Metaphor jokes

Life is like a penis. It is short.

Johnny is very attached to his parents. He asks to take a shower with her when she gets in. He looks down and asks, "What's that?" The mother replies, "That's my garage." He looks up and asks, "What are those?" The mother responds, "Those are my headlights."

He then goes and takes a shower with his dad. He looks down, "Daddy, what's that?" The dad replies, "That's my car." He goes to sleep that night and wakes up because of a bad dream. He goes and tells his mother and she says, "You can lay with me." He falls fast asleep then wakes up once more because of falling off the bed. He gets back up and gets under the covers. Then he feels the bed moving. He looks under the covers to investigate and sees them going at it. He then yells, "Mommy, turn on you're headlights, Daddy's parking his car in you're garage!" *THUD*

What fell down the tree first, the emo or the apple?

Guess what? The apple, because the emo got left hanging.

Why did the pencil want to kill himself?

He had no point in life.

I've never worn my gay sweater, it hasn't come out of the closet yet.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families, and careers.

Life is like a box of chocolates, they f*cking melt :)

What is the speed limit for sex? 68, because if you go any faster, you’ll have to turn around.

Little Johnny's sister, Suzy, sees her mom in the shower and asks, "What is that between your legs?" Her mom responds, "That is my garage." The next day, Suzy sees her dad in the shower and says, "What is that between your legs?" Her dad answers, "It is a motorcycle that gets parked in mommy's garage." The next day, Suzy came to dinner with blood all over her hands. Her mom asks, "Why is there blood all over your hands, Suzy?" Suzy says, "Well... little Johnny tried to put his motorcycle in my garage, so I ripped its wheels off."

Would love to pound Sterling with a 14 lb hammer.

Say this to your significant other (or your weird friends!)

Are you an unsafe staircase? 'Cause you look like you could use a railing.

Q: Why do depressed people always have colored hair?

A: That’s as close as they can get to dye.

If I was an object in this world, I’d be a glass! Because if you leave me when I’m too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.

Life is like a penis, women make it hard.

Harder than a diamond in an ice storm.

Why did the scarecrow get an award? He was outstanding in his field. Okay, I'll admit it's corny.

My mom is the jelly, and my dad is the peanut butter. And I am the bread, the only thing keeping them together.

"I had raped the game young, you can call it statutory." - Kanye West in 2009 (Forever with Drake, Eminem, and Lil Wayne)

How do poets say hello?

Hey, haven’t we metaphor?

Your mom gave me a three course meal last night:

Starters - Foreplay

Main course - Reverse Cowgirl

Dessert - Blowy

Won't forget the side drink of an individual on individual bukkake.