Money jokes

Money means nothing to me. Ask me for it, you will get nothing.

If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I'd be broke.

Yo mama's so fat, when she sits on a dollar, four quarters pop out.

There are two types of faces:

The handsome one, but the wallet is ugly.

Then there is this personal face full of bumps, but even they lack a wallet.

My mom told me to make my dad smile, and she will give me $100, so I said, "The Cowboys are gonna win the Super Bowl." He smiled, but my mom didn't give it to me.

Anyways, I forgot about my package coming, and the mailman came, and I said, "I like your hat; teal looks nice on you," and he smiled, and my mom gave me $100.

A guy told a beautiful girl, "Hey, I want to make love to you. If I throw $2000 when you go to pick it up, that's when I'll go. Is that okay?"

She called her husband, and he said, "Okay, but pick it up fast so he doesn't have time to pull his pants down."

Four hours later, she shows up to her house and tells her husband, "THAT FUCKER PAID IN COINS!"

A doctor is at a bar one night and notices a young lady at the counter. He approaches her and says, "Hello there miss, pardon my intrusion, but I was curious to know, if someone were to pay you a million dollars to sleep with them, would you?"

The young lady smiles and says, "That's a lot of money, of course, I would."

The doctor smiles and says, "That's interesting, but what if someone were to pay you 5 dollars to sleep with them, would you?"

The young lady says, "What, are you joking? That's no money at all. Of course, I wouldn't. What do you think I am?"

The Doctor smiles again and says, "We already established what you are, now we're trying to establish a price."

Homeless person says to a rich person, "I'm homeless."

Rich person: "Then buy a house!"

My syndrome may be down, but my money be up 😈.

What's the difference between 63 cents and Princess Diana?

It's easier to scrape up 63 cents.

When I finished high school, I wanted to take my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle, but my mom said no.

See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was eighteen, and I could just have his motorcycle.

Why is Trump always in debt? His university isn't paid off yet!

What does my uncle call a school?

A strip club.

You should never date a prospector. They're all just gold diggers.

If you think no one cares about you, stop paying your taxes.

I had to take my pet octopus to the vet yesterday.

Oh, don't worry, he's okay now.

But the vet charged me six quid.

Bank owner: If you want to start a bank account, I need your name.

Guy: Robin

Bank owner: Your last name?

Guy: Debank

Bank owner: Robin Debank?

Guy: Put your hands up and give me all the money!

When your uncle drops a nickel, but the only thing he really drops is his pants.

Why did the rapper go to the bank?

To make some cash withdrawals.

How are women like swimming pools?

They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.