Morbid jokes

Just noticed something: all celebrities die badly except for Elvis. He had a relief after Taco Bell.

My dad brought me some sunglasses, but it still wasn't enough to keep my son out of my life.

So I didn't want my mom going through my laptop, so I put a touch screen on it where you just have to tap the screen to unlock it. Jokes on her, she doesn't have any fingers.

So, every time I walk in the door, my kid shuts his laptop. So, I check his history. It was good, but my wife checked mine, and she didn't say the same. The words I heard were, "Get out!"

So, my kid took my car. He crashed it off a bridge. I miss it, but it's going to have my car.

Schools in the hood are kind of the same thing. I always seem to get shot.

I always wanted to go to the store as a kid because I always wanted to look for my dad that went to go get the milk, but I could never find him.

Money and women are kind of the same thing for me; it comes and goes very easily.

Slavery and discipline, it's kind of the same thing. You get whipped for doing the wrong thing.

I told people your mom is also known as "MBD" because you're a mega baby dispenser.

So I left my mom with my baby, and I was terrified when I came back; the wheelchair was in the water.

So I'm the cable guy around the neighborhood, and I do everybody's cable. So I walked into this one house, and I noticed a little kid and the mom was upstairs. I was asking where her mom was, and she wasn't answering, and it looked like something was wrong, so I asked if anything was wrong. She didn't answer, so I kind of raised my voice at her, but she still didn't answer, and then I realized the hearing aid in her ear.

I was making holy water, and my girlfriend walked in, saying, "What are you doing?"

I said, "Making holy water."

She said, "How are you making holy water?"

I'm boiling the hell out of it.

What are American schools?

Shooting ranges.

Joe Biden said he was going to a petting zoo.

Trump said schools are not petting zoos.

What do turtles and lesbians have in common?

They both choke on plastic.

What is worse than a baby getting hanged in a tree?

That same baby getting hanged in multiple trees.

What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?

Apples are actually picked.

I'm in school shooting. #USA

Ammon died.