My jokes

When you suffer from depression and somebody tells you to just cheer up-- Me: My goodness, what an idea! Why didn't I think of this before?

I just found out my ex got stabbed today... let's just say I lost my job as a butcher.

I'm a Model. My doctor asked me to make an acronym for POST because I post pictures on Instagram.

(Trying to) P-ut O-ff Suicidal T-houghts

The average human male walks for five miles, but the gas station is ten miles away. So why does it take fifteen years for my dad to buy cigarettes?

What's both red, white and sometimes purple?

My arms...

One time this kid came back from school and said, "Mom I have one good news and one bad news, which one do you wanna hear first?" And his mom said, "Good news please," and the boy said, "I got 100% on my math test today." and his mom gave him a hug, and the boy said, "Now to the bad news, I LIED!"

My wrists have a different texture pack than the rest of me.

A lot of things have changed since I got my girlfriend pregnant.

My name, my address, and my phone number.

I told my friend yesterday he's literally my dad.

He didn't show up for the rest of the year.

Ever since I needed a wheelchair, my husband has been so rude. He’s been pushing me around and talking behind my back.

My Xbox has been acting up lately... So I painted it black to make it run faster.

It's been raining for days. My wife is totally depressed. She keeps looking through the window. If this keeps up, I'll have to let her in.

These jokes are so dark they almost stole my bike.

My friend called me a dick earlier. I said, "You are what you eat." He then proceeded to run away from me.

I was asked at school to draw a line across the paper, but instead I showed them my wrists.

Two friends are talking and one says, "I had a good day today, I ran into my ex." The other guy replies, "How is that good?" The friend says, "I was in my car."

My teacher gave us an assignment, and one of the questions was "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

I answered, "Happy."

The teacher said I didn't understand the test. I said to her that she didn't understand life.

The twin towers are like my parents, only one came back.

How do emos propose?

"Would you like to join my family tree?"

My ex-wife still misses me...

BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER!