ME jokes

"Ugly kid, I feel ugly."

"Me? You don't have feel ugly, you already ugly."

My wife said to me, "You really have no sense of direction, do you?"

I said, "Where the fuck did that come from?!"

My mum told me to do the dog poo, but I couldn't find you anywhere.

Your secret is safe with me. I walnut tell a soul.

Me: Are you an alien?

Friend: No.

Me: Yeah, because you're too ugly to be one.

I can never get away from my dog, he follows me everywhere. I think you two would be really good friends.

The emo kid tried to give me a handshake. Sadly, I left him hanging.

I got something long stuck inside me last night, dammit, that needle hurt.

Someone: Didn’t we already meet somewhere?

Me: Yeah. That’s why I don’t go there anymore.

So NFL teams were playing football on me, and then Justin Jefferson hit something called "the gritty" on me.

Ugly kid, people keep saying I'm ugly.

Me: They're certainly not wrong.

"I miss you.

Being happy was never that hard without you..."

Someone's dad: You think he/she wants to join me? I didn't get the milk...

If I died and went to heaven, do you think I’d be friends with Prince?

The only thing that makes me want to stay alive more is the thought that Prince would hate me.

Today there was a line to punch me.

Yeah, that was the punch line.

What do youuuuuuuuuuu Oh f***, my mom is gonna kill me! My shit is stuck on the toilet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Two people stood in one room. The first guy stared at the second.

First guy: “Sorry I had to punch you. It was a game, bro.”

Second guy: “Between me and you talking, there’s almost no PUNCH line. Hah!”

Everyone: "Look, it's Superman!"

Me: "No, it's an emo."

Everyone: "Oh."

What did the seal say to the shark?

"Are you seal-iously going to eat me?"

I went to a store to get milk, but when I got home, there were a million cows waiting for milk, so they killed me.

Mother: If your friend jumped off a bridge, would you follow?

Me: Leads a marching parade off the Golden Gate Bridge.