My jokes

I was asked at school to draw a line across the paper, but instead I showed them my wrists.

My Xbox has been acting up lately... So I painted it black to make it run faster.

When you suffer from depression and somebody tells you to just cheer up-- Me: My goodness, what an idea! Why didn't I think of this before?

I just found out my ex got stabbed today... let's just say I lost my job as a butcher.

I'm a Model. My doctor asked me to make an acronym for POST because I post pictures on Instagram.

(Trying to) P-ut O-ff Suicidal T-houghts

The average human male walks for five miles, but the gas station is ten miles away. So why does it take fifteen years for my dad to buy cigarettes?

I told my friend yesterday he's literally my dad.

He didn't show up for the rest of the year.

Two friends are talking and one says, "I had a good day today, I ran into my ex." The other guy replies, "How is that good?" The friend says, "I was in my car."

How do emos propose?

"Would you like to join my family tree?"

What's both red, white and sometimes purple?

My arms...

One time this kid came back from school and said, "Mom I have one good news and one bad news, which one do you wanna hear first?" And his mom said, "Good news please," and the boy said, "I got 100% on my math test today." and his mom gave him a hug, and the boy said, "Now to the bad news, I LIED!"

My wrists have a different texture pack than the rest of me.

A lot of things have changed since I got my girlfriend pregnant.

My name, my address, and my phone number.

These jokes are so dark they almost stole my bike.

It's been raining for days. My wife is totally depressed. She keeps looking through the window. If this keeps up, I'll have to let her in.

I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn't actually mine. Apparently, I need to pay more attention during school pick-up.

My friend called me a dick earlier. I said, "You are what you eat." He then proceeded to run away from me.

I can hear thunder outside, which I find weird since the lightning is on my arm...

Asked my dad what LGBT stands for.

He started with "Lettuce? Bacon. Tomato. What's the 'g' for?" Obviously, I had to reply with "Garnish."

"I told my black friend a joke. I told him he needs to lighten up!"