Money jokes

The Trump cocktail. Take a large glass and fill it with an ounce of everything behind the bar. Top it with whipped cream and a cherry. Now for the hard part: finding a Mexican to pay for it.

I have a lot of money, but I don't waste it.

So people call me poor until they see my bank account.

I know this is a really bad poem, but I'll do it anyway 'cause I have nothing else to do.

'Twas so pretty a night, with people all asleep. Everyone's dreaming of that candy apple treat, and a palace. But alas! No, it's all a dream. Even eating ice cream, it's all a dream! Why can't I have this? Why can't I have that? BUT NO! It's just hitting you like a bat. YOU JUST HAVE TO HAVE IT, you say to yourself. All for me, all for me, and et cetera. It goes on and on. But why wish for riches? You're already rich enough. If you have a device, then take my advise, if you were poor you would have spent the money on food, like honey, not something that... OF ALL THINGS IS GOOGLE!

Like I said, it's really bad. :(

I gave an orphan 5 dollars and I said, "Spend it on a candy bar." I came back 5 minutes later and he didn't have a candy bar. So I look over and I see that he has a piggy bank that has 40 dollars and I said, "Where did you get that?" He said, "For being homeless," and I said, "What are you going to spend it on?" He looked at me and said, "I'm going to pay money for a mother."

What is the difference between giving money to a prostitute and giving money to a church? You don't get something in return if you give money to a church.

Yo mama so fat that when she bought food, she ran out of money.

DEPRESSION SPEEDRUN starter-kit:

* Parental issues * Money problems * Genetic likeliness * Horrible friends * Annoying neighbors/classmates * School * Being alive * Actually being a good person for once * Giving a f#ck * War-ridden area * All future options kinda suck

Why did the football player go to the bank?

To get his quarter back.

What's the difference between a prostitute and a Democrat? A prostitute will stop screwing you when you run out of money.

How do you get a fat kid to lose weight?

You pay the ice cream man to keep on driving. IDK.

I held on to my money stronger than an orphan holds on to a teddy bear on Father's Day.

I asked the gym trainer what type of machine I should use to get the best looking women.

He said the ATM outside.

When your uncle drops a nickel, but the only thing he really drops is his pants.

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.

Last night, I fucked a chick named Penny. What are the odds?

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

"Don't worry, you can keep the tip."

What did the football coach say when he went to the bank?

-"I want my quarterback."

Family all eating at the table.

Brother: "Hmm, I think I feel gold."

Sister: "Stop the cap."

Brother looks under the table and says, "Nope, just a gold digger."

Dad laughed.

Stepmom storms out of the room.

What makes a raccoon 🦝 very rich?

Its rings!

They call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me poor and ugly.

Being a man that is poor really isn't that bad as long as you are involved in the world's oldest profession and you are well-endowed and you are not homophobic and as long as you can suck the chrome off a tailpipe then you have nothing to worry about if you are desperate enough to pay your bills.

Lack of money is the root of all evil. 😊