New Mom Jokes

My mom came to me and shouted, "Nobody is giving me a fuck." So I went forward and fucked her!

Boys: “Hey, can Billy come out and play baseball?”

Mom: “That would be fine, but he hasn’t come out of his room since Friday.”

Boys: “Have you checked the closet?”

My mom told me yesterday that in this Valentine, we should take our love to new heights. So tomorrow I'm prepared to fuck her in "The Hot Seat" position.

Roses are red. Sunflowers are yellow.

Your mom is so fat she looks like a marshmallow.

My principal called my mom at school and said, "You should teach your son well." After coming back home, at first she taught me sex!

Little Sally comes home from school one day and says to her mom, "Mommy, mommy, you won’t believe it! Little Johnny just pulled out his PP in class." The mother responded, "Well, what did it look like?" Sally said, "It looks like a peanut." The mother said, "Oh, it was small." "No, it was salty," said Sally.

Hannes asks his mother, "Mom, why are the peanuts called peanuts?" Mom replies, "Because they grow in the earth." Hannes replies, "Then why don't strawberries grow in the earth?" Mom replies: "The giraffes originally had a short neck, but it has grown from giraffe to giraffe. The same thing happened with the strawberries. They grew in the earth and grew higher from harvest to harvest until at some point their stems protruded from the earth." Hannes replies, "Then why is my neck so short?" The mother replies: "So many people died in the First and Second World Wars that our necks could not develop at all. It was the same in the Thirty Years' War. We humans have been in so many wars. The giraffes in none and that's why our neck is so short."

If a deaf kid swears in sign language, does his mom wash his hands with soap?

My mom told me that my friend Paul is coming over, and he is going to sleep over, so I was happy.

The next day, I ask my mom, "Where's the dog?" My mom asks me, "What dog?"

Then I said to my mom, "I heard Paul say, 'Do you want it doggy?' and you said 'Yeah.'"

My sister said to roast her, but my mom said I'm not allowed to burn trash.

LLB- me and Shrek built a theme park for you mummy and it’s called Dummy pee pee poo poo doo doo land cos Shrek likes to poop

Shrek- should I pull the trap

*LBB’s mom walks into the trap*

LBB and Shrek- surprise we’re mailing you to Peepoo Peepoo AB

LBB- why did Santa take the kitty and all of my toys Mummy

His mom- Maybe because your the second most massive shit stain besides Caillou

*Krampus comes down the chimney to eat LBB*

Krampus- should’ve been better Little Bear

LLB -help Mummy he’s the Scratchy monster

Shrek- just kidding it’s not Krampus but indeeds Me and Black Donkey instead, and were going to poop on your floor

Duggie- hopefully Marvins doesn’t see us and by the way want some purplish koolaid

Roses are red. Violets are blue. Sugar is sweet. And your mom is, too.

Roses are red, flowers are pretty, I heard your mom has a nice pair of titties.

What did the cow say to the leather chair?

“Hi Mom!”

Violets are blue, roses are red.

Last night your mom was giving me head.

I told my mom, "Do you want to see a magic trick?" She said yes. I said, "You are going to have a hot dog and cream pie together." My mom said, "No, I'm not," but I told my mom, "I'm going to need your assistance." First, I need you to lick and suck on my hot dog that is attached to me, which she did. The next minute my mom has a cream pie over her face. Then I told my mom, "You see, you are going to have a hot dog and cream pie together." Then my mom said, "When you are right, you are right."