Morbid jokes
What's the difference between a pope/preacher and acne?
Acne comes on your face when you're 13.
You wanna know what I want for Christmas? My dad to come back with the milk he said he was gonna get.
Alien vs Predator.
Cosby vs E.T.
Roses are red, the sky is blue, what do you do? Oh, never mind, I'm not homo like you.
What's the difference between my dad and a hooker?
Hookers come back.
What is it called if your mom does not make it to your birth?...
An abortion.
What’s the difference between a baby and a beet?
Beets stain your teeth.
What’s the similarity between a penis and a lollipop?
Kids can take both.
I lost my bag. :(
This year my friends wanted to dress up as crayons for Halloween. They asked me if I wanted to be a tan crayon. I didn’t want to, but I said yes to be nice. I wish I had said no, because now I look like a dick to everyone else.
I like my women like I like my coffee.
Without other people's dicks in it.
Monky.
A man got in a bad car accident. He was at risk of losing his arm. The doctors had to perform complicated surgery on his arm. The man's wife visited after the surgery. The doctor came up to her and said:
"I have good news and bad news."
The wife said: "What's the good news?"
"We managed to save his arm."
"What's the bad news?"
"We couldn't save the rest of him."
When you pull out, but the baby's face turns blue.
A man was forced off the Eiffel Tower, but he flew back up.
The executioners asked, "How'd you do that?"
He said, "I had magic chips. Here, take some."
They eat them, jump off, and die.
He asks for more chips, and the guy says, "You're a real a**hole when you're drunk, Superman!"
A girl and a boy were on a date. The boy kept farting. The girl asked, "What is wrong?!?". The boy replied, "Explosive diarrhea.". The girl said, "Ew".
The boy went to the bathroom, and the place exploded. The center of the explosion, the bathroom.
Today I explain what things are fake: serial killers, clowns, Billy, fairies, your life, God, Jesus, your mom, and all your crappy fan-fictions about being saved from your even crappier life.
I'm also gonna explain real stuff: YouTube, your dad, scientists, teachers, God, Jesus, and Billy.
Stuff on both is real and fake depending on who you are. Your life IS fake. A lot of idiots will read this.
One day I saw my friend in a hospital bed. He told me to call 911. Instead, I called his parents.
Guess how I'm getting laid tonight?
"I'm stronger than you."
Broccoli is like anal sex.
If you're forced to have it as a child, you probably won't like it as an adult.