My jokes
My girlfriend is 19 and I'm 29. We go out to eat in a restaurant, but the whole time I have to deal with being accused of being a pedo, being called disgusting and disturbed.
It completely ruined our 10 year anniversary.
My dog kept chasing people on a bike. Eventually, it got so bad I had to take his bike away.
Little Johnny went on a camping trip. All the tents were taken, so he shared with the teacher. So Little Johnny says: "Can I play with your bellybutton? My mom always lets me when we camp." So the teacher says: "Sure." 5 minutes later the teacher says: "Woah, woah, woah that's not my bellybutton!" Little Johnny says: "Woah, woah, woah, that's not my finger."
Dinosaurs are like my dad. I never got to see either of them, and they are now extinct.
My favorite quote will always be, "Sketchy candy is better than no candy."
- One of the thousands of missing children.
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping up onions, which made me cry.
Onions was a good dog.
My grandpa has a world record for holding his breath. He's been holding it for 6 years.
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."
"Well, I'm your man," I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
The other day at school we had to write down our hero and what we would do if they walked into our house. I got off easy because my hero is Stephen Hawking.
Why do some couples make their status "single" after a small argument? Like, I don't put "orphan" after I get into an argument with my family.
Today, a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
If I went to Walmart, I would be able to scan my own wrists because they're barcodes too.
People were talking and asking what's the worst day of the year for them.
Person 1: "The first day of school because I don't like going to school."
Person 2: "Valentine's day because it's too lovey."
Me: "Oh nice, mine is my birthday because it's when I was born."
To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide, but you can't run.
I asked my girlfriend if we could try my rape fantasy last night. She said no. It was the best night of my life.
My girlfriend broke up with me. She said I was a pedophile. I told her, “PEDOPHILE? Wow, that sure is a big word for an eight-year-old!”
Two men were talking about their wives. The first man says, "My wife is an angel." The second man says, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
When I was 14, my mum caught me wanking, and she slapped me across the face. A couple weeks later, my dad caught me having a beer, and he made me drink 40 beers. I just thought, "Well, I'm glad he didn't catch me wanking."
I bet my friend $5 that he would die drowning.
A depressing but satisfying victory.
Stop making 9/11 jokes, my father died in a plane crash.
Best pilot in Saudi Arabia.