Metaphor jokes
Harder than a diamond in an ice storm.
Why did the scarecrow get an award? He was outstanding in his field. Okay, I'll admit it's corny.
Say this to your significant other (or your weird friends!)
Are you an unsafe staircase? 'Cause you look like you could use a railing.
Life is like a penis. It is short.
Your mom gave me a three course meal last night:
Starters - Foreplay
Main course - Reverse Cowgirl
Dessert - Blowy
Won't forget the side drink of an individual on individual bukkake.
Oh my gods they’re watching us oh my god
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families, and careers.
If I was an object in this world, I’d be a glass! Because if you leave me when I’m too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.
When a woman says, "I need to be treated like a delicate flower," don't cut the wrong cord on the bomb.
When I hit a home run, I finally felt what it was like to have a home.
What does a sex offender and Santa have in common?
They will come down your "chimney" tonight.
Life is like a game of chess.
I don’t know how to play chess.
Alabama gene pools are so shallow, when they freeze over, it's just snow.
What fell down the tree first, the emo or the apple?
Guess what? The apple, because the emo got left hanging.
Q: Why do depressed people always have colored hair?
A: That’s as close as they can get to dye.
Q: How do you make a 9/11 cocktail? A: Light two Manhattans on fire and then knock them over.
How do poets say hello?
Hey, haven’t we metaphor?
I'm always hanging in there.
Hanging on the wall.
Little Johnny's sister, Suzy, sees her mom in the shower and asks, "What is that between your legs?" Her mom responds, "That is my garage." The next day, Suzy sees her dad in the shower and says, "What is that between your legs?" Her dad answers, "It is a motorcycle that gets parked in mommy's garage." The next day, Suzy came to dinner with blood all over her hands. Her mom asks, "Why is there blood all over your hands, Suzy?" Suzy says, "Well... little Johnny tried to put his motorcycle in my garage, so I ripped its wheels off."
How are my sister‘s legs and peanut butter alike?\n\nThey’re both smooth and easy to spread.
Why do ghosts love elevators? They lift their spirits!