ME jokes

My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa. I asked, "Why is it because he gives people presents?" Jimmy told me, "No, it's because I hear so many good things about him and how he's gonna come home, but never see him."

Orphan boy: "Your dad is probably disappointed in you. I mean, look at you."

Me: "Well, at least my parents kept me. Where are yours?"

What is a similarity between a pregnant 14-year-old and the fetus inside of her?

They both are thinking, "Shit! Mom is gonna kill me!"

Hate when my phone dies instead of me :))

Does anyone still look at this? If you do, tell me if I should make more jokes :)

Me: Hey dad, I'm in debt, my dick got cut off, I have depression, and I am suicidal!

Dad: Hi in debt, my dick got cut off, I have depression, and I am suicidal! I'm dad!

I bought a wooden whistle. But it wouldn't whistle, so I bought a steel whistle. But it still wouldn't whistle. So I bought a lead whistle, but it still wouldn't lead me to whistle.

1. What was the skeleton doing at the hockey game?

Driving the zam-bony.

2. Why are skeletons so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

3. Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance?

Because he had nobody to dance with.

4. What do you call a skeleton with no friends?

Bonely.

5. What’s a skeleton’s favorite plant?

A bone-zai.

6. Why can’t skeletons play church music?

Because they have no organs.

7. What do you call a skeleton who goes out in the snow?

A numb-skull.

8. Why didn’t the skeleton laugh at the joke?

Because he didn’t have a funny bone.

9. What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?

Spare ribs.

10. How do French skeletons say hello?

“Bone-jour!”

11. What do you call a skeleton who rings the doorbell?

A dead ringer.

12. Who won the skeleton beauty contest?

No body.

13. What did one skeleton say to the other skeleton?

“You’re dead to me.”

14. Why didn’t the skeleton play football?

His heart wasn’t in it.

15. Why did the skeleton go to jail?

Because he was bad to the bone.

16. Why did the skeleton start a fight?

Because he had a bone to pick.

17. What did the skeleton say to his girlfriend?

“Will you marrow me?”

18. When does a skeleton laugh?

When someone tickles his funny bone.

19. What do you call a skeleton who goes to school but doesn’t do any work?

Lazy bones.

20. Why do skeletons hate the cold?

It sends chills up their spine.

21. What do you call a skeleton snake?

A rattler.

22. How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?

He could feel it in his bones.

23. Did you hear about the skeleton who dropped out of medical school?

He didn’t have the stomach for it.

24. What happened to the skeleton who sat by the fire too long?

He became bone dry.

25. What kind of TV does a skeleton watch?

A skelevision.

26. What happened to the pirate ship that sank in a sea full of sharks?

It came back with a skeleton crew.

27. What kind of dishes do skeletons serve tea on?

Bone china.

28. What is a skeleton’s favorite mode of transport?

A scare-plane.

29. What does a skeleton fly in if his scare-plane isn’t available?

A skele-copter.

30. What do skeletons say when they set off to sea?

“Bone voyage!”

31. What type of candy sent the skeleton to the hospital?

Jawbreakers.

32. What do skeletons hate the most about the wind?

Nothing. It goes right through them.

33. Why didn’t the skeleton rob the bank?

Because he didn’t have the guts.

34. What is a skeleton’s favorite instrument?

A trom-bone.

35. What’s a skeleton’s second favorite instrument?

A sax-a-bone.

36. What is a skeleton’s favorite type of film to watch?

A spine-tingler.

37. Why did the skeleton climb up the tree?

Because a dog was after his bones!

38. Who is the most famous French skeleton?

Napolean Bone-aparte.

39. What did the skeleton say to the vampire?

“You suck.”

40. Who is the most famous skeleton detective?

Sherlock Bones.

41. What did the doctor say to the skeleton who had a temperature of 103 degrees?

“Looks like you are running a femur.”

42. What’s a skeleton’s favorite rock band?

The Grateful Dead.

43. What kind of fish do skeletons like to eat?

Carpals.

44. What’s a skeleton’s next favorite rock band?

Bone Jovi.

45. Why did the skeleton go to the dance?

To see the boogie man.

46. What is half the diameter of a skeletal circle?

The radius.

47. Why did the skeleton student stay late at school?

He was boning up for his exam.

48. What do bony people use to get into their homes?

A skeleton key.

49. What do you call a skeleton who hangs out in coffee shops and listens to indie music?

A hip-ster.

50. What is a skeleton’s favorite thing to do with their cell phone?

Take skelfies.

51. Why couldn’t the police arrest the skeleton?

They couldn’t pin anything on him.

52. How did the skeleton know the other skeleton was lying?

He could see right through him.

53. What Spanish food do skeletons enjoy most?

Patella.

54. What did the skeleton say when he went riding on his motorcycle?

“I’m bone to be wild!”

55. Why did the skeleton go to the hospital?

To have his ghoul bladder removed.

56. What do you call a lie told by a skeleton?

A fibula.

57. What did the skeleton say to his wife?

“I love every bone in your body.”

58. What job on a construction site is best suited to a skeleton?

Cranium operator.

59. What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room in the house?

The living room.

60. How did skeletons send mail back in the olden days?

The Bony Express.

61. How much does an elephant skeleton weigh?

Skele-tons.

62. What type of art do skeletons like?

Skulltures!

63. What do skeletons complain about?

Aching bones.

64. Why do skeletons drink so much milk?

It’s good for the bones!

65. Why did the skeleton go to acting classes?

He wanted tibia star.

66. Where do bad jokes about skeletons belong?

In the skelebin.

67. Why can’t skeletons fly over Area 51?

It’s a no-fly bone.

68. What kind of pasta do skeletons enjoy eating the most?

Elbow mac

I was crying at school, telling my friends my grandpa died. And they asked me what his last words were. His last words were, "Are you still holding the ladder?"

Will my suicidal thoughts leave me too if I get attached to them?

My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.

It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

The whole reason he is dead is because he kept hitting "Remind me later" on his Windows Updates.

A man gets on a bus and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.

"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."

The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.

"Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise.

"Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"

"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"

Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me. It means a lot.

A salesman rings the doorbell and Little Johnny answers. Salesman: “Can I see your dad?” Johnny: “No, he’s in the shower.” Salesman: “What about your mother? Can I see her?” Johnny: “Nope. She’s in the shower, too.” Salesman: “Do you think they’ll be out soon?” Johnny: “Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead.”

My teacher told me, "You have no idea how powerful this quote is." I looked at her and told her, "You don't know how powerful the shotgun in my bookbag is."

A mosquito with a Mario hat on flies on you saying, "It's-a me, Malario!"

billie: hi.

me: You wanna hear a story?

billie: Yes, sure.

me: Once upon a time, I ran over your dog last night.

My mother wanted to test my responsibility and wanted me to cook dinner for the family to help me understand how it feels to constantly cook for a whole family. So, me with my horrible humor, decided to make a giant joke for when dinner time came around, and so I just got four plates and set them in front of my family and I then said, "Here you are, a fine African meal." Then everybody looked at me in disappointment, and then I continued to say, "What? Poor taste?"

So, some thieves robbed me the other day. They took everything I owned, except for the soap, towels, and deodorant.

Dirty bastards.