ME jokes

You’re so fat that when you sit on the toilet, it says, “A B C D E F G, get your butt off of me!”

Me: Hey Siri, did you know Candice died?

Siri: Yes, I was informed she died from sugondese.

Me: What is that?

Siri: Sugondese nuts.

My grandma told me I was next at my brother's wedding, so I told her she was next at her husband's funeral.

Me: My grandpa killed 100 nazis in WWII.

My Friend: Well my grandpa killed Hitler.

Me: *Realizes*

Women be like don't tell me what to wear, proceeds to tell men what to wear.

I was wondering why the tennis ball was getting bigger 🤔

Then it hit me 🤧😂

School Bully: How's your girlfriend? Oh wait, you don't have any!

Me: How's your parents? Oh wait, you don't have any! *Continues to burn down orphanage*

Woman gets pulled over by a cop.

Cop: "Ma'am, have you been drinking?"

Lady: "No, officer."

Cop: "What's that in your cup then, ma'am?"

Lady: "Just water, officer."

Cop: "Looks like wine to me."

Lady: "Oh my god, Jesus did it again!"

Your mama is so funny looking that when the doctor called her, he said, "Never visit me again. I hope you die!"

Me to an orphan: If you had a penny for everyone who loved you, I don't think you'd have any.

The orphan: But why?

Me: Because if someone loved you, they wouldn't have thrown you out.

My fitness guru said that if I got raped, it would help me in future marathons.

I saw a kid sitting on the curb and I asked him, "Are you an orphan?"

He said, "Yeah, what gave me away?" "You're parents did."

I'm back and wearing dead whites who are killing whites from Eastern Europe on me. Shout out my boy russia and Ukraine, they all are evil just like USA and China and the rest of the west!

Me :D

I'm a pilot and my boss told me to fly people to New York, so I flew them to New York and hit the towers. That was a tragic story.

My family is lucky I was born so smart. Every time my Dad is struggling at work, he always turns to me when he needs to get ahead.

My friend said to me that I am gay. My response? I’m as straight as that pole that your mum danced on last night.

Girls' dreams: OMG, my crush kissed me!

Boys' dreams: I just got a dub, bro!

Me: Knock knock.

My Grandma: Who’s there?

Me: Interrupting cow.

My Grandma: Interrupting c-

[Dies from heart attack]

Me testing if there is fall damage in real life (falls off of a cliff, uses water bucket trick) dies.