Morbid jokes
What do you call an emo kid's suicide live stream?
America's funniest home videos.
Roses are red, Violets are red, Sunflowers are red,
HOLY SHIT, MY GARDEN'S ON FIRE!
I wanted to solve teen suicide, so I shot up a middle school.
Sex is basically math. You add the bed. Subtract the clothes. Divide the legs to multiply inside.
Why can't dinosaurs clap?
'Cause they are dead.
How does Jesus whistle?
By blowing through the holes in his hands.
Jeff, did you hear they're making a film about Jimmy Savile? It’s a very touchy subject.
Yeah, I did, Gary, but did you hear the reviews on the Bill Cosby film? People said it was so boring it put them to sleep.
Why can’t dinosaurs clap?
Because they're dead.
I asked my daddy what sex was. He said, "Wanna cum and try it?"
My dad has the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
What does Earl Bradley and an Xbox have in common?
They both get turned on by children.
Did you know the people in the twin towers were great readers?
Yeah, they went through 80 stories in seconds.
A man driving along a country road sees a little girl crying next to a cliff. He gets out and says, "Aw, what's the matter little girl?"
She points off the cliff, and at the bottom is the family car, burning with everyone inside, all mangled and dead.
The man unbuckles his pants and says, "Little girl, today just ain't your day."
How do you fit 27 New Zealand tourists in a 15-seater bus?
Simple. All in the ashtray.
Simplest way to tell if dogs are better than cats: My dog is named Curiosity, and your cat is dead.
What do you call a green boner? The Grinch.
"Lizzie Borden took an axe. And gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, She gave her father forty-one."
A person in NYC is shot every 5 minutes. Poor guy!
If you are going to make fun of someone, make fun of orphans. What are they going to do, tell their parents?
Double whammy.
Dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old.
What is the difference between a baby and a watermelon? One smashes open when you hit it with a sledgehammer, and the other is a watermelon.