My jokes

Abner’s wife was laying on her death bed. She suddenly used all her strength to sit up and say to her husband, “I must tell you something, or my soul will never know peace. I have been unfaithful to you, Abner. In this very house, not one month ago.”

“Hush, dear,” soothed Abner. “I know all about it. Why else have I poisoned you?”

My girlfriend broke up with me. She said I was a pedophile. I told her, “PEDOPHILE? Wow, that sure is a big word for an eight-year-old!”

Stop making 9/11 jokes, my father died in a plane crash.

Best pilot in Saudi Arabia.

A salesman rings the doorbell and Little Johnny answers. Salesman: “Can I see your dad?” Johnny: “No, he’s in the shower.” Salesman: “What about your mother? Can I see her?” Johnny: “Nope. She’s in the shower, too.” Salesman: “Do you think they’ll be out soon?” Johnny: “Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead.”

My future is so bright, I need a flashlight to see where I'm going.

I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me when he was dying.

It seemed really important to him that I have it.

A teacher asked her class “what is sex?”

Little Johnny got up and said: “Sex is a *temptation* Caused by a *sensation* Where the boy sticks his *location* Into a girls *destination* To increase the *population* Of the next *generation* Did you get my *explanation*? Or do you need a *demonstration*?”

The teacher faints.

A boy walks up to a girl and says, "I would tell you a joke about my dick, but it's too long." Then the girl says, "Yeah, I would tell you a joke about my pussy, but you'll never get it."

I go in to get a prostate exam. I'm nervous, but the doctor says it's all natural and needs to be done.

So he pulls down my pants and sticks one finger up my ass. I feel it go deeper inside, feeling for abnormalities.

That's when I realize his hands are on my shoulders.

Everything disappears in the Bermuda Triangle.

Except my depression.

I almost got caught watching porn. My mom got the bill for the account, but luckily dad had my back. I mean, we do use the same account.

I wish my hair was depressed.

Cause then it would cut itself.

What is the difference between a preschool and my basement?

Little kids leave preschool.

Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and was thinking to myself, "Where the f*ck is my roof?"

When I was 14, my mum caught me wanking, and she slapped me across the face. A couple weeks later, my dad caught me having a beer, and he made me drink 40 beers. I just thought, "Well, I'm glad he didn't catch me wanking."

I asked my girlfriend if we could try my rape fantasy last night. She said no. It was the best night of my life.

What's the difference between the Twin Towers and an airplane landing strip? Don't know, neither did my dad.

You wanna know why I love trains?

They end my suffering.

People sometimes ask me why I cut myself. I usually answer that at least I can scan my worth at the supermarket.

The other day my friend messaged me saying, "bro I have two pieces of bad news for you." I told him to combine them. He replied with, "your girlfriend is cheating on both of us."