ME jokes

I told Siri about my dog, and she told me if she could tell me a joke to cheer me up, and I said okay.

She asked me, "Knock knock." I said, "Who is there?" She said, "Not your dog."

I got fired my first day at the bank. This old lady told me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

They told me a mask was enough to get into the supermarket.

They lied, everybody else was also wearing pants.

Me: Why did the chicken cross the road?

My friend: To get to the other side?

Me: No, to get to the idiot's house.

My friend: Oh.

Me: Knock knock.

My friend: Who's there?

Me: The chicken.

What's the difference between Putin and Hitler? I don’t know, you tell me.

My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.

I told them, "Just you wait!"

What did the tomato say to the empty ketchup bottle? "GOD STAY AWAY FROM ME!"

"Freshfry, please leave me and prince alone! I never asked you to join our chat!"

I'm really bored and I don't know what's up with Prince. He isn't talking to me.

And Freshfry, why are you so mean now?

I will be back, I'm gonna get milk...

Me:...

Me: Okay, Papyrus. I'm no Sherlock Bones, but I'd say that Storyspin Sans is the Imposter.

My therapist told me time heals all wounds, so I stabbed him.

Then I waited for the results.

I am thinking of removing my spine.

It's only holding me back.

Like this post and comment down below if you want me to announce my real name in my next post!

Me: Joe left today.

Orphan: Who's Joe?

Me: Joe mama!

I was in an audition for the lead role of movie "Aquaman." The Director told me to dive into a pool. Then outta nowhere Penaldo showed up and made a big dive into the pool. The director was impressed and selected Penaldo for the movie.

Shame on you Penaldo for destroying my dream!

My girlfriend broke up with me because she caught me eating a banana with my butt........

IMAGINE!

Me: Dad, my phone is broken.

Dad: How?

Me: I clicked the home button, but I'm still at school.

Dad: Stupid.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, God made me pretty, WHAT THE FRICK HAPPENED TO YOU?

I would like to remind all passengers that this is a no-smoking flight, although do feel free to join me in the cockpit, where we've opened a window.