ME jokes

When my bro says "YOUR MOM" when I'm talking when I'm at school, and my friend says "YOUR MOM," me punches him;-;

What's the difference between me and an egg?

An egg gets laid.

I live next to a kindergarten, and yesterday they had a fire drill. It was kinda weird because normally it's me who has a drill around little children.

My teacher asked what was the worst time you got paddled by your parents. My one friend said that he got in trouble and got whacked by a stick. I raised my hand and said that my dad whacked me with his dick.

One day I was just sitting around when my butthole began to grow larger. It grew and grew and began to engulf the other parts of my body until it swallowed them all. Now I am just a big butthole typing this. Please help me!

Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me.

It means a lot!

Me: *looks at person's hand* This guy doesn't have fingers!

Random person with no fingers: Why do you have to point that out?

My dog got mad at me for touching his toy. Do you know what he said?

"Get your paws off!" 💩💩💩

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my other girlfriend.

If I had a dime for every time someone has told me to kill myself, I'd be a millionaire.

I had a boyfriend once. He broke up with me because he "wanted to be more alive." I guess it didn't work when he went to my basement.

She later made me a sandwich, and she cut the crust off it.

My wife and I have decided that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

My mom was cooking dinner and asked me if I could get her a cutting board.

"No, I need you to take off your shirt and lay on the island so I can cut some chicken."

Anyone want to eat me up? I'm in that kind of mood right now.

¡Hola, soy Dora!

Can you help me find the two fucks I'm supposed to give?!

Me to friend: I'm homeschooled.

Friend: If I was homeschooled, I'd kms.

Me: Oh, I already tried that.

Them: What's on your arm?

Me: I'm training to breathe fire ;)

My wife treats me like God!

She takes no notice of my existence until she wants something.

What did Snow White say when she sat on Pinocchio? "Lie to me."