My jokes

A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?"

"Yes," replies the murderer, "Can you please hold my hand?"

My friends and I were talking about this really ugly girl at our school. For some reason, she had the same name as me.

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But if I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.

Bill Cosby on rape: "But, I heard, 'my body, my choice.'"

I, for one, wish Donald Trump was President again. It's been a while since we had a presidential assassination.

What's black and white and red all over? The prisoner I just hit with my car.

Are you a keyboard? Cause you're my type.

My dad died in 9/11. He was a great pilot.

My best friend got ligma. (Ah, did he? Sorry bro.) LIGMA BALLS!

I'm shocked, my new toaster isn't waterproof.

Sometimes I feel ugly, then I think of my sister and get over it.

My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology.

I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

My ex still misses me... But her aim is getting better every time!

Two husbands walk into a bar.

The first one says, "My wife is an angel."

The second one says, "You're lucky, mine is still alive."

An emo kid walked to me holding a rope, and asked: "Do you want to join my family tree?"

My poem, roses are red, violets are blue. I will die very soon. 🔪

Is it necrophilia if they die while you're having sex and you just don't realize?

That's what happened to my dog.

"Better lock 'em doors and turn the lights down low... Better turn 'em on, just stubbed my f***ing toe!"

I got in a car crash with a dwarf one day. He came storming out, and glared at me. I lowered my window and called out, "So, I'm guessing you're not happy?"

My name is Joe Biden, and I forgot this message.