Morbid jokes
My grandpa said I was too reliant on technology when he saw me on my phone. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
What's the difference between an American school and a shooting range?
My dick doesn't get hard at the shooting range.
Girl playing outside: "Step on a line and you break your mommy's spine." She then steps on a line and her mother keels over screaming.
Girl playing outside: "Step on a crack and you break daddy's back." She steps on a crack the mailman next door then keels over screaming.
The husband starts celebrating, gets in the car, and starts to drive away.
The son comes outside and steps on a crack.
The dad then dies in a car crash.
There was a boy named Sammy, and he was deeply in love with a girl named Rayne. But she didn’t notice him or talk to him. But one day, she did, and they end up liking each other and getting married and lived happil- wait no, that’s not right. Sammy snuck in Rayne’s house at night and kidnapped her, locked her in his basement, and turned her into a puppet so she'd be with him forever and ever. The End.
I ran over my neighbor's cat last night, and I just want to say... that thing was fast! I had to run a red light to get it!
New civil war themed porn title: “Harriet Tubman gets hit with something other than an iron ingot.”
I went to a sleepover at my best friend's house. He lives with his grandpa and little brother, his mom and dad. His little brother likes to run around the house naked sometimes. I can't help but notice his grandpa always looks up when he does.
Jesus Christ said my faith can move mountains, so Mohammed said my faith can move skyscrapers.
Better call NASA and tell them there are only going to be 7 planets after I destroy URANUS.
Why does Aaron always look depressed? Because his grandma's dead.
I banged a German chick one time. I tried anal and asked her to rate the experience. She kept yelling "9! 9! 9!"
(Bus Driver) What did you learn in school today?
(Kid) We learned that you are a sussy baka.
(Bus Driver) Oh yeah? Well, I quit!
(Kid) Quit what?
(Bus Driver) Living.
(Kid) But it was a joke!
(Bus Driver) Doesn't matter. I will die, but you will still be alive.
(Kid) Ok.
(Bus Driver) That was a joke, too!
Why was Timmy the only happy person in his family?
Timmy is dead.
What’s the similarity between your uncle and your hands?
They can both do dirty things.
My dad has the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Don't you just hate when you have to eat cereal with water because your dad won't bring the fucking milk? Cause same.
This one kid never stands up for the pledge of allegiance, and I'm tired of it.
Today, I push him out of his wheelchair.
Why can't dinosaurs clap?
Because they're dead.
A blind guy walks into a bar.
My therapist said time heals all wounds, so I stabbed him. Now we wait.