Money jokes

So a lady was walking down the street with two bags, and one of the bags was leaking $100 bills. A cop pulls up and he says, “Ma’am, ma’am, your bag is leaking hundred dollar bills.” Then she says, “Oh, thank you. I wonder how long that’s been going on.” And the cop says, “Before I help you, may I ask why your bag is leaking $100 bills?” And the lady says, “OK, I’ll tell you. So I live next to a stadium, and I have this beautiful rose garden, but these dumb teenagers always try and pee on the rosebushes. So they stick their junk through the fence, and I grab their junk. I said, ‘$100 dollars or it’s coming off.’” The cop says, “Oh, OK, well what’s the other bag for?” And she says, “Well, not all of them want to give me $100.”

What's the difference between a prostitute and a Democrat? A prostitute will stop screwing you when you run out of money.

"Give me 5 cents and I’ll grant you a wish."

Ok.

"Thank you, what is your wish?"

I wish for my 5 cents back.

Zozo went to the store and walked out with nothing, why?

Zozo the hobo is a hobo, remember? He doesn’t have any money.

One dollar bill is with a five dollar bill. The five says, "I make more cents than you."

I asked a man for ten dollars for a cup of coffee. The man said coffee was only a quarter. I told him I was putting all my begs in one ask-it.

Yo' mama is so stupid, she put a quarter in a parking meter and waited for her gumball.

Why did the football coach go to the bank?

To get his quarterback!

I once went to the bank with some raisins because I wanted to set up a current account.

Lucifer's so broke he can't even afford air conditioning units.

So, there is this button. There's a 50% chance you get a million dollars. There's a 50% chance that you turn into a turtle. Make them press the button, and if they give the money, you just push the orphan over, take their money, and run away because who are they going to tell? Their parents?

What did the orphan poker player say to the elder?

“Will you raise me?”

Your wife dumped you because you are so poor and you are so ugly. You also live under a rock and have no money. You got dumped so hard you can't remember you got dumped.

Teacher: “If you got ten dollars from ten people, what would you have?”

Johnny: “A new bike!”

This is true. Today I was at the mall and there was a guy holding a sign that said, "Need money for strippers and weed."

Boy: Hello, Mom, can I have $50?

Mom: Does it look like I am made of money?

Boy: That's what M.O.M. means, right?

I was walking to the store, and then this boy told me, "I'm an orphan and I have no money." He wanted M\&Ms. I gave him a family-sized bag.

What makes a raccoon 🦝 very rich?

Its rings!

When you're so rich that you can buy anything, you end up getting a cow in your living room. Yeah, anyways, my ex is still in my living room.

What do you call it when a prostitute pays someone 5 bucks to fuck them?

5 dollar footlongs.