My jokes

Today, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

My disabled friend rolled into a burning orphanage and saved lots of kids. When he came out, the kids tried to play with him because his wheels were on fire. They called him Hot Wheels.

Why don’t I shut myself all the time?

I can only fit so many pairs of kids in my mouth and stomach at the same time.

My pencil sharpener when I bleed:

And I don't really care how bad it hurts. Cause you broke me first.

My teacher called me beautiful. I hate when she lies.

My ex-friends are depressed. Their names are Kaitlyn and Ava.

Bro, my friend is always using zodiacs as an excuse.

The other day he said he couldn't hang out with me because of cancer. I told him to fuck off. Then I realized why he was mad after that...

Bro, living is so expensive, and I'm not even having fun doing it or getting my money's worth.

Wanna know something funny? Well, there was this one time when my parents were talking about their marriage.

Then after the wedding, they decided to make a joke, and then 9 months later, I was born. My birthday (4/1/06) April 1, 2006.

Wanna know what my favorite feeling is? Warmth. Fuck, I left the oven on!

My girlfriend said I was a ped0phi1e.

That's a big word for a 6 year old!

I saw this one quote: "The people who smile the most are covering the most pain." I think this is true, just not with everyone. As I am really depressed and act like myself with my friends, but with my parents and family, I force a smile so they don't worry more than they do.

I did a test for my therapy session to see what level of depression I had. It came back with severe, 22/24, but I asked her to tell my mum it came back as moderate, saying I would tell her that my depression got worse. She went along with it, but I haven't told my mum and I now make things sound like I aren't as messed up as I truly am to my therapist.

Mum: If your friend jumped off a cliff, would you?

Me: Oh yeah, no doubt my friend wouldn't even have to jump first.

My family was watching Home Alone 2, so whenever Kevin was at the top of the Twin Towers, I threw a paper airplane at the T.V.

Don’t make jokes about 9/11. My dad was the best Middle Eastern pilot.

There are painkillers, but they only relieve physical pain. I wish something could relieve my internal pain.

If you say "slay" in my comments I will follow all of you lmao who are signed in.

God, I wish my grass was emo, so it would cut itself.

My mom said the only way to cure depression is to do what she does. She's dead.

(To a thief) If you like taking things, how about you take my life?