My jokes
Life is better without my dad annoying me (him smacking me, screaming for something useless, limiting my screen time, and much more).
Your computer just went in my bathroom and took a shit because you put too much chili in the bowl.
I went to the table to eat my egg, but I couldn't find it anywhere.
I think someone must've poached it.
"I’m going through a lot of things right now," I said frustratedly to the person on the line as I crashed straight through the next building in my car.
Police: Where do you live?
Me: With my parents.
Police: Where do your parents live?
Me: With me.
Police: Where do you all live?
Me: Together.
Police: Where is your house?
Me: Next to my neighbor's house.
Police: Where is your neighbor's house?
Me: If I tell you, you won't believe me.
Police: Tell me.
Me: Next to my house.
Police: *Arrests me*
My girlfriend asked, "Why is this test so long and hard?"
I then said, "You know what else is long and hard..."
She was amazed!
My roasts aren't funny. At least this shit gets me money.
A lot of people get mad at me for my bad jokes. I always thought they were punderful.
Orphan: I’m gonna tell my parents!
Me: Where are they?
Orphan: ̄\_(ツ)_/ ̄
I put my heart and soul in my report, then my teacher says:
"Hey KIDS were going to repeat making current events about our state til we DIE."
....No wonder when kids leave school they're soulless.
RIP Meh Soul.
What's the difference between me and an orphan?
At least my dad came back.
By the time I ran my wife over with my car, I had to stop for gas twice.
I asked my sister to say something.
She said, "No."
That's what I like to hear.
I have breakfast with my boys.
Okay so not a joke but like- There's a fucking noose in my school gym.
Hello, are you there?
Yes, who are you?
My name is Watt.
What’s your name?
Watt’s my name.
Yes, what is your name?
My name is John Watt.
John What?
Yes, are you Jones?
No, I’m Knott.
Will you tell me your name?
Will Knott.
Why not?
My name is Knott.
Not what?
Not Watt, Knott!
*hangs up*
I asked my French mate if he had a games console. He said, "Oui!"
My dad died in 9/11.
He was a good pilot.
I got jealous when my phone died.
"I swear I'm the real Gwen! I swear on my life!"