Morbid jokes

So a woman walks into a magician's toy store and browses the collection. Among which was a black, phallic-looking object. She brings it to the counter and asks, "what's this?"

The cashier explains that it's a magical dildo that will listen to whatever you say, "fuck me in the ass," it'll float in the air and fuck you in the ass, "fuck me in the pussy," it'll float in the air and fuck you in the pussy, "faster," it'll go faster, "harder," it'll go harder. She bought this magical artifact and went home for a night of fun and pleasure.

After receiving several orgasms from the magical dildo, she'd had enough, and she told it to stop, but it didn't. The dildo continued to penetrate her, it would go harder and faster, but it refused to stop or slow down. In a panic, she ran over to her car and drove to the hospital to get it surgically removed. Her panic made her disregard the traffic rules, and she quickly found herself pulled over by a cop. As she pulled down her window, the cop leaned towards the door and asked "Do you have any idea how fast you were going!?", the woman tried to explain the situation, she told the officer about the magical dildo stuck in her pussy, but the officer didn't believe her, "magical dildo, my ass" he said, and the lady drove home.

To all the children on this website, hello!!!!! Hey!!!! How is life treating you?

(BTW I'm a kid, too. I'm Hayley, and I'm turning 13. My B-day is 10/08/2008.)

Why did Steven Hawking not go to heaven after he died?

He could not get up the stairs?

Q: Why was the leper hockey game cancelled?

A: There was a face off in the corner.

What do you call a hospital that's flooded with vegetable soup?

When the guy next to you says that he kind of agrees with the villain.

Me watching a World War 2 documentary.

Bruh, people always makin' jokes 'bout how their dad left, well in my story it was the mum that needed milk.

What's the difference between a cat and a human? About 500 bullets.

Cut.

I have the heart of my mom, the face of my dad, the eyes of my grandpa, the ears of my grandma, and the hair of my uncle. We don't look anything alike; I just collect body parts.

At weddings, old people poke me and say, "You're next!" So I do the same to them at funerals.

Why did the serial killer cross the road? To get to the victim's house.

Knock, knock. Who's there? The serial killer.

So, three daughters were sitting in the same room as their mother. The first daughter asked why she was named Daisy. So, the mother replies, "Because when we were taking you out of the hospital, a daisy landed on your forehead." The second daughter asked why she was named Rose. So, the mother explained, "Same as Daisy, when we were taking you out of the hospital, a rose petal landed on your forehead." The third daughter then said "ksvrjxbdkavdowbxksb," so the mother said, "Shut up, Brick!"

I wish my lawn was emo, because then it would cut itself.

I ran over my neighbor's cat last night, and I just want to say... that thing was fast! I had to run a red light to get it!

I'm required by law to tell you I am a registered sex offender.

Why did Susie fall off the swing? Because she didn’t have any arms.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Not Susie.

What’s green and orange and sits at the bottom of the swimming pool?

A baby with burst armbands.

I've been trying to find jokes about gouging my eyes out, but I couldn't see any.

I always say I'm single, which annoys my wife.