What do women have on an empty stomach? A miscarriage.
Morbid Jokes
You know what the yin and yang looked like before Martin Luther King Jr.?
There was none, it was all white!
Why did the murderer invest in condoms? To kill the future buyers!
What would good be if it was a place?
It would be a desert because it had too many droughts!
A man gets an email from his doctor.
"Sorry for the delay on getting your prescription, it'll be at your house tomorrow."
The man thinks to himself, "Oh shit! Then what have I been taking?"
What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs?
Names.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
A murderer.
A murderer who--
Is cut off by being murdered.
A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing.
A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking!
Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."
I'm starting to wish my grass was emo.
Why?
So it would cut itself.
What do you call blue and orange at the bottom of a pool?
A baby with flat armbands!
What's the good thing about fucking 21 year olds?
There's twenty of them!
What's the difference between putting a baby and a pizza in an oven?
The pizza doesn't scream in the oven.
I hate these double standards.
If you burn a body at a crematorium you're "doing a good job". If you do it at home you're "destroying evidence".
What's the difference between a baby and garlic bread? I feel bad when I drop garlic bread.
What's the difference between a man and a table?
The table doesn't cry when I break its legs.
What’s the hardest part about f...ing toddlers?
My boner.
Q: What's the difference between me and cancer?
A: My dad didn't beat cancer...
My neighbor is like my marriage. They're both in the hole.
Hippity hoppity, Hiroshima, Nagasaki.
Did Jesus die a virgin?
Of course not, he got nailed before he died!
