ME jokes
My wife asked me to connect more on my feminine side. So I crashed our car and fucked my trainer.
The mailman came to drop the mail off.
Me (son): I went and told my mommy that daddy is home.
Mommy tells me, "You got no daddy."
Then I say, "I hear you always call the mailman daddy."
Me: I'm afraid of random letters.
Therapist: You are?
Me: [screams]
Therapist: Oh, I see.
Me: [screaming intensifies]
I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
I am in trouble. My mum asked me to get six cans of Sprite.
But I got seven Up.
So, as a school shooter, I try to remember my ABC's. A, B, C, D, E, F, GUN!
And I basically stop at G, since no students ever speak to me about the rest.
B: Can you please stop roasting me?
A: At least the "roasting" that I did to you didn't burn you to death.
Went swimming today and peed in the deep end. The lifeguard saw me and blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in.
My wife complained about me being childish. So I told her to get out of my fort.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Person: Sure.
Me: Never mind, I was gonna say my life, but my life isn't a joke! Jokes have meaning.
Person: Dear God...
Someone locked me out of my house today... At least the children in my basement aren't my problem anymore.
Why do trees always gotta leave me hanging?
A guy asked me what I do for a living.
Now I'm not old enough to get a job, so I said nothing. He asked me again, so I said, "Your wife!" The guy goes to slap me, but his wife is standing right there. She instead slapped me and said, "You swore not to tell!"
My dad died in 9/11, and that was the second worst thing that happened to me with a plane, next to Soul Plane.
"Me tells dad joke often."
"I want to hear it."
"Me? You wouldn't get it."
Police: Come with me, I’m taking you home.
Orphan: Well, we need to find them first.
Police: Then I don’t need to take you home.
Your mama is so fat when Santa went down the chimney he said, "Ho, ho, ho, holy shit, you're fatter than me, bitch!"
Little Herobrine, I'm cumming in ur mom! Call me Saddam Hussein cuz I'm dropping rap bombs!!
This orphan showed me a family photo.
But it was just a selfie.
What's the difference between Putin and Hitler? I don’t know, you tell me.