My jokes

My friend made a joke about dogs. I said it was a RUFF joke.

My friend made a joke about a dog. I said it was a "RUFF" joke.

A man awakes in a hospital and is confused. He decides to feel his legs, but to no avail.

"Doctor, doctor!" He cries out.

"What is it?" The doctor asks.

"I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor stands there for a moment - completely dumbfounded.

". . . That's because I amputated your arms."

What do you call a retarded three legged doggo heckin pupper monster? A 1996 Dodge Neon with a broken tail light cover and 166,748.46 miles on the odometer.

It could use a tune up and it needs a new transmission soon. New rear tires and a new radiator. Test drives with cash in hand. HMU motivated seller. Don’t waste my time and no lowballs.

What’s the hardest part about f...ing toddlers?

My boner.

Q: What's the difference between me and cancer?

A: My dad didn't beat cancer...

My gun is like my house, used to be full, now it's empty.

My neighbor is like my marriage. They're both in the hole.

Two old Indian ladies out picking potatoes, one lady stops, staring at this huge potato, turning it round and round.

The other old lady says to her, "What are you doing?" She says, "These potatoes remind me of my husband's nuts."

She says, "Oh my, are they really that big?" She said, "No, they're that dirty. lololol"

My mother wanted to test my responsibility and wanted me to cook dinner for the family to help me understand how it feels to constantly cook for a whole family. So, me with my horrible humor, decided to make a giant joke for when dinner time came around, and so I just got four plates and set them in front of my family and I then said, "Here you are, a fine African meal." Then everybody looked at me in disappointment, and then I continued to say, "What? Poor taste?"

In life, it’s either yeet or get beat, and I clearly failed yeeting as a child, as my dad beat me.

To the guy asking what joy I find in suicide jokes, the answer is simple. I make suicide jokes to cope with my crippling depression. Must be working, cause I'm still here.

My child is ungrateful. I got him a bike for Christmas and he didn't say thank you. No, he said, "Dad, I don't have any legs!"

My dad died lol.

I like my cigars like I like my women:

Seven years old coming from Cuba in a burlap sack.

I like my women like a day: 24 year olds. 24 hours of fun.

In my house, good sex sounds like seals slapping each other.

My friend asked me:

Friend: "How much is your body worth?"

Me: "1 million."

Friend: "1 million dollars?!"

Me: "No. 1 million kilograms."

Friend: "Oh."

So my ex invited me to dinner with her new boyfriend.

Her boyfriend said "Hi."

I said, "Knife to meet you!"

I dreamed I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow, but when I woke up, my pillow was gone!