ME jokes
I was walking this hot girl home, then she noticed me, then the walk turned into a run.
Why am I still alive?
Pills give me stomachaches, blood makes me faint, height frightens me...
If I fall in love with my depression, maybe it'll leave me too.
(Took this from my other account @Toby :) btw)
What were Michael Jackson's last words? "Take me to the children's hospital."
There was this guy going to a bar. The guy asks for a drink. The bartender says, "I'll give you a drink if you can tell me a meta-joke."
So the guy replies,
OK. There was this guy going to a bar. The guy asks for a drink. The bartender says, "I'll give you a drink if you can tell me a meta-joke."
So the guy replies,
OK. There was this guy going to a bar. The guy asks for a drink. The bartender replies, "Here you go!"
So he gives the guy a drink. So he gives the guy a drink. So he gives the guy a drink.
The fat kid asked the teacher, "Is Godzilla real?" The teacher said, "They're standing right in front of me."
One day, inexplicably, my talking parrot started insulting me. He called me an idiot, a fool, a jerk, stupid, and a variety of other nasty names. I warned the squawker to cease, but to no avian avail. Fed up, I finally flipped the foul-mouthed feather-brain into the freezer...but after about 15 seconds, I relented and let him out.
"I'm so sorry," he declared! "I don't know what came over me, and realize I shouldn't have said those terrible things. I hope you can forgive me, and I promise never to do it again! By the way...what did the chicken do?" 🐔😂
An old lady in the bank told me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Mom: You need to grow up. You're so immature.
Me: *glares* Get out of my castle....
Mom: It's a pillow fort.
Me: Why can't I have an imagination! ?
Mom: You're almost 19 years old.
Me: Not good enough... OUT!
What's an orphan's favorite Roblox game?
Adopt Me.
"The legend says Tinker Bell was good in jerkin' off Peter with her tiny fingers, but it pains me to think that Captain Hook was a closeted-sadist boyfriend."
My mum told me to take out the trash, but I couldn’t find you.
"Break me a piece of that Kit Kat bar."
Me and my little brother were playing Call Of Duty. He wasn't doing very good, so I told him so. My brother said to me, "At least I don't have to camp in order to get kills." I then responded with, "I would call you cancer, but at least cancer kills."
I went to visit my friend's sick grandpa. He was lying in a hospital bed connected to a lot of tubes. When I approached him, he kept repeating "Nǐ cǎizhe wǒ de yǎngqì guǎn."
Suddenly, right in front of me, he passed. Later that night, I translated his last words, and they were, "You're standing on my oxygen tube."
I asked for emotional support. They handed me a mirror and said, "Talk to someone who cares."
A handicapped person was making fun of me, so I walked away.
What did Saskia say to Brandon?
Saskia: "Can you rape me like you did Sydney?"
I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn't actually mine. Apparently, I need to pay more attention during school pick-up.
Mr. Smith: Neona, tell us what you have for the biggest competition that we can do to keep our competitors out of the winning streak?
Neona: Will thought we used more sales and more advertising.
Mr. Smith: It's already a good idea. Now what about the business plan? We need it as recommendations to keep the business going. Tell me, what do you have in mind?
Neona: It is better to always have a plan. I was thinking that we can get higher prices and always get great deals. The people will go nuts for a great deal!
Mr. Smith: Perfect. Now let's take a 5 minute break.
Mr. Smith: Ok, 5 minutes is up! Now Neona, I know you are an intern, but what are the best things we can do for the company?
Neona: Hmm...let's see...will we can start with all the things people love! If this is going to work then we have have to......