Morbid jokes
I got arrested because I cremated a guy. They said the guy had been alive when I burned him. I mean, it's an early cremation—what's the difference?
What does a pedophile and a light switch have in common?
They both get turned on by children.
One day, there were three people: a mom and two kids. One of the kids walks up and asks her mom why she was named Rose. Her mom told her that she ate a rose petal when she was born; that is why she was named Rose.
Then the second child walked up and yelled, "Ahhhhhh!" and the mom said, "Shut up, Billy Goat!"
What's red and blue and runs up your leg?
A homesick miscarriage.
What do you call a dead hooker?
It doesn't matter, she won't answer you.
Did you hear about Alicia's car accident?
She was really drunk and all over the road until she was all over the road.
My fortune cookie said, "Your existing plans will succeed." Not necessarily, since I'm suicidal...
If you're a cat person, never let hungry Chinese into your house. They might just have a snack.
Why did little Timmy dip the cookie in water?
"Because his dad never brought the milk."
What do you call a Russian rifle that went 1 rank down?
An AK-46.
I don't understand why, when I went to the shooting range today, the police came. Like, bro, I always go to elementary schools.
When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.
Ashes to ashes, priests prefer boys, 'cause they don't have to shave their asses.
Why can’t blind people eat fish?
Because it is seafood.
"So I asked a genie if he could grant me this wish. I wished to be like Michael Jackson. The next day, I was in a playground full of little kids."
Secretly, I’m a woman catfishing gay men on Grindr. When a notification from the app went off, my son told me, “I’ve heard that sound. Daddy has that game, too!”
lowkey "discharge" is an ugly word. I prefer créme de la meow meow.
"Twins sitting in class."
Me: Casually throws a paper plane at them.
When Covid spreads through food, but you realized you live in Africa.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I've got genital warts, Soon you will, too!