Morbid jokes
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Disabled.
What did the priest say to the other in the orphanage?
"Let us prey together."
How do you make any salad into a caesar salad?
Stab it twenty-three times.
My grandpa has a world record for holding his breath. He's been holding it for 6 years.
I don't like 9/11 jokes; they have a tendency to crash and burn.
What was the Nazi racing tournament in 1943?
Gasar.
What do you call a hospital that's flooded with vegetable soup?
So I got asked why I suddenly started wearing a beret, and I said, "Well, you never know when you need to pick a lock."
What's black, white, and red all over? A penguin in a blender.
What's all fuzzy, warm, and laughing? The person who snapped its neck and put it into the blender.
So my best friend’s boyfriend broke up with her, and she started to cry.
So I told her a ‘single’ joke. Then she said, "Go and f***ing die, you insensitive bitch!"
I later said, "Ugh, fine, as your BFF I will break his body for you. Happy now?"
She said, "Sniff, yes."
There was an air crash of a Boeing 737-800 which can carry around 300 passengers.
It crashed in a cemetery.
They recovered 500 bodies.
"I bought my little sister a trampoline for her birthday, but all she wants to do is sit in her wheelchair and cry."
What's the one good thing about pedophiles? They slow down near schoolzones.
Why did Steven Hawking not go to heaven after he died?
He could not get up the stairs?
Boggy
The cops are still searching for my wife's killer. Luckily, I already fled the country.
What's hard about walking through a bunch of dead babies?
My dick.
Johnny Johnny?
Yes pa pa.
Eating sugar?
Yes pa pa, I am eating sugar because it is the only thing I can reach and you have refused to feed me for the past 3 days. You smoke 2 packs of cigs a day and you're mad at me for eating a little sugar. Smoking? Telling lies? Yes pa pa, you do all of those things because you're a chronic addict.
What do you call a school shooting survivor who grows up to be a prostitute on the West Coast?
A Sandy Hooker
There is a man and a woman on a date.
The woman asked what kind of things do you love?
The table starts to lift up on the man's side and the man says sorry.