Yesterday, my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson, I said, "Just for that, you don't get any butter for a month."
Today in the kitchen, she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try!"
My Jokes
My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister's panties. I don't know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearing them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way, it made the funeral a bit awkward.
My dad posted a picture of his condom challenge fail to his social media - it was a picture of me.
What do you call a retarded duck?
Fuck duck and lick my balls.
I lick cows for my mother.
I will always remember my grandpa's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"
My heart is like a plane.
It crashes every once in a while.
My dick is red.
Your pussy's pink.
It's really tight
When you're dead.
My dad.
It said to submit a joke, and that's what my mom did when I was born.
"I asked my friend what his height is?" He answered, "I'm sans'sational!"
Monkey: What ya doing?
Other monkey: Just you know, "hanging around."
Bad joke, right? I just can't think of something amazing. It's like my brain is "hanging."
Yesterday I asked my friend, "What is a fish without eyes?"
They replied, "I don’t know."
I said, "Fsh."
A feminist walks into a bar. Her friend says, "Oh my god, your shoulders are broad!" Another woman says, "Are you sure it's a woman?"
They toss and turn to the sound of thunder, but I got watermelon to soothe my slumber!
"(live comedy club) Foul Mouthed Trump Hating Comic:
......"Hey how 'bout that Donald Trump chump, what the fuck up with that dude, man? Geeeezus, he got some kuh-razy ass shit spewing endlessly out that pie-hole, 24/8!" (< leap week, muthafukas!) . . . "I mean, even his last name rhymes with shit that's synonymous for being fucked up, for instance"....
STUMP: TEENY DICK
BUMP: TINY TIT
GUMP: DIMWITTED MOVIE IDIOT GUY
MUMP: A FUCKED UP CHILDREN'S DISEASE
LUMP: IF IT'S MALIGNANT, YOU'RE KINDA FUCKED
UMP: OFTEN MAKES TERRIBLE CALLS
RUMP: AN ASS
DUMP: A PILE OF SHIT THAT CAME OUT OF AN ASS
HUMP: SOMETHING DADDY DID TO HIM DAILY THROUGHOUT CHILDHOOD
PUMP: SEE "HUMP" . . . and last, but definitely not least --
JUMP: JUMP INTO A DEEP HOLE MOTHER FUCKER, AND GO TO HELL!!
.... "Well that's about it for me as my explosive diarrhea is about ready to take a turn for the worse!! ......(splort!, plop!)....... OOOOPS!! ..... sniff, sniff........ Ewww!" (audience roars) "Fuhhhhk!". . . I better go, 'cause I just went!! ..... Ha! ha! ha!" . . . "Thank You Lazies and Gerbilmen! Good Night!!" ............
(endless laughter, guffaws, cheers, jeers, queers, beers, pants pee-ing, beaters beating, pepper sprayin', guns poppin')
"OH LORDY!!... HELL HATH FINALLY COMETH, AND ARMAGETTIN' THE FUCK OUTTA HEEE!!"
(quick curtain call, and off to waiting taxi.........with the windows down) .......Amen."
What's the difference between Jesus and the baby in my basement?
Jesus died a virgin.
What’s the difference between a dumpster full of dead babies and a Lamborghini?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Guy goes to the doctor. The doctor says, "You look run down." The guy says, "No, I've come on my bike!"
My friend's life.
