Metaphor jokes

What's the difference between a maze and a depressed life? One of them you can find a way out of.

Marriage is like a deck of cards.

In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond.

By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.

I'm like a broken refrigerator, cool but broken inside.

My future is so bright, I need a flashlight to see where I'm going.

I'm a fast reader, I can go through 20 stories in a few seconds.

I've never worn my gay sweater, it hasn't come out of the closet yet.

I don't get why cancer is so hard to beat. I'm already on stage 4.

Life is like a dick, it just gets hard for no reason.

What is the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair.

My mom is the jelly, and my dad is the peanut butter. And I am the bread, the only thing keeping them together.

My life is like a broken pencil, it's pointless.

If I wanted to commit suicide, I would climb up to your ego, and then jump down to your IQ.

My pencil sharpener when I bleed:

And I don't really care how bad it hurts. Cause you broke me first.

My kids found me in the family tree. I was hanging there for hours.

Q: Why do depressed people always have colored hair?

A: That’s as close as they can get to dye.

Why can't you kill a depressed person?

Because they are already dead inside.

Life is like a penis. Long, free, flowing, and soft, until a woman comes and makes it hard. 😉

I used to have a fear of hurdles.

But I got over it.

Life is like a penis, women make it hard.

Q: How do you make a 9/11 cocktail?

A: Light two Manhattans on fire and then knock them over.