What's the difference between a maze and a depressed life? One of them you can find a way out of.
Marriage is like a deck of cards.
In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond.
By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.
I'm like a broken refrigerator, cool but broken inside.
My future is so bright, I need a flashlight to see where I'm going.
I'm a fast reader, I can go through 20 stories in a few seconds.
I've never worn my gay sweater, it hasn't come out of the closet yet.
I don't get why cancer is so hard to beat. I'm already on stage 4.
Life is like a dick, it just gets hard for no reason.
What is the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
The wheelchair.
My mom is the jelly, and my dad is the peanut butter. And I am the bread, the only thing keeping them together.
My life is like a broken pencil, it's pointless.
If I wanted to commit suicide, I would climb up to your ego, and then jump down to your IQ.
My pencil sharpener when I bleed:
And I don't really care how bad it hurts. Cause you broke me first.
My kids found me in the family tree. I was hanging there for hours.
Q: Why do depressed people always have colored hair?
A: That’s as close as they can get to dye.
Why can't you kill a depressed person?
Because they are already dead inside.
Life is like a penis. Long, free, flowing, and soft, until a woman comes and makes it hard. 😉
I used to have a fear of hurdles.
But I got over it.
Q: How do you make a 9/11 cocktail?
A: Light two Manhattans on fire and then knock them over.
What fell down the tree first, the emo or the apple?
Guess what? The apple, because the emo got left hanging.
