Morbid Jokes

What's the best thing about dating a blind chick?

She can't identify you.

Once upon a time, Bob was in his hospital bed, receiving medical treatment not that far after finding out he had cancer. One day, his friend Jeremy decided to visit him. Jeremy told his best buddy this very inspiring sentence: "Sometimes in life, you and your heart will climb tall peaking mountains, and low flat valleys, and all after that we'll be happy forever in heaven, eventually." Little did Bob know that Jeremy was talking about his heart monitor.

What's red and screams when you shake it?

A skinned baby in a bag of salt.

I looked in the mirror yesterday. I still have nightmares...

What's the difference between Pikachu and an orphan?

Pikachu, I choose you!

If a homeschooled kid kills his parents, is it considered a school shooting?

I don't have much motivation for things, that's why I haven't yet killed myself, hehe.

What is the difference between Joe Biden and a knife?

A knife has a point.

Women.

Want to hear a joke?

Fortnite.

I donated to the LGBTQ community. Hopefully now they can find a cure.

What is the best thing about being buried alive or burning to death?

No funeral costs.

What if little Johnny was doing drugs?

"Johnny, Johnny?"

"Yes, Papa?"

"Eating sugar?"

"No, Papa..."

I was sitting at a bench at the park and saw a lady. She asked which kid was mine, and I responded, "I haven't decided yet."

Why do they call my dick section 8?

Because all the hoes are on it.

Q. What's a bulimic's favorite movie?

A. The Purge.

My family chastises me for MY job, but you should hear how my family provides "customer service" at their jobs. My mother works as a social worker and answers the phone like, "DYFS, you beat em, we treat em." My grandmother is a Medical Examiner and she answers the phone like, "City Morgue, you kill em, we chill em." These bitches have no class! I'm an actress and studio secretary. When you call the studio, I answer the phone professionally like, "Good afternoon. IHOP, International House Of Pussy. Creampie Cassie speaking."