To the guy asking what joy I find in suicide jokes, the answer is simple. I make suicide jokes to cope with my crippling depression. Must be working, cause I'm still here.
My Jokes
911 jokes usually go over my head.
Then it hits me.
My family loves to have dance parties. My dad will just play music from his iPod, and I'll go to the light switch and make a nice strobe light effect. Everyone loves it, especially my younger cousin. He gets down on the floor and starts breakdancing! It makes him so happy, and he needs that extra joy in his life, especially since the doctor recently diagnosed him with epilepsy.
There are so many things going through my head. Sadly, none of it is a 9mm.
Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide," and he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
My wife caught me one day for watching a porn channel, so I quickly turned the TV to a fishing channel. On her way out, she said: "You should stay on the porn channel. You know how to fish!"
playing irl fruit ninja on my arm.
My grandpa has a world record for holding his breath. He's been holding it for 6 years.
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping up onions, which made me cry.
Onions was a good dog.
Little Johnny went on a camping trip. All the tents were taken, so he shared with the teacher. So Little Johnny says: "Can I play with your bellybutton? My mom always lets me when we camp." So the teacher says: "Sure." 5 minutes later the teacher says: "Woah, woah, woah that's not my bellybutton!" Little Johnny says: "Woah, woah, woah, that's not my finger."
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."
"Well, I'm your man," I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
The other day at school we had to write down our hero and what we would do if they walked into our house. I got off easy because my hero is Stephen Hawking.
Today, a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
Why do some couples make their status "single" after a small argument? Like, I don't put "orphan" after I get into an argument with my family.
I have 206 bones in my body, but when I look at you, I have 207.
To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide, but you can't run.
People were talking and asking what's the worst day of the year for them.
Person 1: "The first day of school because I don't like going to school."
Person 2: "Valentine's day because it's too lovey."
Me: "Oh nice, mine is my birthday because it's when I was born."
If I went to Walmart, I would be able to scan my own wrists because they're barcodes too.
Two men were talking about their wives. The first man says, "My wife is an angel." The second man says, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Everything disappears in the Bermuda Triangle.
Except my depression.
