ME jokes

Your secret is safe with me. I walnut tell a soul.

The emo kid tried to give me a handshake. Sadly, I left him hanging.

I got something long stuck inside me last night, dammit, that needle hurt.

Every Cobra Kai joke that was made, it's just me.

So NFL teams were playing football on me, and then Justin Jefferson hit something called "the gritty" on me.

Who is funnier, me or Gwen?

Gwen, I thought you would be with me if Prince broke up with you... :((((((

"Ugly kid, I feel ugly."

"Me? You don't have feel ugly, you already ugly."

Ugly kid, people keep saying I'm ugly.

Me: They're certainly not wrong.

Someone: Didn’t we already meet somewhere?

Me: Yeah. That’s why I don’t go there anymore.

The lasagna I just cooked is for me, my friends, and family. You don't get none because your name is not on the list. You wanna know why? 'Cause you got the whole place smelling like catdog and ass.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

Boy: "Why can't you get a family?"

Me: "Why can't you get a rope?"

Boy: "What do you mean?"

Friend and me: "We can show you."

Me: "I will tie the rope."

Friend: "I will push the chair."

Hey, what do you call a beta simp?

You call me the beta simp.

I was thinking about jelly this morning. It reminded me to take out the trash.

Fuck people who are bigger than me physically, emotionally, mentally, economically, and socially.

My girlfriend told me that she wonders what our kids will look like.

No, they will be wondering what I look like.

The name is Doe, Dilbert Doe. You can call me Dil.

When I died, my friend said he'd cover me.

I say these jokes are life saving material. Who's with me?