ME jokes

One time, I worked at the zoo and I was feeding the monkeys.

And one of them μяɨɲąţ€ď on me.

And I went to the hospital and got a bloody nose the next day.

You can't see me, but when I smile, you can.

Yo mama's so fat, it took me two buses and a train to get to her good side.

Me and your hairline go way back, years and years.

Me: Hey, were you born on a highway?

My enemy: Uh, no, why?

Me: Because that’s where most accidents happen.

I wish you were a soap, because I want you all over me.

Are you a builder? Because you are giving me an erection.

Hey, pass me that crowbar, please.

Sure... y’know, before the crowbar was invented, crows had to drink at home.

What do math and me on P-hub have in common?

They are both hard.

Me: *reading a sign* "Children are a gift from god."

Me: "No, they are a gift from the underworld."

Mother: "Yeah, I picked you up at the gift shop on my way out."

Mother: "You are a spawn of Satan."

What did the rapper say to the fridge?

"Give me a BEET!"

My friend told me I should be a stand up comedian but... I prefer sitting.

Fuck me.

My friend told me I was so dark that I had no bright ideas.

Little off topic but...

Mum: You wouldn't be here without me.

Son: And my birth certificate is a sorry letter from the condom factory.

Mum: Fair point.

Why is America bad at Clash of Clans?

Because they already lost two towers.

What do me and an emo kid have in common:

We both like to hang.

Waitress: What can I get for you?

Me: I'll have a steak.

Waitress: How would you like it?

Me: Immediately!

My girlfriend asked me to hand her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

Did Delaware wear a New Jersey? Idaho, Alaska?

What it actually means: Did Delaware wear a New Jersey? I don’t know. I’ll ask her.

P.S. My dad is a history teacher and he told me to put this in here.