My jokes

Vacation

Look, I'm innocent. I was just going on vacation in NY, but my co-pilot said: "Hit it with your best shot."

Suicide

My friend committed suicide yesterday... At least he went out with a bang.

Rose

Roses are red, life has no meaning, voices in my head, are constantly screaming.

Memes

Depression

When you suffer from depression and somebody tells you to just cheer up-- Me: My goodness, what an idea! Why didn't I think of this before?

Dog

I would name my dog "Five Miles" so I could say I walk five miles every day, but today I ran over Five Miles.

Model

I'm a Model. My doctor asked me to make an acronym for POST because I post pictures on Instagram.

(Trying to) P-ut O-ff Suicidal T-houghts

Friend

I lost my black friend in the shadows. I lost my white friend on the wall. I lost my Asian friend in the sand and I lost my Islamic friend in the bombings.

Dad

The average human male walks for five miles, but the gas station is ten miles away. So why does it take fifteen years for my dad to buy cigarettes?

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  • Dad

    You wanna know what I want for Christmas? My dad to come back with the milk he said he was gonna get.

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  • Dad

    I told my friend yesterday he's literally my dad.

    He didn't show up for the rest of the year.

    Wheelchair

    Ever since I needed a wheelchair, my husband has been so rude. He’s been pushing me around and talking behind my back.

    Xbox

    My Xbox has been acting up lately... So I painted it black to make it run faster.

    Insult

    My friend called me a dick earlier. I said, "You are what you eat." He then proceeded to run away from me.

    911

    You know, people should really stop making fun of 911....both my parents died.

    One driving one plane, and the other driving the other.

    Rain

    It's been raining for days. My wife is totally depressed. She keeps looking through the window. If this keeps up, I'll have to let her in.

    Priest

    A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Any last requests?" "Yes," replied the murderer, "Will you please hold my hand?"