My jokes
Roses are red, Violets are blue, Like petals in the wind, My heart dances for you.
Me: Hey! Look at my drawing of deez!
My babysitter: Very nice! But, uh, what’s deez?
Me: (¬‿¬)
My wife is the only person that has "missing" posters attached to her ass.
I really slapped my pants at school today. This is normal, because boys also have their period.
Your forehead [is] so big scientists measured it, studied it, and then finally they said: "Oh my God... your forehead is so big it's a 50 mile car ride from your eyebrows to your hair!"
My dad had a very unfortunate accident with his death. I clearly asked for Jammy Dodgers and got Bourbons!
Have you seen my uncle?
Jesus: I have.
God: Me too.
Boy: “My heart MELTS for you.”
Girl: “OMG, are you okay?!?!”
Boy: “Yeah, why?”
Girl: “Because if your heart is melting, then you are NOT okay.”
My mom told me to look for a bill in her file at her home office. Instead, I grabbed my sister's adoption papers.
Hahahahahahhah my nan died :)
My wife and I went to the bar to get a drink, but 2 mins later, I see her dead on the ground. I guess she couldn't see the bottle flying at her face. Then I laughed and went home.
It's so cold, I mist bring my jacket.
A guy walks into a bar with a 44 magnum and yells, "Who the fuck fucked my wife?" The guy behind the bar says, "Mate, you don't have enough bullets!"
My first thought when I read Betty Pear's obituary was, "Thank God for Alzheimer's!"
When I nailed the quiz, my teacher wasn't very happy. I wasn't either with all those paper cuts.
Oof.
My uncle died in 9/11. He was a pilot.
What did the farmer say when he saw his chicken cross the road?
"No, my cock!"
What has 148 teeth and🥴🥴 holding back a monster? My zipper.
My boyfriend always likes when I wear my fishnet sleeves. He says it looks great on me, but he doesn’t know that my skin is covered with scars... no one does. No one questions why I wear them everyday. I hope it stays like that because I can’t deal with my mom finding out that I still hurt myself.
My car 🚘