Morbid jokes
1.) What’s yellow and can’t swim?
- A bus full of children.
2.) Did you hear about the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
- He died of a yeast infection.
3.) I will never forget my grandad’s last words...
- “You’re still holding the ladder, right?”
4.) I have a fish that can breakdance...
- Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.
5.) Give a man a match and he will be warm for a few hours...
- Light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
What do you call an epileptic kid on cocaine?
An earthquake.
Uma Thurman's optometrist must have wide glasses sometimes.
My name is Jafar. I come from afar. There's a bomb in my car. Allahu Akbar!
Have you ever tried anal bleaching?
It really helps assholes lighten up.
What's the difference between a tornado and a divorce down south?
Nothing. Someone's losing a trailer.
How do you make an adopted kid bleed? ... Tell him to clap until his parents come back.
My grandpa said I was too reliant on technology when he saw me on my phone. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
I like my women the way I like my sandwiches... A little meat between their buns.
What do priests and doctors have in common?
They both do physicals on kids.
What does a mother fear most?
Hearing "YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!" for 5 different men.
What do you call a kid with Down syndrome trying to beat Minecraft?
“A sped runner.”
Top 1 best football player 🏈 in the world.
“The guy who tackles the Make-A-Wish kid!”
What do Hiroshima and Nagasaki share in common with balls?
They both drop.
How do you keep a blind kid entertained?
You take him to a stadium crowd, then give him a bat and tell him to hit the piñata.
What do JFK’s killer and a prostitute have in common?
“They both blow heads.”
I love telling jokes about orphans.
What are they gonna do, tell their parents?
I looked up how fast cum shoots and it said 28 mph. That means that ejaculation is illegal in school zones!
If a crippled man told stories about himself, would that be called VeggieTales?
I like my men like I like my whiskey: Irish and put in a barrel for 2 years with barely any oxygen.