ME jokes

The other day my mom called me a retard.

I'm now an orphan.

So, y'all remember Hitler, right?

Ok, so I own a gun with Nazi rounds. I shot a guy who was entering my home who wasn't invited. He said, "Did you shoot me with Nazi rounds?" Then I said, "Do you mean 'nein' millimeter?"

I was in a bar in Italy. Me and a hot chick got along, so I asked her for her number. I remembered that there was a pen in my pocket, but when I searched, it was nowhere to be found. I turned back, then I saw Pessi running with it. Shame on you, Pessi, for ruining my night! 😭

The school shooter when the cops show up be like:

"Ain't nothing gonna break my stride, ain't nothing gonna hold me down. Oh oh. I've got to keep on moving."

What's black, blue, and red, laying in a ditch?

You after you disrespect me.

Why did Karen leave me?

Because I was a mushroom.

What did the man say to his wife? "Make me a damn sandwich, woman!"

"I think Hannibal Lecter is soooo sexy... I'd like him to eat me!"

My Bff: Hey do want any coffee?

Me: Yeh, of course.

My Bff: Ok which one?

Me: You know... the black one.

Me: Like my soul...

My Bff: Jeez you ok?

What's the difference between cancer and me?

My dad didn't beat cancer... Whelp, I guess I stole that one.

I was out ice fishing and had no nibbles all morning.

About noon, this old guy comes out, drills a hole near mine, and starts catching fish as fast as he can bait the hook. I was getting frustrated without any luck, so I went over to ask him his secret. He said "Ymd ggt tm kppp tth yaems womg."

I said, "Excuse me, I didn't get that?" so he mumbles even louder, "Ymd ggt tm kppp tth yaems womg!" I shook my head and said, "I'm sorry, but I still didn't understand what you said."

Frustrated, the man spits out a wad out of his mouth and says, "YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE WORMS WARM!"

So I came across a guy who was carrying a ton of clothing and makeup.

And I asked him what he is doing.

Guy: Some kawaii girl told me if I bought and brought her this crap, she would let me play with her tits.

Me: Erm... Are you a simp?

Two minutes later, the guy arrived at Kawaii Girl's house.

KG: You have it?

Guy: Yup, now can I play with them?

KG: Sure!

KG then went to her room.

Guy: Ohhhh, I know what your going to do. You're gonna call me over and you will be-

KG then held a bird cage with two birds in it.

KG: Have fun playing with them!

Guy: WHAT THE FU-

A man sits in a bar and gets seriously drunk to the point where he vomits on his shirt. He panics.

The bartender asked, "What's wrong, sir?"

The man replies, "I got drunk and vomited, my wife will kill me."

The bartender says, "Put $20 in the shirt and say someone puked on you and they paid you for the wash."

So the man walks out with the $20 he put in his shirt pocket. The next day, the wife said, "Why is there vomit on your shirt?"

The man says, "Someone puked on me and gave me $20 bucks for the wash."

The wife pulls out the money. "There is $40," says the wife.

"Oh, he also peed on me and paid for the wash, too." The man walks away believing he didn't get caught by his wife.

Little Johnny walked into class with a black eye, and the teacher said, "Why do you have a black eye?"

Johnny said, "Well, me and my parents have to share a bed, and my dad asked me if I was asleep and I said no, so he smacked me."

The teacher said, "Well tonight, don't say anything."

The next day, Johnny walked in with another black eye, and the teacher said, "Why do you have another black eye?" Little Johnny said, "Well, last night, I did what you said and didn't say anything when my dad asked me if I was asleep. A few minutes later, my dad said he was coming, and my mom said she was coming too. They usually don't go anywhere without me so I said 'Wait for me, I'm coming too.'"

"Let it go, LET IT GO!" Blah blah blah whatever the rest of the song says dun dun blah blah blah my mom never bothered me anyway.

I'm bored 😴 so that's why I sang in my wonderful voice for a few seconds and wasted your time.

Wanna hear a joke? Me.

Friend: You are joking.

Me: Joking on deez nuts.

Me: Looks like a girl, sure as h3ll I don't sound like one.

Michael Jackson: Looks like a boy, sure as h3ll don't sound like one.

That [is] what we have i[n] commen, but if you mix up my gender I won't give a F about it. Michael Jackson not so much : )

When your legs forget how to work after leg day, I can't climb the stairs.

Michael Myers right behind me. Runs like I'm a track star!

My girlfriend is incredibly sad since her cat has disappeared.

I am quite sure now that I misunderstood something when she asked me to eat her pussy--and I am beginning to think that I did not get the "fuck her doggy" part either.