Money jokes
My money don't jiggle jiggle, it folds.
I want to see you wiggle wiggle, for sure.
H: *walks into bedroom* Why are you packing your bags?
W: I heard in New York women get paid $400 for what I do for you for free.
*Later that day*
W: *walks into the bedroom to see husband packing his bags* What are you doing?
H: I’m going with you. I want to see how you live off of $800 a year.
I donated 100 dollars to a blind children’s charity. Too bad they won’t ever see a dime of it.
Give a man a gun, and he will rob a bank.
Give a man a bank, and he will rob everyone.
How was copper wire invented?
Two Jewish people fighting over a penny.
Homeless person says to a rich person, "I'm homeless."
Rich person: "Then buy a house!"
I will always remember my dad's last words....
"15 dollars and I'll jump."
If I had kept all my two cents to myself, I'd have enough money to publish my own newspaper now.
I gave an emo kid money.
He gave me the great depression.
A guy who just got robbed says, "I've been hacked, and the hacker ransomware!"
Wife is texting husband:
"Honey, if I give you 300 dollars, will you stop being blind?"
Husband: "seilghsielguG"
Wife: "Seriously, David?"
Husband: "fuweyadb"
What did Melania ever see in Donald Trump?
$2 billion and high cholesterol.
Why did the rapper open a bakery?
To make some DOUGH on the side.
Welcome to the roadkill cafe, where yesterday's crash is today's cash.
How to get quick cash:
Step 1: Kill a child's parents.
Step 2: Do foster care for them.
Step 3: Get paid for doing foster care.
If y'all gotta crush on me, tell me now before my dad spends my Valentine's money on crack and alcohol.
I bet a disabled kid on a wheelchair that if he could catch me, I'd give him 1000 dollars. He said deal, and I went upstairs.
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says $30,000.
The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
With numerous reports of Donald Trump's odor and Kelly Clarkson's lack of hygienic habits... proof that money doesn't buy cleanliness.
Roses are red, I have no money, I want to be dominated by a goth mommy.