You know you have a domestic abuse problem when you beat your dick.
Morbid Jokes
What's the best part of working at an abortion clinic?
Free dog food.
What is the difference between a washing machine and a child?
The washing machine doesn't cry when you put a load in it.
How do you know when your wife is cheating on you?
She comes home with sparkles on her face.
What's an emo person's least favorite game? Cut The Rope.
What did the pedophile say to the kids?
"FUCK!"
Why are all women's feet small? So they can stand closer to the stove.
A girl walks up to her dad to ask for a dress for prom and he says, "Suck my dick and I'll buy you a dress." She does it and says to him, "Dad, your dick tastes like shit." And he says, "Yeah, your brother wanted a car."
You know those paper families you cut out?
Well, I put one of those in an orphanage.
Imagine if you were an Arabic person shopping at Walmart with your son.
Now imagine he got lost and you had to start calling out his name.
...Now imagine his name is "Allahu Akbar."
I love telling stories as theatrical plays. When we had a free dress day near Christmas, my teacher dressed up as a reindeer, so I got my teacher involved... and shot her.
Officer sees a man and he is seeing he is having trouble walking, so he asked him, "Sir, are you drunk?" The man responds, "No, sir, I'm not drunk." So the officer asks, "How high are you?" And the man responds, "No sir, it's 'Hi, how are you?'"
What's that useless skin around the vagina and the boobies?
The women.
I was having sex with my girl, and she said she likes it rough, so I socked her in the face.
What's the difference between baby Jesus and the baby I keep in my basement?
Baby Jesus died a virgin.
What do you call a gay threesome?
A Sloppy Joe.
My favorite quote will always be, "Sketchy candy is better than no candy."
- One of the thousands of missing children.
Do you know why you should never let a blonde handle grenades?
They'll end up only throwing the pin.
One day a father and a daughter were at a park. The daughter accidentally kills a butterfly. The father says, "Just because you killed the butterfly, you don't get butter for a week."
They were there the next day, and the daughter kills a cockroach. The father laughs and says, "Nice try."
My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa. I asked, "Why is it because he gives people presents?" Jimmy told me, "No, it's because I hear so many good things about him and how he's gonna come home, but never see him."
