Morbid jokes
When the guy next to you says that he kind of agrees with the villain.
Me watching a World War 2 documentary.
Q: What’s the difference between me and you?
A: I’m not wasting my time reading this joke.
So, two kids argued and insulted each other.
KID 1: "Your dad left because he didn't want you, so why don't you kill yourself?"
KID 2: "Well, your dad already killed himself because he didn't want you."
What do you get when you put a baby in a box filled with glass and nails and push it down the stairs?
... A boner.
When a woman removes polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye, but when Hitler removes the Polish with chemicals, suddenly people lose their shit?
An obese, depressed mother is trying to tie a noose, but can't reach it, so she calls her son for help.
*A few minutes later*
son: There.
mother: Where did you learn to tie such a good noose?
son: Dad showed me before he died.
mother: DAMN HIM TO HE- *slips and the noose chokes her to death*
What's the darkest point in the universe?
The inside of a KFC.
Welcome to Antonio’s pizza and abortion, where yesterday’s loss is today’s sauce!
What's green and smells like ham?
Kermit the frog's fingers.
My Grandmother died last month. The thing that bugs me to this day, I couldn't understand her last words... through the pillow.
My humour is so dark that its life matters.
Two guys are captured by native Chinese. They give them two choices: 1. Death. 2. 他妈的
The first guy: What's 他妈的?
The Chinese: Fucking.
The first guy chooses death.
Second guy to himself: Well, I'll let these sick fucks fuck me. At least I'll be alive...
The Chinese: Come on, we don't have all day.
Second guy: I choose 他妈的.
The Chinese: Ok, 他妈的 to the death!
A man walks into a skyscraper bar and takes a shot of tequila and jumps out of a window. An onlooker watches this and is scared, but what scared him most is when the same man who jumped came back up again 10 minutes later.
The onlooker who is amazed asked the man how he was still alive, and the man said with a drunk, slurred voice, “I don’t know, every time I take a shot and jump I float right before I hit the ground!” The man demonstrates and as he said floated down and came back up to the bar. The onlooker says that he must try, slams a shot of tequila and jumps SPLAT!
The bartender looks at the first man and says, “Your an a**hole when your drunk, Superman.”
Ever heard of a reverse exorcism? It’s when the Devil tells the priest to exit the child’s body.
Friend: How dark is your humor?
Me: It gets beat by the cops on a daily basis.
Do emo kids get jealous of their phone when it dies?
Where did Lucy go during the bombing?
Everywhere.
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words: "STOP SHAKING THE LADDER, YOU LITTLE CUNT!"
Woman: What’s a good comeback for my sexist husband when he tells me to go make him a sandwich?
Husband: I know! How about you COMEBACK with a goddamn sandwich?
If you bet on Russian roulette, even if you win, you still lose.