Woman one: "I got so mad at my GPS today that I told it to go to hell!"
Woman two: "Did that work?"
Woman one: "Well, it took me to my in-laws’ house."
My Jokes
Hate when my phone dies instead of me :))
My friend committed suicide yesterday... At least he went out with a bang.
I lost my black friend in the shadows. I lost my white friend on the wall. I lost my Asian friend in the sand and I lost my Islamic friend in the bombings.
what is less than 0?
my will to live.
Roses are red, life has no meaning, voices in my head, are constantly screaming.
When you suffer from depression and somebody tells you to just cheer up-- Me: My goodness, what an idea! Why didn't I think of this before?
I would name my dog "Five Miles" so I could say I walk five miles every day, but today I ran over Five Miles.
I'm a Model. My doctor asked me to make an acronym for POST because I post pictures on Instagram.
(Trying to) P-ut O-ff Suicidal T-houghts
The average human male walks for five miles, but the gas station is ten miles away. So why does it take fifteen years for my dad to buy cigarettes?
You wanna know what I want for Christmas? My dad to come back with the milk he said he was gonna get.
What's both red, white and sometimes purple?
My arms...
I told my friend yesterday he's literally my dad.
He didn't show up for the rest of the year.
Ever since I needed a wheelchair, my husband has been so rude. He’s been pushing me around and talking behind my back.
My Xbox has been acting up lately... So I painted it black to make it run faster.
My friend called me a dick earlier. I said, "You are what you eat." He then proceeded to run away from me.
You know, people should really stop making fun of 911....both my parents died.
One driving one plane, and the other driving the other.
It's been raining for days. My wife is totally depressed. She keeps looking through the window. If this keeps up, I'll have to let her in.
These jokes are so dark they almost stole my bike.
A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Any last requests?" "Yes," replied the murderer, "Will you please hold my hand?"
