ME jokes
Me: I know how to use a microwave!
Also me: Mom! The microwave is on fire!
Me: I know how to use a microwave!
Also me: Mom! The microwave is on fire!
True story.
"Fuck me, Jarry."
Armless child: Can you give me a hand??
Me: Ok.
I watched the series of "Unfortunate Events" 4 times, all the shows 4 times. I am crying. I am trying to finish the rest, then my brother comes in and says it is PG (Parental Guidance). After that, my brother called me a baby, then he pushed me off my bed. š
Memes
The waiter asked me, "How would you like your steak?"
I replied, "As soon as possible!"
I never feel offended if my friends don't wish me a happy birthday.
Because that's what I want.
My wife told me to give her 8 inches, so I had to have sex with her 4 times and punch her in the nose.
Why didn't the bitch ass skeleton fly?
'Cause me mum flew all the way and Trevor is a boofahead.
My mom told me she couldn't open the garage door. Then it opened up to me that it wasn't broke anymore.
She likes rough sex with handcuffs and Iāll be honest... She likes me to Chris Brown her when she acts like Rihanna.
What do butts say?
"Help me, I'm getting wiped clean!"
Me: September is here!
[Labor Day comes]
Also me (ft. Green Day): āWake me up when September ends!ā
I met a lovely girl at a friend's house party, so I went and introduced myself by saying I'm Noah, what's yours?
She turned around angrily and offended and said, "I identify as a hockey puck, didn't you see the sign?"
To which I replied, "Bitch, that says hickey puck. If you identify as a hockey puck, then let me hit you!"
My best friend said, "Can you put your dick in me?" I said, "Can I cum in you?"
My man is a pussy cunt that sucks my dick.
Joke's on him, he just asked me for bobs and vegana.
I met a lovely girl at a friend's house party, so I went and introduced myself by saying I'm Noah, what's yours?
She turned around angrily and offended and said, "I identify as a hockey puck, didn't you see the sign?"
To which I replied, "Bitch, that says hickey puck. If you identify as a hockey puck, then let me hit you!"
A guy is sitting in a bar, feeling sad. "What's the matter?" asks the bartender.
"My paternal uncle died three months ago."
"Wow! No wonder you're sad!"
"It's not that. He left me a third of his estate."
"Then what's the matter?"
"My maternal uncle died two months ago."
"Two uncles in two months? No wonder you're sad!"
"It's not that either. He left me half of his estate."
"Then what's the matter?"
"My father died last month."
"Your dad too? No wonder you're sad!"
"It's not that. He left me his entire estate."
"Then what's the matter?"
With a massive sob, the guy says, "None of my relatives died this month!"
Me: Ok so let's get this straight....
Cop: I'm not straight ok, now get in the car.
Me: But I didn't do anything?
Cop: No.
Me: So why are you arresting me then?
Cop: Imma tell you a story.
Me: Oh no.......
Cop: I know, now come on.
Me: Ok where?
Cop: My room.
Me: Which room?
Cop: My bedroom.
Me: š±I'm a girl.
Cop: So am I, now get in.
Me: But I'm 9.
Cop: I'm 59.
When I try to eat, but I hurt my feet. When I using a hoe, but I hurt my toe. When I going to a doctor, but then I get trolled. Oh I just, want to say, what the flip?!!
When I using a copper, but I enveloped by a hopper. When I trying to draw someone, but it ended up with a punishment. When I spit on a bunny, it jumps right on me. Oh I just, want to say, what the flip?!!
When I growing older, someone called me a slacker. When I was 33, I bumped into a tree. When I getting angry, people calls me crazy lady. Oh I just, want to say, what the flip?!!