Metaphor jokes
Your mom gave me a three course meal last night:
Starters - Foreplay
Main course - Reverse Cowgirl
Dessert - Blowy
Won't forget the side drink of an individual on individual bukkake.
Quote of the day:
A bad attitude is like a flat tire. You can't go anywhere until you change it.
Chao!!!
A mom and her son are taking a walk when they pass a homeless man fapping. The boy asks, "What is that man doing?" The mom says, "Making pizza," trying to turn him away.
The son sees a dog fucking another dog and he asks the same thing. She says, "Making extra cheese." When they pass a window and see a couple doing it, he asks the same thing. She says, "Ordering the pizza."
Later that day, the mother says to the father, "I think I want to order some pizza with extra cheese tonight, don't know why that sounds good."
So that night, the husband who was watching tv yelled up the stairs, "Wanna order some pizza!?"
The mother replied, "DON'T WORRY I'M MAKING SOME!"
The son's voice followed, "I'M ADDING EXTRA CHEESE!"
What does a sex offender and Santa have in common?
They will come down your "chimney" tonight.
When I hit a home run, I finally felt what it was like to have a home.
Johnny is very attached to his parents. He asks to take a shower with her when she gets in. He looks down and asks, "What's that?" The mother replies, "That's my garage." He looks up and asks, "What are those?" The mother responds, "Those are my headlights."
He then goes and takes a shower with his dad. He looks down, "Daddy, what's that?" The dad replies, "That's my car." He goes to sleep that night and wakes up because of a bad dream. He goes and tells his mother and she says, "You can lay with me." He falls fast asleep then wakes up once more because of falling off the bed. He gets back up and gets under the covers. Then he feels the bed moving. He looks under the covers to investigate and sees them going at it. He then yells, "Mommy, turn on you're headlights, Daddy's parking his car in you're garage!" *THUD*
Alabama gene pools are so shallow, when they freeze over, it's just snow.
Life is like a game of chess.
I don’t know how to play chess.
I've never worn my gay sweater, it hasn't come out of the closet yet.
What does a depressed person and a jacket have in common?
They’re both hanging in the closet.
My mom is the jelly, and my dad is the peanut butter. And I am the bread, the only thing keeping them together.
A blind man once told me he smokes a lot because he has nothing to look forward to. Well, let's just say that I see his point.
Why did the girl study in the tree? She wanted a higher education.
Life is like a penis. Long, free, flowing, and soft, until a woman comes and makes it hard. 😉
My life is like a broken pencil, it's pointless.
(Best pick-up line ever). Your body is like 9/11. I wanna crash into your twin towers. 😏
What's the difference between a maze and a depressed life? One of them you can find a way out of.
My kids found me in the family tree. I was hanging there for hours.
Q: How do you make a 9/11 cocktail? A: Light two Manhattans on fire and then knock them over.
My future is so bright, I need a flashlight to see where I'm going.