ME jokes
Your mamma is so fat that she saved me a lot of money by sitting in my car when I wanted to buy a low rider.
Me: I know why you don't have friends.
Kid: Why?
Me: Because you can't even figure that out.
Don't scare me! I poop easily!
Kid's uncle: "Your mum said you can have your friends round tonight! But I'm gonna have to baby sit today."
Kid: "OK THANK YOU."
(AT BED TIME)
Kid: "Please may you stop touching my leg BEN!"
Ben: "I'm not."
(Turns light on) Kid: "UNCLEEEEE STOP SPILLING MILK OVER ME!!!"
Teacher: Where's your homework?
Student: At home...
Teacher: What's it doing there?
Student: Having a better time than me.
Blonde: Can I suck you off? (has STDs on mouth)
Me: Naw (drake turn/dab)
People always tell me to say no to drugs, but if I'm talking to drugs, I probably said yes.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Utah.
Utah who?
You're talking to me.
My wife told me, "Don't buy 1 gun while on your trip," so I decided to buy 2 guns instead.
A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?"
"Yeah," the other cow says. "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."
I ran into a dwarf, and he said, “Well, I’m not happy.”
Me: Then which one are you?
My mother didn't want me to love my sister. That made me angry. But then, one day I found this quote: "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." Since that day, I fuck my sister hard and my MOM harder!
My father taught me a lesson of sex in a hypothetical way.
My stepmother gave me a lesson [on] how [it] is going inside?
What’s the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before leaving the factory?
Two test tickles.
Yo mama so dumb, when she looked at the light, she said, "Why is the sun so close to me?"
My friend told me he had a sister. I asked if she was hot, and he said she was 8. That wasn't my question.
Advertisement: "What's in your wallet?"
Me: "The same amount of money as there is my will to live... ;_)"
Richard: Mom, someone called me gay.
Richard's mom: Why didn't you slap him across his face?
Richard: No, I couldn't.
Richard's mom: Why?
Richard: Because he was cute.
My friend: You really need to stop the SH jokes.
Me: But they're not that long.
An obese, depressed mother is trying to tie a noose, but can't reach it, so she calls her son for help.
*A few minutes later*
son: There.
mother: Where did you learn to tie such a good noose?
son: Dad showed me before he died.
mother: DAMN HIM TO HE- *slips and the noose chokes her to death*