ME jokes

What did the shoe tell the feet?

"Put me on your feet!"

What do eggs use in war? Eggk47s get my yolk this is really cracking me up!

They’d probably get shellshocked, wasn’t it all eggcellent? Ok, Ok, I’m headed for the egg-it.

Why did the new egg fell so good? It just got laid.

What did the Emo kid say to the other Emo kid?

Wait! Don’t leave me hangin’!

Me in the middle of the night boiling water.

Me talking to my brother: How do you make holy water?

My brother: How?

Me: You boil the hell out of it.

"Being broke is a disease, stay the fuck away from me."

My boyfriend and I were playing baseball last night with some of our friends. Halfway through the game we took a break and he asked me to hold his balls for him whilst he went to the toilet.

All our friends were shocked when I went into the boys' bathroom with him.

Like this if you like me.

Everyone thought I'd have a great year...

14 years just gave me more chances.

What's the difference between a knife and me?

One has a point.

Me: What are we doing in HPE?

Friend: Fitness.

Me: Fitting deez nuts in your mouth.

Her: Eat my ass!

Me: Yes, chef!

Well, a lock and a key were going on vacation, but the key said, "Help me, I'm stuck!" and then the lock said, "I think I am in lock-shary."

"Me fa so?"

Roses are red, violets are blue, in the middle of the day, give me money, you!

Did you hear they’re making an Elmo toy to appeal to the Tourette’s crowd?

I believe it’s called the “Tic Me Elmo.”

Hey Gwen, reply to me and say if everything is alright.

What do you call finding half of a worm?

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh moan for me.

Me: What's that sound?

Ex: What?

Me: Oh, it's the elevator going up. BYEEEE see you on another level!

Gwen, are you dead????? If not, I am Alya. Thanks for always standing up for me!!!!!!!!!!!

*Chatting with a stranger on the internet*

Me: Hi, how are you?

A stranger: I'm fine, hbu?

Me: I'm good. 🤷‍♂️