My Jokes

My family is like treasure. You need a shovel and a map to find them.

I don’t know what’s worse: Finding bucket loads of porn on my dad’s laptop, or finding out he was in all of them

I’ll always remember my dads last words.... Why do you have an axe we live in the city

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

Teacher: Kids what are something you have that make you happy? Kid 1: I have my family to make me happy. Kid 2: I have my friend to make me happy. Teacher: What about you Sean? Sean: I have to take pills to make me happy...

Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

I named my dog 5-Miles, so now I tell people, "I walk 5-Miles every day."

We wrote letters to a kid with cancer. My letter read "its a bumpy road but soon u will have a straight path." People didnt realize it was meant for his heart monitor.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair.

But I knew she'd come crawling back to me.

Are you depression 'cause you're always on my mind~

My girlfriend keeps calling me a pedophile. That's a big word for a seven year old.

What's the difference between my dad and a hooker?

Hookers come back.

A thief walks up to a man in a suit and pulls out a gun. The Thief says: "Give me your money." The man in the suit turns around surprised. He raises his hands and says: "But, wait! You can't do that, I am a Congressman!" The thief replies: "Oh, sorry. Give me MY money."

I like my people how I like my tea..

In a bag under water.

I wish i could be as visible as my depression is.

Father: “Son, you were adopted.”

Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”

Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”