Money jokes

A kid was asking a mother for money.

Mother: Sorry, I don't have money.

The kid kept asking the mother for money.

Mother: I already told you I don't have money.

The kid (the middle child): I'm your fucking child!

I lost $10,000, so I killed my piggy bank, so I get a real pig and money which my money is fake, but the janitor said it is real, so I killed myself and turned into a real human.

When a person asked to see her balance at a bank, they pushed him over.

"1v1," said Kobe. LeBron James says, "Ok, bet," and bet the money. Bro, ok, let's get it."

Your mum... payed other people to take you!!!!

Roses are red, violets are blue, in the middle of the day, give me money, you!

Penny.

The waiter comes and asks you for the check. Instead I give him a 20 dollar bill and say, "Boy, you can keep it!"

Q. What do you call a rich person who is in a vegetative state?

A. A loaded potato.

I can make a living with the "Treat Yo self" budget.

Yet I can’t use the "Help yo self" budget.

I have a lot of money, but I don't waste it.

So people call me poor until they see my bank account.

What's the similarity between your money and your life?

It just keeps going down.

If I had a dollar for every time a rap hater made an intelligent statement, I’d be more broke than the rap haters.

Young man: "Very good money, and how about the name of the stupid young man again?"

Friend: "Dagobert Duck."

Young man: "Ah, I remember. He was the American useless."

Friend: "Ah, you mean Donald Trump?"

Young man: "Yes, just like that! I know exactly how the guy managed to become president. Hahaha!!!"

What is a tree that does not exist?

A money tree.

Lil Johnny went to school and said, "Teacher, if you let me poop my pants, I will let you have my dad and his money. Will you do it, Mrs. Johnson?"

A Canadian, an American, and a Mexican were tasked by a billionaire with teaching his stubborn pet parrot how to speak within 2 weeks.

They were given everything they needed to succeed, and a large sum of money was offered to the one who made the parrot talk first.

The Canadian played documentaries for the parrot through the whole duration. He spent all his time citing the alphabet and reading stories for the parrot.

The American showered him with the finest food, brought him all the females that he can mate with, and made sure to spoil the parrot as much as he can.

The Mexican locked the parrot in a dark room, barely gave him any food or water, and beat the shit out of him every single day.

When the time was up, the billionaire returned to find the parrot still unable to speak, so he asked the 3 trainers about their progress.

The Canadian goes: "I have tried everything. I spent all my time and energy teaching him the alphabet and reading books to him! Nothing worked."

The American agrees: "I have spoiled him beyond belief, gave him all the luxury he can possibly get, and yet he won't speak!"

The Mexican confirms: "I have showered him with love and luxury as well, tried to teach him words day and night, spent all my time and energy spoiling him with everything I had!"

The parrot looks at the Mexican with disbelief and yells out: "You lying motherfucker!"

My kids [are] so damn bad[.] We took them to Disney in Florida. They paid me not to bring them back ever.

What is not the definition of prostitution?

A dumb blonde that got money for babysitting. Does it cycle now?

To be brutally honest, I think his wife let him die for money, because they could just plug him back in. Surely they have an Android cable about?