Money jokes

money + money = MONEY

When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 and 976 numbers, he doesn't get charged. He holds up the phone, and money falls out.

I try and try every day, but 5 keep coming out. There's so money at this point my walls are built of babies.

I got fired from my job at the bank today.

An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I got $1,000,000 for my brother. Best trade I ever made!

If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I’d be broke.

Family all eating at the table.

Brother: "Hmm, I think I feel gold."

Sister: "Stop the cap."

Brother looks under the table and says, "Nope, just a gold digger."

Dad laughed.

Stepmom storms out of the room.

Your mamma is so fat that she saved me a lot of money by sitting in my car when I wanted to buy a low rider.

There is a similarity between my wallet and an onion.

They always make me cry.

What chicken crossed the road? The donkey of the moneys.

What do you get when you cross a rapper with an accountant?

A money manager who counts bars.

Yo mama is so dumb, she spent all her money on free subscriptions!

Why did the rapper go to the bank?

To make some cash withdrawals.

How are women like swimming pools?

They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.

Son asks dad, "How much does marriage cost?"

Dad: "I don’t know, son. I’m still paying for it."

I saw a homeless dude and gave him $1.

I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.

If I had kept all my two cents to myself, I'd have enough money to publish my own newspaper now.

Why did Al Qaeda lose $100 on a bet?

They bet $100 that they wouldn't crash when they went through the Twin Towers.

Do chiropractors have to pay back taxes?

Only when they file jointly.

What's the difference between a prostitute and a Democrat? A prostitute will stop screwing you when you run out of money.