My jokes

I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.

I asked my mom what is dark humor. She said "see them boy over there in the wheelchair, ask him to walk." I said, "but I’m blind." She responded, "Exactly."

I was walking down the street and saw a kid and I said, "Are you an orphan?"

He said, "Yeah, what gave me away?"

I said, "Your parents at first."

My dad’s nickname for me is ‘Tiger’.

Now, my wrists look like a tiger.

Once my friend was saying something dumb, and I was like, "I Campbell-eve you just said that."

Once I tried to tell my friend a joke about dead people... but it went six feet underground...

Advertisement: "What's in your wallet?"

Me: "The same amount of money as there is my will to live... ;_)"

I bought my blind friend a house on the edge of a cliff.

They died of happiness and a 30 story fall.

My friend was pissed off with me. I was sniffing his sister's knickers. It was worse that they were still on her. It was worse the family were there. It made the rest of her funeral really awkward.

Last Halloween, I went dressed as a woman. When I rang the doorbell, an elderly woman opened it, and I made a grunting noise and knocked the bowl of candy out of her hands.

She immediately called the police and told them exactly what happened. The officer pulled me aside and asked me a few questions. First, he asked if my parents were here, and I said nothing. Concerned by my answer, he then asked if I was okay, so I said nothing. He asked me what my name was, and I responded, "Hellen Keller."

My sister argued with me that you can't make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!

In my free time, I like to help blind people.

Verb, not adjective.

My little cousin's birthday was in a few days, and his mom said he wanted Hot Wheels. So I sent him a video of me pushing a paralyzed kid into fire and screaming "HOT WHEELS!"

My boss had the heart of a child.

In a jar. On his desk.

Toto is at school and asks if he can go to the bathroom. The teacher says no.

Then, she asks Toto, “Where is the biggest river in the world?”

“Under my bench,” he replies.

A guy is on trial for leading a mob to gang rape a woman he'd taken out for a date. His defense is that he was helping her live out a fantasy.

The DA is furious and asks him WTF gave him that idea. He said, "After the date I took her back to her house, pulled out my dick, and tried to hand it to her. She told me, 'You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously, go get some help!'"

A man comes home and hears his wife talking about having sex at the club. The man busts into the club with a revolver and says, "WHO TF FUCKED MY WIFE?" Well, everyone looks over and is quiet, and someone in the back says, "Mate, you don't have enough bullets."

The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, "Honey put down the knife, we were only talking about getting a divorce."

Chuck Norris: "I block bullets with my beard." Abraham Lincoln: "I catch bullets with my skull."

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.