hellen Keller."

In my free time, I like to help blind people.

Verb, not adjective.

My sister argued with me that you can't make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!

My little cousin's birthday was in a few days, and his mom said he wanted Hot Wheels. So I sent him a video of me pushing a paralyzed kid into fire and screaming "HOT WHEELS!"

My boss had the heart of a child.

In a jar. On his desk.