ME jokes

My bully to his mom after getting "cooked" by me: "Mama, I can't find my hairline!"

My bully. 😭

14 girls asked me to go out today!

I was in the ladies' toilets...

People always call me heartless. That’s not true. I have a heart... it just wasn’t meant for you.

A man walked into a bar and said, "What do you call a cum shot?"

The people running the bar said, "I don't know, nut."

The guy said, "Are you calling me a nut?"

"When I was in jail, my girlfriend abandoned me. I created a fascination with becoming a gynecologist. When I got bailed out, I became a Travis Bickle."

Jesus walks into a hotel, hands the inn keeper three nails and says, "Can ya put me up for the night?"

Why is America bad at Clash of Clans?

Because they already lost two towers.

What do me and an emo kid have in common:

We both like to hang.

Waitress: What can I get for you?

Me: I'll have a steak.

Waitress: How would you like it?

Me: Immediately!

My girlfriend asked me to hand her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

My teacher made us watch a movie about the struggles of being an overweight person in this day and age.

It was really heavy on me.

Friend: Hi.

Me: Do you know how lost their dad is?

Friend: Me?

Me: Damn, no, not you.

Friend: Then who?

Me: The orphan kid.

I guess we're the same.

When my family goes to weddings, my senior relatives tell me things like “You’re next!” So I started doing the same to them at funerals.

Me and your hairline go way back, years and years.

Me: Hey, were you born on a highway?

My enemy: Uh, no, why?

Me: Because that’s where most accidents happen.

I wish you were a soap, because I want you all over me.

Please don't make a joke about me; I'm just a human.

I could tell my cousin you are so annoying, but she told me first, so we both said it at the same time. 🫣🤣😂

Mate, my wife Susan has kicked me out again, anyone got a lift?

Me when my girlfriend comes home, I check her phone and there are 100 texts from a different guy asking her out, and her text says yes.

Get the whip, you're out!