Money jokes
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I was at a funeral for some kids in a school shooting. I don't understand why everyone was so sad, so I asked a lady, "what's so sad?" and she said "What do you think was running through these kid's heads before they died?" I replied "probably a bullet". She gasped and said "do you have any idea how insensitive that is? What do you think is running through their parent's heads?" I said "probably all the money they're losing from this funeral."
Location is in London by the way.
One day a fatass came home and told his friend that he lost money.
His friend: "Oh for once you lost some pounds!"
Why did the rapper go to the bank?
To withdraw some flow.
What’s the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Three drunk guys entered a taxi.
The taxi driver knew that they were drunk, so he started the engine and turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination." The first guy gave him money, and the second guy said, "Thank you." The third guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked, thinking the third drunk knew what he did. But then he asked, "What was that for?" The third guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"
My mom told me to get a job, so I did.
One day my mom saw me, I had money. My mom asked me where did you get that money? My mom asked me where did you get that money. I said I got a job in the neighborhood. My mom asked me what do you do, so I said when you take showers I secretly open the door, and I let the guys come and see you one by one, and I get paid for it.
My mom said you're growing up so fast, & I said back to my mom that is what the guys say when they see you in the shower.
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
Are you free tomorrow?
No, I’m expensive, sorry. 💵💸
Why can orphans get away with robbing the bank?
Because no one wants him.
Jack and Jill went up the hill, each with a buck and a quarter. Jill came down with $2.50, that fuckin' whore.
So Johnny Depp made an appearance on the MTV Video Music Awards as an astronaut. It really looks like he wants to be the new Elon Musk, whatever career path is most viable for Depp. I got to admit, if launching crystal meth into your nostrils and your anus is as viable as launching rockets to Mars, Johnny Depp would surpass Elon Musk in net worth.
Then again, the money Depp spends on alcohol each month, he could have bought all of Michael Bloomberg's penthouses in Manhattan. Sure sounds like he also shares the same financial advisor as Donald Trump, who thought it was a magnificent idea to launch Trump Airlines and Trump Ice. He already shares the same pro-Kremlin lawyer, by the way.
Why couldn't the kid play on his laptop?
Because he has no arms and no laptop and no legs and no head and no home and no money and got shot.
"Peado van, peado van, stay away, peado van, peado van, take her away."
I can't afford food, I can't afford childcare, might as well just get the money out of her.
A prostitute walks in the bar, and she goes up to the bartender and says, "I just made $100 and 5¢ sucking dick." The bartender says, "Who gave you the 5¢?" The prostitute says, "They all did!"
Why did the Jew get an electric car?
Because he was afraid of the gas.
What do you call a Chinese billionaire? Cha Ching.
I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.
Last night, I fucked a chick named Penny. What are the odds?
The cashier asked if I wanted to give my extra dollar to the poor. I said sure, and I got a Cash App notification for $1.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.