ME jokes

My mom told me to recycle the trash. I guess I’m taking you for another bike ride!

I thought of you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.

I forgot the world revolves around you. My apologies! How silly of me.

What's the difference between you and me?

I have a plan for this new year.

So long, suckers. Keep scrolling.

In prison, they called me sweet cheeks.

"Trust falling" with a bridge is more trustworthy than me.

A hobo couple is making out under a bridge.

The girlfriend goes: - Johnny, why is your dick so soft? - Flip me over, I’m trying to shit!

My boyfriend dumped me. Guess who came back crawling for his zimmer frame?

People are arguing about stopping orphan jokes.

Me: m e h. i d o n t c a r e.

My girlfriend didn't bring me the sandwich, so I brought the gas.

Ashley said to me one day, "What is my name?"

And I said, "My name is everyday life of stupidity."

Emo: Phone die.

Emo: Why not me? ;(

TELL ME YOU'VE DONE THIS WITHOUT TELLING ME YOU'VE DONE THIS.!!! So, we all know when y'all were in school, y'all would fart, but y'all would try to make it silent, but for me, that one day I farted loud, and everyone could hear. Everyone got to blame the annoying kid.

Me: I saw an emo kid that got a haircut today. But instead of saying “Like ya cut g” and slapping the neck, I slapped the wrist and said “Like ya cut’s g.”

Emo kid: He said like your bullet holes, G.

Me: I have no bullet holes.

Emo kid: Not yet, you don't.

Me: Ayo what the fuc*.

I burned an orphan's hand and then they said, "You will pay for this."

Me: "What are you going to do? Tell your parents?"

You have five seconds to kill me. 1... 2... 3... 4... Thank you. I can rest now. WAIT, HOW AM I TALKING?????????????????????

*walks into a comedy night club* Owner: "You're doing standup tonight, right?" Noob Joker (you): "Yes, I am!" Owner: "Get onto the stage." Me: *walks up stage* Owner: "This is the standup comedian noobpro." Me: "Hey guys, how about some Donald Trump?" Crowd: *RUNS*

I hate when my father doesn't cook me cocktails for tea.

My job is so amazing.

Today a man asked me to check his balance, so I pushed him over. His balance isn't good.

I wasn't looking at you, your big forehead was distracting me.