ME jokes

My therapist told me, "Time to heal all wounds," so I shot him in the nuts.

Now we wait...

So an orphan was crying in a corner in the dark. Then a man came over and asked, "Why are you crying?"

Then said, "Do you want me to get your parents?"

What did one buttcheek say to the other buttcheek?

"Keep this shit between you and me."

I was at my boyfriend's house, and I thought he was cheating on me. He was on the phone with somebody, and he said he'd be over there soon. So I asked him if I could see his phone. He said no, and then we fought about it until I saw his gun, and because I thought he was lying to me, I shot him, went through his phone, and his friend was still on the phone.

I joined ISIS to help my self-esteem issues.

Everyone kept telling me, "You’re the bomb!"

In the morning, I become a cereal killer. Stepped on a corn flake.

Then there was the run-in with a pair of orphaned Rice Krispies. Snap. Crackle. No pop.

I've been taken into custody as a cereal offender and am about to be put on trial in Food Court. I fully expect them to sentence me to Life.

A daughter asked her mother, “Mom, how do you spell ‘scrotum’?”

Her mom replied, “Honey, you should have asked me last night—it was on the tip of my tongue.”

I was the manager at a McDonald’s in Turin when I saw Penaldo walk in and submit a job application. I asked him to show me his skills and experience, but he just started diving and asking for pens and tap-ins. I was confused until Penaldo told me that’s all he knows how to do.

I told my wife to embrace her mistakes.

So she gave me a hug.

I made a website for orphans.

Silly me, I forgot the home page.

Anybody know a girl named Candice? She just added me on snap.

I was at a milk store and ordered some milk.

They brought it over but spilled it on me.

I said that was a udder failure!

My mom was telling me about different pastas. So many pastabilities!

Person 1: “You assume I’m gay because I have rainbow hair, I’m wearing a rainbow shirt, and I have a rainbow pride flag behind me?”

Person 2: “You assume I’m disabled because I have deformed arms and limbs, no legs, and I ride around in a wheelchair?”

A man named Icide ruined my life. I asked a friend if he would help me sue him. He said yes. But for some reason, he killed me.

All I wanted was for someone to help me sue Icide...

If depression on crack fucked weed and 69 hours of not sleeping and had a baby with huge amounts of autism, that would be me.

Her: Eat my ass!

Me: Yes, chef!

My science teacher asked me what is found inside cells.

I guess "blacks" wasn't the right answer.

"Stupid faker, if you're trying to get me to leave the site, it won't work!"

Carly (😊): What a beautiful day, huh?

Bianca (😔): Yes, for you it is.

Carly (😟): What's wrong?

Bianca (😕): Nothing, nothing at all...

Carly (😠): Don't lie to me...

Carly (🤔): Hmmm... Jordan???

Carly (😈): Because if so, I can take him out like this...

Bianca (😔🙄😒): Thank you... no... and I don't give a damn anymore!

Carly (😠): Bianca, trust me, you don't love him anyway!

Bianca (😒): Please, Carlyana, please keep your fucking face out of this.

Carly (😈): No need to curse, I can do that to Jordan if you want...

Bianca (😔): Well... shut your mouth and leave me alone!