"So I asked a genie if he could grant me this wish. I wished to be like Michael Jackson. The next day, I was in a playground full of little kids."
Morbid Jokes
Secretly, I’m a woman catfishing gay men on Grindr. When a notification from the app went off, my son told me, “I’ve heard that sound. Daddy has that game, too!”
lowkey "discharge" is an ugly word. I prefer créme de la meow meow.
"Twins sitting in class."
Me: Casually throws a paper plane at them.
When Covid spreads through food, but you realized you live in Africa.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I've got genital warts, Soon you will, too!
If you watch "Jaws" backward, it will be a heartwarming story about a shark who gives arms and legs to disabled people.
What do you call an epileptic kid eating fruits?
A blender.
1.) What’s yellow and can’t swim?
- A bus full of children.
2.) Did you hear about the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
- He died of a yeast infection.
3.) I will never forget my grandad’s last words...
- “You’re still holding the ladder, right?”
4.) I have a fish that can breakdance...
- Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.
5.) Give a man a match and he will be warm for a few hours...
- Light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
What do you call an epileptic kid on cocaine?
An earthquake.
Uma Thurman's optometrist must have wide glasses sometimes.
My name is Jafar. I come from afar. There's a bomb in my car. Allahu Akbar!
Have you ever tried anal bleaching?
It really helps assholes lighten up.
What's the difference between a tornado and a divorce down south?
Nothing. Someone's losing a trailer.
How do you make an adopted kid bleed? ... Tell him to clap until his parents come back.
My grandpa said I was too reliant on technology when he saw me on my phone. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
I like my women the way I like my sandwiches... A little meat between their buns.
What do priests and doctors have in common?
They both do physicals on kids.
What does a mother fear most?
Hearing "YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!" for 5 different men.
What do you call a kid with Down syndrome trying to beat Minecraft?
“A sped runner.”
