Morbid jokes
Simplest way to tell if dogs are better than cats: My dog is named Curiosity, and your cat is dead.
What's an emo's favorite Pink Floyd album?
The Final Cut.
What goes up must come down, apart from Mr. Vyse.
What do you find in Jeffrey Dahmer's shower?
Heads and shoulders.
Have you ever been accused of a crime you didn't commit? Well, I have! I was wrongfully accused of larceny yesterday. I'm not smart enough for that, I just stole some stuff.
A man has the power to grant anyone a wish they want.
A kid comes up and says, "I want to be like Batman!"
The man smiles and grants his wish. The child goes home and finds that he is now an orphan.
Where did Joe go after getting lost on the mine field?
Everywhere.
What's better than 5 babies in one dumpster?
1 baby in 5 dumpsters.
I decided to take my mother-in-law out the other day. I love being a hitman.
Like if you have balls.
My gf dumped me, so I took her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back?
What do you call sex in the World Trade Center?
An inside job.
A grandfather is on his rocking chair. His grandson comes to him and asks him to croak, to which the grandfather responds with a "no". His granddaughter then comes along and asks him to croak, to which the grandfather responds, "Why do you keep asking me to croak?" The granddaughter replies, "Because Dad says if you do, we get to go to Disneyland."
When you're walking through the garden section at Walmart and you hear your grandpa screaming, "They're in the fucking trees!"
What’s the difference between a bird and a human?
“We don’t eat with our peckers.”
According to statistics, 5 of 6 people enjoy gang rape.
My son asked me what dark humor was, so I told him, "see that kid in the wheelchair, ask him to stand." He said, "But Dad I'm blind." Exactly.
"This vacuum sucks!"
Vacuum: "Yes, I do."
What do you call a stalker stalking himself? A narcissist.
What if little Johnny was doing drugs?
"Johnny, Johnny?"
"Yes, Papa?"
"Eating sugar?"
"No, Papa..."