My Dad keeps beating me and my mom. Please call the police. My name is Jacob Upchurch.
Dad: Uh, yeah!
Son: Mom, Dad, what are you doing!
Parents: Sex!
Son: What?
Parents: Look, you can spectate!
I was hitting my hand, and my mom asked me what I was doing. I said I'm beating my meat.
I was born on the moon.
Yeah, my mom was high, and my dad was down to earth.
So, one day I walk up to my sister and tell her that she is adopted because she doesn't look like anyone in the family. She starts to cry. My mom asks why she's crying, and I say I told her she was adopted and I was there for the adoption, and we have papers. It was all a lie. She is not adopted, and everything is fine.
The Man: "Sonny, why do you come to get some milk every day?"
The Son: "Because milk is important."
The Man: "Why don't you ever come with your mom?"
The Boy: "Who?"
The Man: "Your mom?"
The Boy: "I don't have a mom."
The Man: "I'm sorry for your loss."
The boy stared for a moment when two men came out of the vehicle and picked up the boy.
Ur mom is so fat that she has her own gravitational field. She attracts everything around her, from planets to asteroids to comets. She is the center of the solar system, and the sun is just one of her many satellites. She is so massive that she bends space and time, creating wormholes and black holes. She is the ultimate cosmic phenomenon, and no one can escape her pull.
Ur mom is so old that she witnessed the Big Bang. She was there when the universe was born, and she has seen it all. She knows the secrets of the cosmos, and she has lived through every epoch and era. She has watched stars form and die, galaxies collide and merge, and civilizations rise and fall. She is the oldest living being in existence, and she has more wisdom than anyone can imagine.
Ur mom is so ugly that she scares away aliens. She is the reason why we have never made contact with extraterrestrial life. They have seen her face and they have fled in terror. They have warned their fellow species to avoid Earth at all costs, because it is inhabited by a monstrous creature that defies all logic and beauty. She is the ultimate deterrent for invasion, and she has saved humanity from countless alien invasions.
I like to eat mom's spaghetti. Now try it with the NEWWWW VEGETTIIII, turn any vegetable into pasta!
Mom, Mom, I'm holding my little brother's hand.
Little Johnny, good! But he's not "bien" yet.
What did Eminem do when he couldn't get some of his mom's spaghetti?
Well, he didn't make it back to recovery this time...
What did your mom get for Christmas?
A big black horse dildo.
Why were you born?
Because I asked out your mom on accident.
Your mom gay.
There are 5 cows in a field. One of them is the mom, the rest are kids. One of the kids walked up to the mom and asked, "Why am I named Daisy?" and then a daisy fell on her head.
The second cow came up to the mom and asked, "Why am I named Rose?" and then a rose fell on her head. Then the 3rd cow said, "Why am I named Violet?" then a violet fell on her head. Then the 4th cow walked up and said, "Merrrbere." Then the mom said, "Shutup, cinder block!"
What am I doing?
Your mom.
A girl asked her mom, "Why is my name Walmart?"
Her dad replied and said, "Because that’s where you were made."
Your mom is so fat that she only knows three letters, which are "KFC."
Dad fucked Mom.
Mom fucked son.
Son fucked sister.
Sister fucked dog.
Dog fucked cat.
Cat fucked bird.
Bird fucked fish.
Fish fucked Dad.
Dad really liked it!
What do you call a duck that is addicted to drugs?
A quack head!
My mom must be a duck then...
Your mom is gay, just like your dad.
