New My Jokes - Page 75 - Worst Jokes Ever

If you say "slay" in my comments I will follow all of you lmao who are signed in.

God, I wish my grass was emo, so it would cut itself.

My mom said the only way to cure depression is to do what she does. She's dead.

(To a thief) If you like taking things, how about you take my life?

My dad is now a milkman.

Now I have over 50 brothers and sisters.

Guys, this is so wrong. I'm an orphan and this extremely offends me. I'm telling my parents, um.......

My girlfriend asked, "Why is this test so long and hard?"

I then said, "You know what else is long and hard..."

She was amazed!

My grandfather said that ppl rely on technology too much these days, so I thought about what he said and decided to unplug his life support.

My homework was to watch as much porn as I can... and tell my teacher the details so he won't get in trouble for watching it during class.

My friend called me a dick earlier. I said, "You are what you eat." He then proceeded to run away from me.

I was crying at school because my grandpa died. My friends asked what his last words were. I told them his last words were, "Are you still holding the ladder?"

Me: Y’all should start calling me 1943.

Friend: Why?

Me: 'Cause I’m going through my own Great Depression.

What do my dad and Nemo have in common? They both can’t be found.

I'm worth something, I got a barcode on my arm!

You're so ugly when a pig saw you, he said, "Yes, my brother is back."

I learned my dad got into a car crash this morning.

And my driver's license got revoked too.

What is white, then red, and is very fast?

My chainsaw blade.

So do you guys know those waterslides that you stand in, and then they suddenly drop you straight down onto the water slide? If not, look them up on YouTube, there's nothing like them.

Ah yes, the sweet memories of my first time on one of these. I feel that my mental/emotional scars have healed enough to tell this gem.

At the time my girlfriend, now Fiancée, worked as a photographer for one of those resorts with the indoor and outdoor water parks. One of her perks was that her and a family member/friend could get into the waterpark for free, so one hot summer day she had off and we both decided it'd be fun to go there and cool down for the day.

While we were there, I discovered one of there most "Thrilling" looking waterslides. Basically you stand in this tube, and then the slide operator presses a button and this slide drops you straight down a good 90 FEET, before you actually start going down the water slide. Me, being a thrill seeker, of course had to try it. So I made the great climb up to the top of the slide, stood in line, and finally it was my turn. Once I got in the tube, the operator told me to keep my legs crossed. Now I'm a pretty big heavy guy, so I was like "That's uncomfortable as fuck, I'm not doing that."

So there I was standing in the tube, having a panic attack from anticipation, with my legs not crossed. The operator finally presses the button, the bottom opens and I fall straight down the water slide. Very quickly I realized why they have you cross your legs. Water shot so far up my ass, so fast, I swear I tasted it in my mouth. My body raced down that slide, as I questioned every life choice that I have ever made.

Once I made it to the bottom, I sat there for a moment, absolutely violated. I felt like someone in an episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. I built up the courage to finally stand up, and all I could feel was the nice warm stream of water mixed with shit, and maybe a little bit of blood shoot out of my ass faster than the Steamboat Geyser at Yellowstone National Park. I quickly got off the slide and ran to the bathroom, with a trail of shitty water tailing me as the slide operator stared in awe. They had to shut down the slide for the rest of the day :'), but man was my asshole clean after that!

Moral of the story: Keep your damn legs crossed on waterslides.

Same thing goes when you are at bible study with a handsy priest.