My jokes

I always keep anti-fungal spray with me... because I don't want to share my girlfriend with anyone.

I like my women like I like my wine. 16 years old and locked in a basement.

I was playing football with my friends, and I got tackled and got a penalty. Suddenly, the ground started shaking, and Penaldo emerged from the mud. He took the penalty, but since it wasn't Andorra, he missed. Shame on you, Penaldo!

My mum once told me, "How do you spell Mississippi?" and I said, "Misisipi." But she said, "No, it goes mi-ss-i-ss-pp-i," and I laughed when she said "pp." Then she said, "Why are you laughing?" I tried saying, "You said pp," but I was laughing too hard.

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

Why do the twin towers and my mom have in common? They fell over.

I was happy for once, and my family was happy I was happy, but that all changed when they found out I was thinking about bridges and humans.

My therapist once said, "time heals all wounds." So I stabbed him. Now we wait...

Once I tried to tell my friend a joke about dead people... but it went six feet underground...

Advertisement: "What's in your wallet?"

Me: "The same amount of money as there is my will to live... ;_)"

My dad just found out and told my mom about one of their friends, Chad, who just murdered his wife, Claire. After doing that, he turned the gun on himself and committed suicide right after.

My mom's reply: "Jesus, Chad will do anything to get out of cleaning his mess, won't he?"

I like my women the way I like my coffee, and I don't drink coffee.

Help, my ADHD is so bad that not even I can focus in a concentration camp.

Someone at school asked what makeup I was wearing.

I said, "a smile."

They are now following me around asking if my mental health is okay.

My plan to avoid them is to not go to school.

Going to school is mandatory in this country.

Can you guess my plan?

My dad’s nickname for me is ‘Tiger’.

Now, my wrists look like a tiger.

I bought my blind friend a house on the edge of a cliff.

They died of happiness and a 30 story fall.

My friend was pissed off with me. I was sniffing his sister's knickers. It was worse that they were still on her. It was worse the family were there. It made the rest of her funeral really awkward.

My autistic son hates taking baths or showers.

I don’t blame him, I don’t like soggy vegetables either.

Last Halloween, I went dressed as a woman. When I rang the doorbell, an elderly woman opened it, and I made a grunting noise and knocked the bowl of candy out of her hands.

She immediately called the police and told them exactly what happened. The officer pulled me aside and asked me a few questions. First, he asked if my parents were here, and I said nothing. Concerned by my answer, he then asked if I was okay, so I said nothing. He asked me what my name was, and I responded, "Hellen Keller."

My sister argued with me that you can't make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!