Money jokes
A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes. Eventually, the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive."
What stands on the side of the road and needs a lot of money to buy?
Billboard, did you think I was gonna say street walker?
money + money = MONEY
If you think no one cares about you, stop paying your taxes.
How do you know if a woman that is poor who is between 18-24 years old is poor enough to do anything for money to help pay her bills? She would be working as a lesbian prostitute inside a lesbian hotel in San Francisco, CA.
Dude, if you're at the ATM, wouldn't that mean you're buying your own money?
A homeless man sits in front of a Home Depot. A man walking out of the store hands him some money and asks, "Why are you in front of the Home Depot?" And the man says, "Isn't it obvious? Hoping somebody accidentally drops the house they just bought."
Stephen Hawking has enough money to stand up, but can’t grab the money.
My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore, so I sent him a card, "Get well soon."
No, "quarter quarter."
I charge 50 bucks a suck.
What do you call a gold digger?
A miner.
I just came across a pile of cash in the parking lot.
Usually I just use tissues.
Little Johnny was told by his friend that if you go to your parents and say: "I know the truth," they give you money.
So Little Johnny says to his mum, "I know the truth," so his mum hands him 20 dollars and tells him not to tell anyone. So when Little Johnny’s dad gets home, Little Johnny says, "I know the truth." His dad hands him $50 and says not to tell anyone. So Little Johnny tries it on the postman and says, "I know the truth," and the postman says, "Come here, son."
I will pay someone to kill me.
A: Guess what kind of men/women do gold diggers like?
Q: One that has a sense of money.
The nearest approximation to a perpetuum mobile would be a Swabian chasing a Scot because of money.
(Swabians are the Scots of Germany regarding finances.)
If you are poor, get money.
Why did the rapper open a bakery?
To make some DOUGH on the side.
Give a man a gun, and he will rob a bank.
Give a man a bank, and he will rob everyone.