Morbid jokes

What's the difference between my car and a hooker? I park my car in a garage instead of leaving it on the side of the road.

Somebody called the cops for a school shooting, what a snitch!

Why did Timmy throw the clock out the window?

It reminded him of Arnold Clock, the man convicted of knife raping his wife.

Christopher Columbus: *Sees native Americans* Can I see your land?

Native Americans: Sure, just be care..........

Christopher Columbus: Boonk gang whole lot of gang shit.

The other day I pushed a Chinese woman off the Golden Gate Bridge. I was Wong on so many levels.

There was a boy named Sammy, and he was deeply in love with a girl named Rayne. But she didn’t notice him or talk to him. But one day, she did, and they end up liking each other and getting married and lived happil- wait no, that’s not right. Sammy snuck in Rayne’s house at night and kidnapped her, locked her in his basement, and turned her into a puppet so she'd be with him forever and ever. The End.

One day, someone goes out into the forest to go hunting, and finds out there are a few others in the forest. He comes back the next day to learn he is the only person there.

Where are the others?

They're in his freezer.

Stop making 9/11 jokes, my father died in a plane crash.

Best pilot in Saudi Arabia.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Disabled.

What did the priest say to the other in the orphanage?

"Let us prey together."

How do you make any salad into a caesar salad?

Stab it twenty-three times.

My grandpa has a world record for holding his breath. He's been holding it for 6 years.

I don't like 9/11 jokes; they have a tendency to crash and burn.

What was the Nazi racing tournament in 1943?

Gasar.

What do you call a hospital that's flooded with vegetable soup?

So I got asked why I suddenly started wearing a beret, and I said, "Well, you never know when you need to pick a lock."

What's black, white, and red all over? A penguin in a blender.

What's all fuzzy, warm, and laughing? The person who snapped its neck and put it into the blender.

So my best friend’s boyfriend broke up with her, and she started to cry.

So I told her a ‘single’ joke. Then she said, "Go and f***ing die, you insensitive bitch!"

I later said, "Ugh, fine, as your BFF I will break his body for you. Happy now?"

She said, "Sniff, yes."

There was an air crash of a Boeing 737-800 which can carry around 300 passengers.

It crashed in a cemetery.

They recovered 500 bodies.

"I bought my little sister a trampoline for her birthday, but all she wants to do is sit in her wheelchair and cry."