Money jokes

I try and try every day, but 5 keep coming out. There's so money at this point my walls are built of babies.

I got fired from my job at the bank today.

An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I got $1,000,000 for my brother. Best trade I ever made!

If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I’d be broke.

Family all eating at the table.

Brother: "Hmm, I think I feel gold."

Sister: "Stop the cap."

Brother looks under the table and says, "Nope, just a gold digger."

Dad laughed.

Stepmom storms out of the room.

Your mamma is so fat that she saved me a lot of money by sitting in my car when I wanted to buy a low rider.

There is a similarity between my wallet and an onion.

They always make me cry.

What chicken crossed the road? The donkey of the moneys.

What do you get when you cross a rapper with an accountant?

A money manager who counts bars.

Yo mama is so dumb, she spent all her money on free subscriptions!

Why did the rapper go to the bank?

To make some cash withdrawals.

How are women like swimming pools?

They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.

Son asks dad, "How much does marriage cost?"

Dad: "I don’t know, son. I’m still paying for it."

I saw a homeless dude and gave him $1.

I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.

If I had kept all my two cents to myself, I'd have enough money to publish my own newspaper now.

Why did Al Qaeda lose $100 on a bet?

They bet $100 that they wouldn't crash when they went through the Twin Towers.

Do chiropractors have to pay back taxes?

Only when they file jointly.

What's the difference between a prostitute and a Democrat? A prostitute will stop screwing you when you run out of money.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are robbing a bank. The police are soon after them, so they hide in a bunch of barrels.

The police arrive and search the area. They come over to the barrel where the brunette is hiding and kicks it. The brunette says, "Woof."

"Oh, it's just a dog," says the police officer, and then kicks the second barrel where the redhead is hidden. The redhead says, "Meow."

"Oh, it's just a cat," says the officer, then kicks the last barrel where the blonde is hidden. The blonde says, "Potato."

Me: *gives her 5 dollars* Climb that flag pole. Cute female: *takes the money and goes up the flag pole* Is this good? Me: Hell yeah, that's a nice view.

*Next day* Here's 10 dollars if you do it again. *She goes up there* Me: How's the view? *She goes home and her mom sees the money* Her mom: Where you getting this money? Her daughter: I climbed a flagpole. Her mom: You know he just wants you to see your panties, right? *She goes back and does it again but doesn't wear panties* Me: Holy shit ;-; Her mom: Did you do it again? Her daughter: Don't worry, Mom, he didn't get to see my panties. Her mom:...