If you give a prostitute money, you will go to jail, but if you give a prostitute a Klondike bar, you will not go to jail. I would rather go to the casino and get more money for my buck.
Money Jokes
I saw Stephen Hawking using an ATM. It is nice to see he had found someone before he shut down.
I gave an orphan 5 dollars and I said, "Spend it on a candy bar." I came back 5 minutes later and he didn't have a candy bar. So I look over and I see that he has a piggy bank that has 40 dollars and I said, "Where did you get that?" He said, "For being homeless," and I said, "What are you going to spend it on?" He looked at me and said, "I'm going to pay money for a mother."
Rape is so outdated, but when you pay them money, it is a popular date!
So Johnny Depp made an appearance on the MTV Video Music Awards as an astronaut. It really looks like he wants to be the new Elon Musk, whatever career path is most viable for Depp. I got to admit, if launching crystal meth into your nostrils and your anus is as viable as launching rockets to Mars, Johnny Depp would surpass Elon Musk in net worth.
Then again, the money Depp spends on alcohol each month, he could have bought all of Michael Bloomberg's penthouses in Manhattan. Sure sounds like he also shares the same financial advisor as Donald Trump, who thought it was a magnificent idea to launch Trump Airlines and Trump Ice. He already shares the same pro-Kremlin lawyer, by the way.
A blind old guy asked me if I had any money to spare. I laughed and said I had a gold tooth.
I don't have any now.
A big hefty porker left his balls exposed and said,
"Misses!! Come here and step upon mine balls, please!!! I pay top dollar for this extreme delight!"
She pippity popped his balls like there was no tomorrow.
And he said "yuh yuh ay ay crush these nuts nuts!"
A man with 20 dollars walked into Dave & Buster's. He went to the bathroom to wash his hands. He walked out without any clothes but still has his money.
Why don't stags buy drugs? Because they are too deer.
My wife got mad at me because I took our life savings and brought golden retrievers.
Like, bitch, we can get gold because of these golden retrievers.
My money don't jiggle jiggle, it folds.
I want to see you wiggle wiggle, for sure.
What does Stephen Hawking and a prostitute have in common?
They both charge.
Friends, who's your barber? They mess up big time.
Me.
You're just jealous because my dad cuts my hair for free, and you have to be paying 30 dollars just for that short-ass cut.
My wife called me ugly, and then when she found out how much money I actually make, she called me ugly and broke.
"BlessedBrian must be a bank loan... because he has NO INTEREST."
What did the rapper say to the ATM?
"Show me the money, or I'll drop a BEAT!"
Why did the rapper open a bakery?
To make some DOUGH on the side.
Why did the rapper become a mathematician?
To count his STACKS of CASH.
Would you steal 20 dollars from a stupid 6 year old kid with Down syndrome who can't talk and make ah ah ah noises, or get one dollar for saying the N word?
Why did the rapper go broke?
He kept dropping dimes.
