Metaphor jokes

Your mom gave me a three course meal last night:

Starters - Foreplay

Main course - Reverse Cowgirl

Dessert - Blowy

Won't forget the side drink of an individual on individual bukkake.

How are my sister‘s legs and peanut butter alike?\n\nThey’re both smooth and easy to spread.

When a woman says, "I need to be treated like a delicate flower," don't cut the wrong cord on the bomb.

Life is like a penis. It is short.

Say this to your significant other (or your weird friends!)

Are you an unsafe staircase? 'Cause you look like you could use a railing.

This is not really a joke, but it's a question.

If life is a movie, then is death life? Is we seeing the trailer right now?

What do people have a shot at when it comes to love? Shooting them in the heart.

Life is like a game of chess.

I don’t know how to play chess.

My neighbor's daughter gave me a three-course meal last night:

Starters - role play and stripping.

Main course - Reverse Cowgirl.

Dessert - Blowy.

Why can't Stephen Hawking win any arguments?

Because he can't stand up for himself.

Quote of the day:

A bad attitude is like a flat tire. You can't go anywhere until you change it.

Chao!!!

If I were an object in this world, I'd be a glass! Because if you leave me when I'm too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.

If I was a pizza topping, I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.

I'm a star! Because one of these days, I'm going to crash and burn...

If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die, I'd be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.

I'm like the sun; I'm painful to look at.

If I was a food, I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.

I'm like an eggshell... broken and empty.

If I was a mythical creature, I'd be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.

I'm like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.

My soul is a raisin because it's dried up, shriveled, and not everyone likes it.

I'm like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.

I'm like the moon because as the month progresses, my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.

I'm like an extremely powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.

I'm like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.

I'm like a shitty book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.

My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can't afford to go through with the divorce, and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape, but the more they try, the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety.

Help me....

What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.

Children are like pills.

The smaller they are, the easier they are to take.

Why did the pencil want to kill himself?

He had no point in life.

Why did the scarecrow get an award? He was outstanding in his field. Okay, I'll admit it's corny.

I'm not saying you're annoying.

But if a yeast infection were a person, it would be you.

What do you call a riot full of white people?

An avalanche.

Life is like a box of chocolates, they f*cking melt :)

Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end, the faster it goes, and everyone is trying to shit on ya.