Morbid jokes
Did Jesus die a virgin?
Of course not! He got nailed before he died.
I'll never forget my mother's last words: "What are you doing with that sledgehammer?"
What do women and airplanes have in common?
A cockpit.
What is the difference between Sir Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed?
Sir Isaac Newton died a virgin.
what do you call a drunken sailer?
arrested.
What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
Wanna hear a funny joke?
My life.
A boy breaks a vase, and his mom says it's ok, honey, mistakes happen. How do you think you were born?
What was the last thing that crossed Princess Diana's mind?
The steering wheel.
When was the only time you could see people base jump without a parachute?
2001/9/11.
Genders are like the twin towers. There used to be two of them, and now it’s a sensitive subject.
Why did Timmy drop his ice cream? He got hit by a bus.
Why does Doctor Pepper come in a bottle?
His wife died.
I like my women like how I like my cocaine, smuggled and cut clean.
What did the pimp order at the Chinese restaurant?
He ordered some cock-bang-ho.
What’s the difference between an alligator and a child?
You can’t abuse an alligator.
I like my woman like I like my coffee: in a big sack on top of a donkey.
My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
Your mama is so fat that she doesn't get crushed by cars, she crushes cars and babies in strollers on the sidewalk when she falls and doesn't see any remains, so there is no evidence.
What do you call a bunch of retarded kids in a swimming pool?
Vegetable soup.