ME jokes

Me: I just came home from Africa, and guess what I saw.

Friend: I don't know.

Me: A black market.

My pal asked me why nobody wants to eat the spaghetti he makes in his restaurant.

Well, because it's impastable.

What’s the difference between Isaac Newton and my Dad?

Isaac Newton didn’t beat me half to death with a pipe wrench.

It’s me back at it again.

The earth was flat till they buried yo mama!!!

What did Mars say to Saturn?

"Give me one of your rings!" 😄

I told her roses are red, violets are blue. God made me pretty, what the hell happened to you! MF😅🤣😂

My doctor called me a "psychopath." How dare he?!? He'll pay for this!

Me: What do you call 4 depressed kids?

My friend: What?

Me: The Suicide Squad.

Are you a train? Because I want you to run over me. :)

They asked me to speak at this funeral, and I said, "Of corpse!"

One day my girlfriend and I were just hanging out and she needed to tell our dad that we were going out.

Josh: Tell me something funny.

Mark: My life.

Uber driver: .........

Me: .........

Uber driver: .........

Me: 5 stars.

One day I was very happy. I managed to win the lottery and receive a free vacation trip to Saudi Arabia!

Everything was going well until suddenly the FRAUD appeared! It was him, PRISTIANO PENALDO! He dived toward me and grabbed my lottery ticket. I asked him why he is doing this, only for him to reply "I need trip to Saudi Arabia to statpad the PENS!" as he dived back through my window.

Shame on you for stealing my vacation and ruining my day! You are no longer my Idol Pristianooooo!

This is the song we all misunderstood: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2S0QhGGO1gQ

"He said, "One day, you'll leave this world behind, so live a life you will remember." My father told me when I was just a child, "These are the nights that never die." My father told me."

Whenever I think about it deeply, it makes me wanna cry :(

So, a retarded kid's mom drops her kid off at school and says, "You better stop the bus today, because I’m not picking you up." So he agrees, and he arrives at the bus stop and says, "Stop!" (in a retarded voice). The bus goes straight past him. The next day, the mom says the same thing, and the kid goes to the bus stop and says, "Stop!" (in a retarded voice). The bus goes straight past him. The third day, his mom says, "I don’t care if I have to jump out in the middle of the road, you better stop that bus!" So the kid goes to the bus stop and jumps out in the middle of the road and says, "Stop!" The bus driver runs over him. A nearby lady stops the bus and says, "Why’d you run that poor kid over?" and he responds, "'Cause he was making fun of me" (in a retarded voice).

An unfortunate accident happened at the Nestlè factory. A man named Joe was seriously injured because a box of chocolates fell on him. Every time he said, "The chocolates are on me!" everyone cheered.

A homeless man sees a woman about to jump off a bridge.

A homeless man is walking along a road and comes across a bridge. On the bridge is a woman standing on the railing, clearly about to jump. He approaches the woman.

"Hey lady, are you about to jump?"

"Back off! If you come any closer, I'll do it!" she replies.

"Well, that's fine," he says, "but before you do, can I ask a favor? I'm pretty down on my luck, and it's been a long time since I've felt the touch of a woman, so if it's all the same to you, would you have sex with me first?"

"Eww no, fuck off you creep!" the woman shouts back.

"Fine," the man says. "I'll just go wait at the bottom."

As a fellow emo, I find these very rude and disrespectful. Please take off, or I'll tell Mom.

Also, if anyone knows any high bridges nearby, please tell me (I'm asking for a friend).

P.S. I have no friends.

Spell "I cup..." "I see you pee!"