Morbid jokes
Why did God make pigs before politicians?
He just needed some practice.
Q: Why was the leper hockey game cancelled?
A: There was a face off in the corner.
Mama Mia's pizzeria and abortion clinic. Your loss is our sauce.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
9/11.
9/11 who?
You said that you would never forget!
What type of file does it take to turn a 4 mm hole to a 44 mm hole?
A pedophile.
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.
What do you call it when a Mexican and a pedophile fight?
Alien vs Predator.
Abner’s wife was laying on her death bed. She suddenly used all her strength to sit up and say to her husband, “I must tell you something, or my soul will never know peace. I have been unfaithful to you, Abner. In this very house, not one month ago.”
“Hush, dear,” soothed Abner. “I know all about it. Why else have I poisoned you?”
How is the world like dirt?
Because we don't think twice about it.
Dead people jokes are the best, they're ground breaking.
Why did the chicken ride across town? Because he was being taken to Tyson.
What do women have on an empty stomach? A miscarriage.
You know what the yin and yang looked like before Martin Luther King Jr.?
There was none, it was all white!
Why did the murderer invest in condoms? To kill the future buyers!
What would good be if it was a place?
It would be a desert because it had too many droughts!
A man gets an email from his doctor.
"Sorry for the delay on getting your prescription, it'll be at your house tomorrow."
The man thinks to himself, "Oh shit! Then what have I been taking?"
What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs?
Names.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
A murderer.
A murderer who--
Is cut off by being murdered.
A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing.
A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking!
Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."
I'm starting to wish my grass was emo.
Why?
So it would cut itself.