My jokes

Q: My dad woke up one morning about to go to work, but he was still really tired, so he decided the quickest way to wake him up was to slap him in the face.

So he asked me to do it, but I guess I don't know my own strength, and so he went back to sleep again...

"Wubba Lubba Dub Dub" is one way to describe how my inner child acts, but yesterday I killed them. Now I hear "Wubba Lubba Dub Dub," I’m drowning in the tub.

Your hairline is so far back my grandpa said he had a glimpse of it in the 1960s.

My relatives used to tease me at weddings, saying I'd be next. They soon stopped when I started doing the same to them at funerals.

Do you want to know why I hired a protractor to tutor my nephew in IIROC? Because he has degrees. 180 of them. So he's smar[t].

Sometimes I look around and all I see is two fat cheeks in my face and say, "Too mushy apples."

My wife and I have been married over 30 years, but don’t get me wrong, we still perform tricks in the bedroom.

I sit up and beg, she rolls over and plays dead.

My mom went to take out the trash, but I couldn't find you.

Your butt is bigger than my ex-girlfriend's butt, and I love it!

Once I was riding my bike and saw a $5. I jumped off and died.

My bestie: Are you dirty-minded?

Me: Do I have dirt in my mind? No.

What do you call 2 emos making out in a science classroom?

My Chemical Romance.

What goes up but never goes down?

My grades.

(I wish)

Gwen, I am not gay. There is some stupid faker online! I swear on my life that I am not!

Btw, if I was gay, then why am I chatting and dating a girl?

Well, I got stuck in the dryer and fell asleep. Then my step bro got home, and I did not know, and hours later I woke up. My pants were down, and my butt was on fire.

Want to hear a joke? I swear it isn't about my life again.

My mom and dad made a joke together and called it "yeetsu" (me)!

I thought I had the best K/D ratio in my fighter jet on Battlefield, then I heard about Mohammed Atta.

I jump off a cliff and said I hate you, dumb blond, and eagle...Then I said to my wife, "We're done, Blondie," and said to my friend, "You're a dumbhead eagle!"

My Mom said she's going to kill me if I don't stop using my computer.

In the French school, four sentences must be written. Fritz heard his mother say, "Close the door!"

Fritz went to his uncle and heard, "Yes, I'll put it there."

Then he came to his brother who said, "They call me Superman, hahaha!"

Finally, his sister looked at a photo and said, "Wow!"

The next day, the teacher said, "Okay, Fritz, it's your turn. Finish eating and take out the trash!" Fritz said, "Close the door!"

The teacher got angry and said, "I want to see the principal." Fritz replied, "Yes, my friend, I am leaving you."

The teacher asked, "I have forgotten your name, what is it?" Fritz said, "I'm Superman! I'm Superman! You're nothing!"

"Who do you think I am?" asked the teacher, who had become very angry. Fritz replied, "Wow!"