My jokes

People sometimes ask me why I cut myself. I usually answer that at least I can scan my worth at the supermarket.

To whoever has my voodoo doll, please hold its hand.

I like my Oreos how I like my victims... Drowning.

So I meet with a therapist on a weekly basis. We talk about my depression and how it's been getting worse. Recently, I've been advised about my condition, and how I've been discussing with her about being suicidal. She's been very helpful throughout it. I was even told I can pay in advance from now on, so I don't have to worry about it later.

Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

My dad and I went to the hospital once, and he said he'd be fine and it'd only take a few minutes.

Lying bastard never came out.

I'll always remember my dad's last words... "Why do you have an axe? We live in the city!"

My therapist told me that time heals all wounds. So I stabbed him, now we wait.

I named my dog 5-Miles, so now I tell people, "I walk 5-Miles every day."

My girlfriend keeps calling me a pedophile. That's a big word for a seven year old.

What's the difference between my dad and a hooker?

Hookers come back.

Teacher: Kids, what are some things you have that make you happy? Kid 1: I have my family to make me happy. Kid 2: I have my friends to make me happy. Teacher: What about you, Sean? Sean: I have to take pills to make me happy...

We wrote letters to a kid with cancer. My letter read, "It's a bumpy road but soon you will have a straight path." People didn't realize it was meant for his heart monitor.

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

I was in cooking class and my teacher said, "Does anyone know what a chopping board is similar to?"

Me and my friend just glanced at each other and burst out laughing.

Long story short, the teacher understood the joke, and now we are both in daily therapy. 😭💀

Are you depression? 'Cause you're always on my mind~

My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair.

But I knew she'd come crawling back to me.

A thief walks up to a man in a suit and pulls out a gun. The thief says: "Give me your money." The man in the suit turns around surprised. He raises his hands and says: "But, wait! You can't do that, I am a Congressman!" The thief replies: "Oh, sorry. Give me MY money."

Father: "Son, you were adopted."

Son: "What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!"

Father: "We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes."

I like my people how I like my tea...

In a bag under water.