ME jokes

One day I woke up and went on my phone. Some "pussy" was calling me. I answered it and said, "Hello, pussy?" and a pussy pic showed up.

My mom was poor, so we had nothing to eat. I slept on the floor, but now I'm rich, rich, rich 😜

I was looking forward to some toast...

So I took the toaster in the bath with me.

Dumb kid: What does homework mean?

Teacher: J0K35? (J0K35 is me btw) can you explain to DK what homework means, please?

Me:

"Half Of My Existence Wasted On Random Knowledge"

Last night I had a dream of lead, but your mom won't let me tell you.

Me and my mom order Chinese food.

My mom grabs the egg roll and starts licking it up and down and sucking on it in front of the Chinese delivery guy. I said, "Why are you doing that?" Then my mom says, "I love him a long time so we don't have to pay for the food."

Tails: Hey, Sonic, do you need payback? Oh, you are not a fat hedgehog, you are a snail.

Sonic: But I'm a fat snail because Dr. Eggman turned me into a snail.

Tails: I don't trust you, fat snail.

The person I hate: Omg, my mom and dad just died.

Me: Omg, I am so sorry, don't worry.

The person I hate: I have a boyfriend.

Me: Well, I have a mom and dad.

The person I hate: Rood.

Me: Shut up.

I was going home and 3 guys came up to me: an Italian, a Black guy, and a Spanish guy. They said, "You should be a proud brother, your sister knows her meats." I didn't know what they were talking about. They said, "Your sister won a trophy, you will see it when you get home." I went home. My sister said, "Look, I won a trophy by knowing my meats." I said, "What do you mean?" She said, "Well, 3 guys blindfolded me and I gave them a blowjob, each one of them, and I guessed which flavor it was. I was right all the time, that's how I won my trophy." As a big brother, I couldn't be any prouder.

My dad asked, "Where are you going?"

Me: "Back to the orphanage."

Your mum gay. LOL. Funny me!

Me: September is here!

[Labor Day comes]

Also me (ft. Green Day): “Wake me up when September ends!”

America: Saying, "I beg your pardon" in British English is like saying; "What did you say to me you orphaned big forehead shitty ass small dick bitch?"

UK: You Americans are so fucking rude.

America: Oh, I'm SoRrY mIsTeR fAnCy PaNts 👖

One time, me and the bois got drunk and we were on the freeway...

...when the road was closed because a wild animal species named “The Cult” was on the loose.

My mom told me she couldn't open the garage door. Then it opened up to me that it wasn't broke anymore.

My wife told me to give her 8 inches, so I had to have sex with her 4 times and punch her in the nose.

Why didn't the bitch ass skeleton fly?

'Cause me mum flew all the way and Trevor is a boofahead.

"Fuck me, Jarry."

My Dad keeps beating me and my mom. Please call the police. My name is Jacob Upchurch.

A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm. The bartender asks what he wants. The man says, "I would like one beer for me and one for the road."