Money jokes

If an orphan wins the lottery, what do they have to use all of it on?

Years of child support!

Two priests are in a bar. One says to the other priest, "I'll swap you two fives for a ten."

People are pushing for a new black Lady Liberty coin. I can't wait to use black people as currency again.

If brains were taxed, Slade would get a rebate.

I called my guy friend a cock-sucker the other day. He replied with, "Hey, 20 bucks is 20 bucks."

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

You can keep the tip.

What's the cheapest kind of meat you can buy?

Deer balls. They're under a buck.

I saw a homeless dude and gave him $1.

I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.

Why don't stags buy drugs? Because they are too deer.

A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast."

"I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done."

She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress himself." She agrees.

After half an hour passes, the boyfriend calls the girlfriend and asks, "So what happened?" She responds, "The... bastard.....used.....coins."

Lol, I keep stealing my dad's medication money, and the best part is he never remembers.

What did The Notorious B.I.G. say to the cow?

- MOO MONEY MOO PROBLEMS

Friends, who's your barber? They mess up big time.

Me.

You're just jealous because my dad cuts my hair for free, and you have to be paying 30 dollars just for that short-ass cut.

How does a prostitute make more than a drug dealer?

Because she can clean her crack and sell it again.

Mom: Hey hun, need some money for lunch at school?

Son: No, I got 1k already.

Mom: Wait, what, how?

Son: Mom's wallet is magic.

A panda goes to see a hooker. He goes down on her, he mates with her, he ejaculates and then he attempts to walk away.

The working girl asks, "Aren't you going to pay me?"

She opens the dictionary to "Prostitute: One who sells sexual companionship for money."

The panda picks up the dictionary and turns to the definition "Panda: A marsupial who eats, roots, shoots, and leaves."

Do chiropractors have to pay back taxes?

Only when they file jointly.

Sara opens her lunch and reads the letter inside. "I packed your favorite -love mom," Sara reaches in and announces "yay PB and J!" Tom goes in his lunch and pulls out a letter "go buy yourself something healthy at the cafeteria -Dad," then pulls out 20 bucks and says "nice!" They both look at Craig as he pulls out a letter. Craig reads the letter in his head, it said "WE HAVE YOUR PARENTS, THEY TELL US THEY KEEP THE MONEY UNDER THEIR BED. BRING $10 000 TO THE RANDAVOU POINT OR THEY WILL BE KILLED. YOU DIDN'T TAKE US SERIOUSLY LAST TIME SO THERE IS MORE PROOF IN YOUR LUNCH." Craig throws down the letter and pulls a finger out of his lunch. Tom and Sara look shocked, then Craig says "ugh, severed finger, again!"

Yo mama is so poor, she asked a homeless guy for money.

What's the difference between 63 cents and Princess Diana?

It's easier to scrape up 63 cents.