Mom jokes
My mom loved taking pics of me when I was a child. Thanks to that, people really believe my fake smiles! :3
Your mom is so fat that she cannot look at her feet when taking a shower.
When you end up pregnant...
Mom told me if a boy touched my breast I should say "DON'T," and if he touched me down there I should say "STOP." But Dad, he touched me both places at once so I said, "DON'T STOP! DON'T STOP!" π
A few male neighbors came over to the house to take a shower because, for some reason, their house didn't have water.
A few minutes later, I walk into the shower. I see the male neighbors and Mom taking a shower together. Then I said, "What are you doing?" They all say, "We're taking a shower together so we could save water."
Your mom gay.
Santa said my mom was good... But she is on the naughty list.
So there were three baby chickens and two mothers. The first baby said, "Why am I named Calf?"
And the mother said, "I f***ed a cow."
Then the second baby came up to its mother, and it said, "Why am I named B***h?"
And its mom said, "I f***ed a wolf."
And the final baby came to its mother and said, "Why am I named Orphan?" And because its mother wasn't there to see it, this is what I have to say: "Because you are one, you ducking hitch!!"
It was raining sadly all day. My wife, my two daughters, and me were stuck in the house when wifeβs mom and dad just died.
Wife: πππI wish this never happened.
Mia, our first daughter: Mommy, itβs ok. I love whenever I see youπ₯°π₯°
Abby, our second daughter: I love you all. Only if you guys die I wonβt, but I love you when you're alive ππ
Me, husband: What kind of nonsense was that? You love us when weβre alive, but you donβt love us when weβre deadπ€₯π₯π
Everyone except Abby: Abby, this is serious. Mommyβs mother and father died. Mia says: Yes, your mom is sadly down right now, you made her more sadπ‘π€¬. Dad says: *sniffs* Abby, I had made a discussion. I will take you to an orphanage. I am sorry π£ when I am better and happy and I forgot what you said then weβll get you back. Mom says:
This was not a joke. I just did this for Love π
My new stepfather told me that I'm his new son, so I said okay.
My stepfather said that my and your mom have a few things in common. I said, "Yeah, like what?" My stepfather said, "Well, you came out of your mother's pussy; I eat your mother's pussy. You used to suck on your mother's tits; now I suck on your mother's tits. Your mother used to smack you in the ass when you act up; now I smack your mom in the ass now. Your mother calls me daddy; now I am your new daddy."
The coach of the Detroit Lions had put together the perfect football team. But then his quarterback got blindsided and was out for the season with a knee injury.
Then his backup went down with a concussion. He tried the trading route, free agents, but nobody any good was available.
One evening while watching the news from Iraq, he saw a young Iraqi soldier with an amazing arm. The soldier rifled a grenade on a perfect arc into a 4th story window from 100 yards, bam!
He tossed another directly into a tight group of 12 enemy fighters 80 yards away, ka-bam! Then a humvee passed, going 60 kph, boom! Another perfect shot!
Coach said to himself, "I got to have this guy. He's got the best arm I've ever seen!"
He tracks him down and convinces him to come to Detroit. The kid takes coaching perfectly, makes all the plays, and long story short, the Lions win the Super Bowl.
The Iraqi is now the Conquering Hero in pro football, and a huge story. But when the broadcast team tries to interview him, all he wants is to phone his mom.
"Mother," he yells over the phone, "We just won the Super Bowl!"
"Don't talk to me," the woman says. "You abandoned us. You can't be my son."
The young Iraqi begs, "Mom, you don't understand! Our team won the biggest game here in the U.S. Thousands of fans are screaming for me. The U.S. President is going to call me!"
"I don't care," his mother snaps. "Right now I can hear gunshots everywhere. Our block is like a ruin. Your brothers were beaten half to death last night, and your sister was nearly raped."
Then she says, "I can never forgive you for making us move to Detroit."
What did your mom get for Christmas?
A big black horse dildo.
Your mom so ugly that Paul Walker died.
My mom was poor, so we had nothing to eat. I slept on the floor, but now I'm rich, rich, rich π
Your mom is ugly.
A son asked his mom: "Why are the lines in the LGBTQ community flag straight?"
Your Mom tells you to take out the trash, and the next day the Police are asking if you bombed the School.
So my mom said, "Did you do your homework?" Well, I say yes, and in the hour, I yelled, "This is fake, not real!" π π π
If life was like Pacific Rim, I'd say your mom's pussy was a category 5.
Me and my mom order Chinese food.
My mom grabs the egg roll and starts licking it up and down and sucking on it in front of the Chinese delivery guy. I said, "Why are you doing that?" Then my mom says, "I love him a long time so we don't have to pay for the food."
I'm going to your mom's house. Can you help me, planet?